Victim
by chibimaritza
Summary: Santana Lopez and her family move to New York which Santana has issues with from the very start. She meets two cheerleaders and a what she believes just an innocent brunette. These girls make it all both worse and better. Will she make the right decision or will she follow her heart and make the wrong one?
1. First day

What's the point? I don't even like this city. I don't like this whole place. It's full of snobs and rude people. And that's New York, snobs and rude people. I don't fit in. Inside the new apartment, it was kind of good looking, I can't lie. But it didn't feel like home. It felt like I was being a guest at a place where no one wanted me. Me and my parents started unpacking our bags and other stuff, the rooms were already furnished and so. My parents had been here earlier just to fix the whole place so it was done on the day we were supposed to move in. My room was small, it had a rectangular shape and all that fitted in it was my bed, a desk and my wardrobe. I could get a bigger room but my dad insisted on making that his office. He couldn't even think about my good this time, just this one time when he knows I'm miserable, he still wants his stupid office. This was not going to be my year. I could feel it. This year would suck.

"Santana, come here" I heard my mom shout.

"What?"

"Aren't you going to ask me about the school?" she said.

No. I didn't want to ask her. I didn't want to go to school here. I can't handle being in a new school, new people, new teachers and all of this while my friends back in New Mexico are going to move on without me. I'm going to miss them too much to even give a living shit about whatever school my mother chose for me. And yes, I didn't have a say in this, my mom chose the school for me and didn't give two shits about my opinion. However, I got forced to ask about it.

"Sure, what kind of school is it mom?"

"Stop sounding so mad about it, Santana. This is good for us, your dads job moved here and I got a job directly. Why are you being selfish?"

"Selfish, right" I mumbled "just tell me about it, I'm _dying _to know" I said.

She gave me the evil eye, not that it scared me but I pretended it did all the time. I did because I know it makes her happy.

"I'll take you there tomorrow, 8pm sharp"

"You're coming with me on my first day at a new school?" I asked with so much fear in my voice.

"No, I meant I'll drive you there. Jeez, calm down" she said and laughed and patted my shoulder before she made her way to the kitchen "when you get there you just need to talk to the receptionist and she'll help you. I've talked to them" she said and started to prepare dinner.

I walked out of the car and waved at my mother. It was actually only another way of me telling her to leave faster and stop smiling at me before people noticed it was my mom. Everyone else around here seemed to have their own cars and they were all in different cliques. I tried to ignore it all just to look down at the floor so no one would see me. I didn't want to cause a fuss and be the "new shiny toy" of this school. I walked in and the school was huge. Around 10 meters away from the main entrance of the school was the reception my mom told me to go to yesterday.

"Hello, can I help you?" she said when the people in front of me left and it was my turn.

"Yes, I'm Santana Lopez" I said and looked around "I'm new here" I said again a bit quiet so no one would catch it.

"Oh, right right! I've been expecting you!" she said and looked all happy. It creeped me out.

I intensly looked at her as she printed out a schedule. When it was out she looked at it through her glasses and handed it over to me.

"You know where to go if you look at this, keep it this whole semester" she said and smiled.

"But I don't know how to find.." I looked at the schedule in my hands "classroom B121" I said, still intense.

She sighed and uttered the last sentence I heard from her during the whole day. Her voice was dark, like really dark. It kind of reminded me of my grandpa's voice a little bit.

"Follow me" she said and led me to the classroom.

Despite my nervosity to be in this school, the tenor of all my complaints to my mother about it all and my e-mails to my friends about me being pissed off about it. I didn't feel so bad at the moment. Maybe because no one approached me and tried to ask me about where I'm from. I honestly didn't want anyone to even speak to me. So I could say my mood right now was neutral. Not happy, though.

When I stood outside the classroom, waiting for the lesson to start. It felt kind of weird. No one seemed to notice me, or even care about me being new here at all. Maybe it was because I stood in a corner with my head hidden behind the book I pretended to read or because people in New York weren't as excited as people in New Mexico. I moved here from a really small town, Portales. There, whenever someone new started it was the only thing people could talk about for about three days or so. However, time passed and the teacher came to open the classroom door. And that's when it happened.

"Class, we have a new student" he said and stopped me while everyone else sat down.

I didn't even know this teachers name but I already hated him. I wanted to punch is pale face for making me stand up in front of everyone in class. It was beyond embarrassing. I just stood there, freezed while all eyes in the classroom were pointed at me, some looked curious and others just looked bored.

"Introduce yourself" he said and smiled at me as if he was doing me a favour.

"My name is Santana Lopez and I'm just like most of you, 17 years old" I said and looked at my teacher.

"Nothing else you want to share?" he asked.

"No" I said and he just then understood I hated standing there.

I made my way to the desk closest to the window right in the back and sat down while the teacher, Mr Craft, who I know wrote his name on the board just because he didn't have a chance to introduce himself to me earlier. He had this ugly brown suit on with a white flannel shirt under and a black tie. His hair looked ungroomed and his face was old and he had a thick white beard hanging. A bit like santa. He was kind of funny looking.

During whole class, literature, I tried to ignore everyone who now and then looked back at me. I pretended I didn't see them. Mr. Craft was talking about Shakespeare, I was happy he did because we finished Shakespeare just before I moved here at my old school so I would pass whatever test he would give us about it without even listening to him during the lessons. I looked out the window and spotted chearleaders, it was a big clique. They surrounded a table with two benches and they seemed to be having a good time. I guess.

I stood by the parking lot waiting for my mother to pick me up. I felt pathetic seeing everyone else around me getting into their own cars to be honest. Although I had my drivers license, I didn't have my own car. I looked at the clock and my mom was about five minutes late. She's normally around 15 minutes late so I wasn't surprised. I began to notice more people walking out of school now so I picked the book up out of my bag to seem busy. I peeked to my side now and then to just check if anyone was standing there, luckily no one was.

Finally my mom showed up and I closed the book, put it in the bag and walked towards the car. While I was walking, I felt someone bump into my shoulder really hard without even saying sorry or anything. It was two girls in their cheerleading outfits.

"Watch where you walk" I called, but quickly regretted it.

"Excuse me?" the shorter blonde girl said and walked up to me. I just prayed my mom wouldn't see this and come up to me.

"Nothing, forget it" I said and started making my way to the car again.

Of course, if this was back in Portales I would stand up to her and not be a coward, but I didn't want to be known as the new girl who kicked the bimbo cheerleaders ass on her first day here.

"Yeah, that's what I thought" she said and passed me again now but without bumping my shoulder.

The other, taller blonde girl turned her head and mumbled something, I thought I heard her say "disgusting" but I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

All the way home, I know mom knew I was really angry but she didn't ask me about it. She knows I wouldn't tell her anyway. I just hoped tomorrow would be better, I can't deal with having to walk faster everytime I spot these girls or take other ways to class when I see them. Or even worse, I didn't want to worry about the fact that I _could_ have some classes with them.


	2. Welcoming

I rushed to biology class in a hurry so I wouldn't be late. When I walked in, most students were already seated. I looked around and I spotted the two girls I wished wouldn't be here. The cheerleaders. I just ignored them and sat down at the front row so they wouldn't see me. The teacher started the class just when I sat down though so everyone had to be quiet. They couldn't give comments. I tried really hard to concentrate as she, the teacher who's name I didn't know, explained the lab we were doing this Tuesday. We were going to work in pairs and this teacher tried to be funny, we were not going to work with the person next to us like you do in normal classes. No, she mixed up the whole class. I, as the unlucky person I am, got paired with one of the cheerleaders from yesterday. The shorter one who started the little thing, I'm not even sure if I should call it an argument because it wasn't really. But still. The teacher asked her and the ginger boy beside me to change seats so he would work with her friend and she would work with me. As lab partners, we were working with onion root tip cells.

"Get started" the teacher commanded and watched everyone carefully.

"Well, you heard her, go on" she said. I looked up to see her face expression and I was not pleased, she looked pissed off. It made me feel annoyed.

I didn't even do anything to her but she still seemed so angry at me. I didn't get it. What was their problem? I didn't know them, they didn't know me.

"I could start, if you're too slow to understand English, lazy.." she said again with a crooked smile so rude I got the urge to punch it right of her face.

"No," I said, ignoring her insults "I'll start"

I took the first slide of the onion and placed it under the microscope. I studied the slide briefly before saying something. I could feel her glaring, waiting for me to say the wrong answer so she could laugh at me. However, I was confident with my result of what I had seen.

"Prophase" I said.

"Like you'd know" she mumbled and nearly dragged the microscope away from my hands "I'll look, _just to be_ sure" she said.

She examined the slide for what I felt like was even longer than I did.

"You were right, congrats" she sarcasticly said and wrote it down on a piece of paper.

I wanted to know her name. I was just to annoyed at her to ask. I was some steps away from asking her what her problem was. I didn't though, I wanted to wait and see how far she would take this.

We continued to check slides of the onion and we were both right everytime. Just to piss her off, every single time she said something. I checked it anyway before I wrote it down.

We were finished before anyone else was so we kind of just sat there for several minutes without saying a word to each other. The teacher checked our work and said we had to wait for the others. She didn't allow the blonde cheerleader beside me to go bad to her seat though. We seriously had nothing to do. She started playing with the piece of paper we were supposed to hand in to the teacher. She drew little pictures and wrote stuff on it.

"You shouldn't ruin that, we need to hand it in" I said and took the paper away from in front of her.

"Don't touch my stuff" she angrily said and stared at me like the devil was inside her.

"_Your_ stuff?" I said and looked her right in the eyes "we did this lab report together, so it's not only yours"

Anger flashed in her hazel/green eyes, I couldn't figure out the colour. All signs of even a little bit of humor were gone.

"You're a fucking bonehead" she said, her voice was low and cold.

My hands tingled - I was so close to hit her right in the face. I clasped my hands together and interlocked my fingers so I didn't do it. She didn't look away, she stared at me, amused with what she just said. She looked happy because I didn't talk back. I ignored her and kept the piece of paper in front of me.

"Do you have some social anxiety disorder? Why won't you speak?" she said again, still very amused with herself.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" I grumbled "you don't even know me"

"Because just looking at you is exhausting. I'm stuck in the constant fear of you maybe stealing my money any second now" she said.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"You know what I mean, the reason your whole family is in jail is probably the same.." she muttered.

"That's racist" I said and this time I put my guard down, I was full of her shit.

"That's the point. You'r-"

"Are you trying to be funny?" I interrupted and stood up "you're not being funny" I said, this time a bit louder so the teacher reacted on the little fuss.

"Stop being pathetic and sit down, you might drop the beans of your pocket" she said, also a bit louder so some of the students laughed at her racist joke.

"For your information, I'm not even mexican. I'm puerto rican" I said and picked my books up "and also, go fuck yourself"

I could feel every single eye in the classroom being glued on me. _Every single one. _I was usually a violent person. This time I just turned my back and started walking away.

"Wait," the teacher called. I just kept walking, sloshing angrily through the other desks "Santana, we still have 20 minutes left of class" she said again.

I turned my back and looked at her. I didn't really want her to call my parents and tell them I ditched class. So I did what was the most embarrassing thing about this whole situation, I sat down next to the stuck up bitch again. Her eyes looked wickedly amused and she let out a very silent laugh.

"I'm sorry, Santana. That was rude of me" she said and turned her face to my side "I'm not saying it isn't true," she added "but it was rude of me to not keep it to myself".

"Look, I don't care. Just leave me alone"

"Are you this angry all the time?" she asked.

I didn't answer her. I was hoping she would take it as a point - I didn't want her to even speak to me. I watched the teacher walk around and collect everyone's lab reports. When she got to us she looked at us longer than she did with the others because of our little scene later. She said we were supposed to discuss our work now for the coming 15 minutes.

"Or maybe you're like this because your dad is in jail.." she said and chuckled.

She seriously thought all these racist jokes, or if they even were jokes from her point of view, were funny. It was utterly annoying. She was pissing me off more than I showed her she was. I pretended what she said didn't make me want to kick her teeth out of place.

"For your information, my dad is a doctor"

"For monkeys?" she said.

"I applaud your recovered humor, blondie" I said and looked away at the clock hanging over the door.

"Watch what you call me, scum" she said and watched me carefully as I looked at her again.

"Aren't you blonde?" I asked just to irritate her.

"You meant it as an insult" she gasped.

"Like you did with all those things before?"

"Those things are meant for people like you, go back to wherever the hell you come from if this annoys you" she said and her lips were pressed into a hard thin line.

It felt like the heat of my anger bursting out of my body would set her on fire. That's how angry she was making me. But the angrier I got, the more satisfied she looked. I fought hard to keep myself from snapping.

"Fine. Good for you" I said, my voice guarded.

For the rest of the class she stopped talking. I was happy for that, but she really pushed my buttons and I knew her type. I was usually her type. Not here though, I was alone now. What's the queen bitch without her girls? Nothing, really.

"Class dismissed" the teacher called and everyone sort of jumped out of their chairs.

I picked my books up from the desk again and the girl beside me did the same. Her friend, the taller blonde one showed up behind her and waited for her to get ready.

"How did you like working with the newbie, Quinn?" she asked but she didn't even look at me. She said it extra loud, she wanted to make sure I would hear her say it. I ignored it and walked out of there.


	3. Mud

"Hey, you're Santana Lopez" he looked overly helpful, the math club type of guy.

As if I didn't know my own name. He was tall, blonde and green eyed. Behind him stood two other girls. One asian and the other was coloured.

"I am" I said as I kept walking with them just behind me.

"We saw how Quinn treated you in class the other day.. Pretty messed up" the asian girl said and stood beside me now "you can sit with us at lunch.. If you want" she said again.

I considered it to be honest. These people were nerds, it was obvious. I still had no choice, it was either sit with them or hide in the school yard with my lunchbox on my knees. Pathetic. I looked out the window and that was what made me sure about my choice. All I could see was thick fog, you could barely see the sky. It was like being in a cage.

At lunch, we sat at one of those round tables. I didn't spot the cheerleader clique at all today so I was kind of relieved. The people I was with, honestly, I didn't know their names but it felt so damn awkward. I didn't fit in. However, I tried to be nice although I felt uncomfortable. I tried to be social and speak now and then. They asked me about where I come from and I answered them with short answers. I can't lie though, they were nice people. No one else here approached me and tried to befriend me for the whole week I was here. I know it's not a lot but people were nothing but ignorant and rude.

"So how do you like it here?" the dark girl asked.

"It's okay, I guess"

"You sound insecure about your answer" she said again and laughed.

"I am" I admitted "I haven't really experienced the best of New York just yet" I sarcastically said and half smiled.

"We can be your friends" the asian girl said.

"I didn't really ask for any friends" I said.

"Oh.."

"It doesn't mean I couldn't use some friends" I said again when I noticed what I said moments earlier sounded a bit rude.

"Oh, okay," she said and her face lightened "you need to hang with the right people to like New York" she said and her two friends agreed.

"Well well, what do we have here" I heard and turned around.

It was her. The cheerleader who's name I most recently learned, Quinn. Her friend was with her.

"What do you want now?" I asked.

"I see you got yourself new friends" she said in a wondering tone with a crooked smile on her face.

"Yes I have, does it bother you?"

"Don't get stuck up, beanhead" her friend said now, the taller blonde cheerleader.

I studied her face apprehensively. I didn't understand what their problem was, still, I ignored them now. I could feel them still standing behind me. I just didn't bother to look back anymore. They were acting like five year olds. One minute after they noticed I wouldn't give them one more second of my attention, they walked away and I found them on the other side of the room. I looked at my new friends now, waited for them to say something because they had been quiet this whole time.

"Are those girls always like that?" I asked to break the annoying silence.

"Yeah, kind of. They've always been on everyone's back. They act like they're everything. Especially Quinn" the dark girl said.

"What's the other one like?"

"Just like Quinn, the only difference is that she doesn't get the chance to say much because Quinn is like the boss of all those cheerleader girls"

"Right. What's her name?" I curiously asked.

"I just told you, her name is Quinn. Quinn Fabray"

"No, I mean the other girl"

"Oh," she laughed "her name is Brittany Pierce"

"Brittany," I sighed "typical" I said.

"What?"

"Nothing, that's just the most common bitch name" I said.

They all just burst into laughter like I told the best joke ever. It made me let out a little smile too, I couldn't really help myself.

I walked into the girls room with the hope to get some privacy. I didn't though. I heard that someone was crying in one of the bathroom stalls and I knew it was that Quinn girls voice that was bullying some girl in there. It made it more obvious that it was her because her friend Brittany stood right outside the stall.

"What are you staring at?" she asked.

"What's happening in there?" I wondered.

"It's none of your business, get out"

"It's a public bathroom, you can't tell me to get out" I said and pushed aside her to open the door.

I saw the asian girl being assulted by Quinn. She was being racist again, just like she was with me. She threw the asian girls beanie in the toilet and flushed. I looked at her and pushed Quinn away.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she asked, irritated.

"What the hell do _you _think you're doing? This is not okay" I blurted out.

I took the asian girl by the arm and walked her out of the bathroom stall. I let her stand by the sinks as I stood face to face with Quinn. I've had enough with her. If I was going to be here for a while, this had to be fixed. I'm done playing nice with her and her friend.

"You listen to what I say carefully now," she pressed "you're going to get the fuck out of this bathroom and leave your thin eyed, yellow friend here" she commanded.

"You need to stop talking like that" I said and walked one step closer to her.

She snorted and took a step closer as well. Her friend, Brittany, stood right behind her.

"Santana, it's okay. Let's just get out.. We don't want to get into trouble" the girl I helped said.

"Listen to your friend" Brittany laughed.

Quinn just stood there and waited for me to actually leave but I didn't. I didn't move a bit. I stared at her until she came up with something good to say so I wouldn't feel the need to kick her ass.

"What are you waiting for, scum?"

"Watch it" I warned her.

"Or what, you dirty little fuck?" she said "you can't do shit. You're nothing. Now do as I say, like you're used to doing, and leave us"

Every single word that flowed from her lips made me angrier by every second that passed. My patience was starting to run out and my temper was flaring. Rage boiled through my whole body. I barely had a chance to think of my actions. The only thought I had running through my mind was getting her to shut her mouth. I raised my hand back and threw it forward as hard as I possibly could, whipping it across her face. The crack of our skin contacting echoed on the bathroom walls. Small vibrations of discreet pain started spreading in my palm and continued to my finger tips. The red mark on her cheek matched the colour of her cheerleading outfit. She stared at me, flabbergasted with wide eyes, so was Brittany. Quinn's hand slowly made it to her red cheek. I should've felt some kind of regret. But I didn't, not at all. Not even a single organ in my body could produce guilt for what I did. A trimphuant grin spread across my face as I watched her and Brittany leave the bathroom without even saying a word about my actions. I had won.

"Come on, let's go," I said and looked at her "what's your name by the way?"

"Tina," she said and didn't move just yet "that was, brave. No one has ever done that. No one dares to stand up to Quinn and Brittany"

"I don't really care about them, Tina. They can't hurt me" I said as we now walked out to the hallway. I could notice people outside the bathroom were staring at us even though I didn't really look at them. I could feel their glares.

"I just hope you don't get into trouble for that, she's really vengeful" Tina said.

During the whole day, I couldn't see Quinn and Brittany. Not until biology class when they just walked pass me without giving me any kind of rude comment or anything like that. They pretended I didn't exist, they didn't say anything to any of my new friends or me but I could hear them pick on some of the others in class. The less cool people. I found it pretty weird that they just stopped bugging me after I slapped her _once._ I was happy for it though.

On my way to the lockers, I took my time without rushing. My mom, as always, would be late anyway. I watched people pass me without even looking at me and it finally started feeling just a little bit better. I wasn't fully comfortable just yet but I felt better, I really did.

I opened my green locker and out of it fell a big pile of mud right on my feet. All my books, notes - everything was covered in dirty mud. I didn't even have to think. That's why they were so quiet all the time, that's why they left me alone. They were planning how to torture me next. I was so angry and embarrassed I couldn't even consider revange, not now. I noticed people gathering around me - some asked how I was doing, others helped and most of them lost interest and kept walking to wherever they were headed. Finally, the two people I loathed more than anything right now showed up behind me.

"Does it feel familiar?"

I looked at her proud face with so much rage inside.

"Get out of my face" I said and tried to find the janitor anywhere so he could help me clean this up.

"Aren't you farmers," she laughed "you and your family?"

"They grow beans" Brittany taunted and grinned.

"Yeah, wow," I grumbled "nice comebacks"

I closed the locker and left it. I just wanted to leave, I was too angry to even look for the janitor anymore. I knew these girls were a bit racist or just plain rude, but this, it was too much. I had never seen this type of bullying or even experienced it - not even making someone go through it myself. I didn't understand any of it and it just bugged me now more than ever before that they treated me this way.

I walked out of the school with all eyes staring at me and the two cheerleaders leaving comments just two steps behind me wherever I went. With my books pressed to my chest like some kind of shield for I don't know what myself, I spotted my mother in the parking lot. I just wished they would stop following me, I didn't want them to humiliate me in front of my mom. I knew her and she would with no hesitation at all step out of the car and come over here and ask what we were doing.

"Could you guys just leave me alone? Just for once?" I asked before taking one step closer to the car. My mom hadn't seen me yet.

"You need to learn who you're messing with," Quinn said and took one step closer to me "take that shit in your locker as a warning." she said and they turned their backs and left.


	4. Rain

"You know what Quinn Fabray, I'm done!" I yelled at her, annoyed and filled with anger.

"Done with what," she laughed and looked at the taller blonde, Brittany, beside her "can you believe this girl?"

"Not really" Brittany said with a playful grin on her face.

"I've had it with you, first the constant picking then the mud and now this - you had no right!" I approached her face with my fist and quickly lowered it before punching the for some weird reason distracting grin of her face.

"Hey, I warned you didn't I?" she assured.

"You need to step back, do you get it or not?" I demanded "you can't scare me" I said just one inch away from her face.

She looked at me. The grin was still glued on her face and her eyes were stuck on mine. She tried to scare me. What she didn't know was that staring games were nothing you play with me. I will beat you anytime. Finally she looked away at some random guy who shouted something at us. I didn't hear what he said but she pointed the finger at him.

"Are you going to leave me alone?" I asked casually.

"Let me think," her voice was sharp, she glanced up from under her lashes with small eyes "no. I will not"

I sighed and turned around. I picked up my soaked in soda notes from the floor beneath me. All my notes from biology class were ruined. Funny how the teacher didn't give a shit about it either, she said she would send Quinn to the principals office but yet here she is. I left her and her sidekick there and walked away. I can't really figure it out. Was this because I was new here or was it because of my looks? Because who I was and the family I was born into? I did get hateful racist comments from Quinn but I always took them as jokes, not actual racist comments.. I hoped they weren't, at least. I wasn't the only latin girl in this school, I had seen other girls with dark hair and eyes, also boys. I kept wondering if they went through the same things I did. I had never seen Quinn and Brittany pick on american girls or boys. Or I had, but they weren't even close as messed up as they were with me or Tina, my friend who in fact was Asian - not american. It made me think.

I sat inside the bathroom stall, eating my lunch to avoid fights with the cheerleaders. I had been doing that for the past week now. They were really starting to get to me even though I didn't show it. It was starting to hurt, having to hide like this all the time. It was painful. I chewed on the toast my mom had made me earlier this morning. I didn't feel like eating to be honest, I walked out and threw the half eaten sandwich in the trashcan. I survived on the coke I had snuck into my bag. My dad, who is a doctor, has this annoying theory about drinking coke too often which I couldn't care less about.

"Santana," I heard and I turned my back only to see Tina "what are you doing?" she was standing with another girl, short, not very much shorter than me though, wearing a skirt and she looked awfully proper for my type in friends.

"Nothing" I mumbled.

Tina looked at the coke in my hands and she suddenly got a caring face expression, her friend was just standing there in the background looking at me like I was someone from a different dimension.

"Don't say," she sighed "Santana, did you eat your lunch.. In here?"

"I did" I admitted.

"Why did you do that?" the short one spoke.

"Oh," Tina said and looked back at her "Santana, this is Rachel" she introduced her.

"I'm Santana" I said, not even looking up at her.

"Why did you?" Tina asked me again.

"Why the hell do you think?" I asked, feeling the rage in my chest swell. I tried to control it, I wouldn't want to attack the one person out of God knows how many in this school who actually cared enough to look for me. If that was what she was doing. "Can you guys please just leave me alone?" I muttered.

They both looked at me. Rachel, who I had only seen around in school now and then seemed a bit too interest in what I was going to do next.

"Santana, I feel bad leaving you here alone," Tina said "just come with us. Don't be scared of them"

"Scared?" I snapped "I'm not scared. I'm pissed off!" I threw the coke can, aiming at the trashcan inside the bathroom but it fell on the ground instead and it spread around the floor because it was half full.

"You shouldn-.."

"What?" I said, looking at the proper one, Rachel, who I know would say something about me making a mess. I knew her type too well.

She didn't respond. She looked down at the floor and just stood there and allowed Tina to keep on trying to make me go with them. I finally did, a desicion I didn't regret.

"Sorry about that" I said as we walked out and sat outside the classroom.

"You slapped Quinn, didn't you?" Rachel asked "is that why she's so pissed off at you?"

"Aren't you awfully nosy?" I asked, irritated.

"Sorry, I'm a bit curious. I'm happy you stood up to her" she confessed.

"Yeah, I'm glad someone is" I pointed out.

I was going to take the bus home today. The car was stuck at the mechanics all week. I made my way to the bus stop and I had just missed it. The next one would arrive in about 10 minutes or so. I sat down on on the bench belonging to the bus stop. It surprised me how many students were standing there too, I had thought most of these people had their own cars this whole time. I could feel small raindrops hit my nose and forehead every now and then.

Five minutes left until the bus would come and people started gathering around the spot the bus would stop at in order to get a place to sit. It had been cold all day but I didn't expect this kind of rain. It was horrible. Rain washed down the dirty road with hard drops gushing and muttering. My mom told me something about a storm coming today, I still insisted on not taking my jacket and trusting my instincts. I shouldn't have gone out in a t-shirt. It was a stupid, _stupid _idea. Four minutes left for the bus to come and I was already soaking wet. My hair, my shirt, even my damn pants. It felt uncomfortable with my hair and clothes clinged to my body like that. It made it colder than necessary. All of the sudden a car stopped by the sidewalk, a red, shiny, really girly car.

"Want a ride?" she said.

"Why would I ride in a car with _you_?" I questioned, glancing around the people who ignored us and the ones who waved at her. She was kind of popular. I guess.

"You're soaking wet, you kind of look like crap" she said as she waved back at a group of girls standing behind me.

"I can wait a few more minutes for the bus. Thank you" I turned my back. I heard the car was still there.

I overheard two guys complaining about the bus being delayed because of the storm. Which only meant this would take longer, who knows, maybe even ten more minutes. I would definitely catch a cold because of my stupid outfit choice. Annoying how mothers usually are right, even when you deny it. I closed my eyes before turning my back at her again. This was embarrassing. I was desperate. She looked at me, satisfied with herself.

"The bus is delayed" I said.

"Just jump in, beanhead"

I hesitated, my hand reached the door handle but I kept it like that for some seconds that for me, felt like a long time, just to prolong the moment. I tried to find it in my freezing self to change my mind and just wait for the bus. I couldn't though.

"Santana?" she asked in a different tone than usual, I had never heard her say my name.

I looked at her, her face was on the road. Her sharp, yet round face, concentrated on where we were heading. Her hair was let out of her ponytail so she looked different like this. I looked at her face for a really, _really_ long time before I answered her. It now came to my mind that Brittany was outstanding, she was gorgeous. A hint of a little jealousy hit my chest after I discovered that fact. I believe my mind had pushed that thought away because, well, she was a bitch.

"Yes?" I turned away now.

"Is it okay if I ask you something?" she now asked, her voice serious.

"Yes" I said and directly regretted my agreement.

"Does it bother you a lot when me and Quinn act like that towards you," she paused with her eyes still on the road "you know, when we bully you?"

"No," I lied "I don't care"

"So you don't like, cry and stuff? At home?" she curiously wondered.

"I don't" I said, not lying this time. I shuddered slightly at the feeling of the warmth that suddenly struck me as she turned the heat on in the car.

This car ride felt like forever, the traffic was hilarious. It was crazy how many cars were driving at the same direction we were. I was arguing with myself in my mind about if I should ask her about _why _they were doing it. She seemed like she actually cared but it could also only be an act. Not too long ago, not even a day ago, she was being a bully.

"We seem to be stuck here for a while" she said.

"Why?" I asked and opened the window to look out and inspect the scene long before us, I quickly regretted it and pushed my head back inside the car and rolled the window up again.

"I have no idea, an accident maybe" she sounded confident about it.

"Where's your friend?" I asked, avoiding to say her name.

"She has her own car" she said flatly.

"How come you guys never leave me alone? Is it because I'm latin?" I couldn't keep it inside, I needed to know.

She started driving again and the traffic was slowly moving faster. We drove through the hard rain and the raindrops hitting the metal on the car and the windows that protected us from the rain were letting out strong knocks on the glass it was hitting.

"It has never rained like this here, maybe you brought it with you" she said in a jeering tone.

"Come on, don't ignore my question. Is it?"

"Do you want me to regret helping you," she sighed "which I actually already am starting to do, do you?"

"I don't care, not even a little" I said.

"Aren't you cold?" her voice was guarded, cold. Like she just asked me that to sound nice.

"I'm not that delicate" I answered.

I noticed that Brittany wasn't wearing a jacket herself, just the red and white cheerleading costume. It was hard to ignore the fact that she _had _to be nicer than Quinn. Although I didn't know any of them, I was almost fully sure that Quinn would never offer me a ride home. Never in a million years. Her eyes wandered up to the rearview mirror. I kept studying her face with curiosity.

"Do you have blue eyes?" I said without even thinking, I spoke my thoughts out loud.

She turned her face at me. Her eyes reached my mine and her eyebrows furrowed before her lips formed a smile.

"Well, aside from the obvious, what do you think?" she jokingly asked.

I didn't answer, it had come to my attention that I just made a fool out of myself. She rolled her eyes before they became serious again and her head faced the road.

"Where do you live? I need to know where to turn soon" she asked, ignoring my question _again._

I told her where I lived, perfectly explained directions too and everything. I watched her turn and speed over the limit sometimes, like she couldn't wait to get rid of me. No one really asked her to even pick me up in the first place so she has no one but herself to blame for this. It wasn't my problem anymore. I didn't bring the subject up again until we reached my house and she stopped right outside. I didn't get out directly.

"You're going to answer my question" I decided.

"Okay" she agreed "yes, it is"

"It is?" I was surprised how hard it hit my chest.

"Yes"

"Why..," I frowned, my eyes tightened as she stared at me "I don't understand"

"I don't either, to be honest"

I tried to be optimistic. Even at a time like this, after hearing a confession as cutting as this. This was at least an explanation, now I know why they were doing all of those things. I was so close to snapping. I was so angry.

"Alright" I opened the door unwillingly, I wanted to stay and just ask her why who I was bothered them so much. I wanted to know why they found it needful to bully me because of my race.

"Santana?" she said when I walked out of the car. She was leaning toward me, staring at me from inside the car out the window. It was still raining.

"What?"

"Don't think this means I'll be nicer to you" Brittany smiled.

I was unable to move until I had gotten a grip of what she was saying. She drives me home, being kind of nice, or nicer than usual during the drive home and now she says this? I gulped to prevent the lump in my throat from making my voice crack. I wanted to cry because I was angry, not because I was sad. I was just angry.

"Why did you even bother taking me home?" I asked.

She didn't answer me. She rolled the window up and I could see her lips curve up at the corners. I was nothing but confused and mad right now, both at her and myself. I stumbled to the front door of my house. I turned around after unlocking the door to watch the red mercedes disappear on the road.


	5. Note

I had been thinking about my ride with Brittany all day long. I couldn't stop, it was so weird to hear someone say it out loud. I didn't ever hear anyone say they hated me becuase they were racist. Somehow though, something about them made me feel like it really wasn't because they were "racist". Would a racist person really give a ride to someone they truly hate? They'd rather let the person suffer in the rain. I was curious about them and what they actually wanted from me. I demanded to figure it out and I would.

Today was a normal day, me, Tina and Rachel were the only ones at the lunch table. Me and Rachel sat next to each other so she kept talking about herself and what she wants with life. I pretended to be listening but really I was just looking for Brittany. And Quinn, I guess. I couldn't see them yet so I faced Rachel and concentrated harder on what she was saying.

"What are your dreams then?" she asked when she finally stopped talking.

"To get the hell out of here"

She didn't answer to what I said. She gave me a half hearted smile and started a conversation with Tina just to avoid my pessimistic self. Just that moment, Quinn and Brittany walked into the lunch room. They looked at our direction and when Quinn met my eyes she quickly looked over at Rachel and her face expression was beyond hilarious. She looked pissed, _so damn pissed_. It made me laugh a little bit and I didn't know why but I couldn't control myself.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" she came up to me and said.

"You, obviously" I said with no fear of her at all.

She looked at Rachel again and Rachel just looked down at her plate like a sad little puppy. It was annoying to watch her be so afraid of Quinn.

"Is she one of your victims too?" I asked and pointed at the puppy eyed Rachel beside me.

"You can say that" she said and smirked at Rachel.

I furrowed my eyebrows and ignored it. I looked at Brittany who as always, just stood behind Quinn and waited for a opening to say something mean. It was funny now that I think about it. They were both very funny.

"Will you ever leave?" I asked when they had been standing there for too long without even saying anything. I succeeded to make them go away though, they left and sat down at their normal table.

"What the hell was that, Rachel?" Tina wondered.

"Nothing, Quinn is just messing with me like she is doing with everyone else" Rachel answered and started eating again.

Something was clearly up but I didn't care enough to even ask or get nosy. The sound of everyone in the background talking still didn't make me think of anything else. I couldn't get Brittany out of my head. It wasn't a crush or even feelings in that case, at all. It was just very hard to stop thinking about her. It really was. Every now and then I would glance over at her table at look at her just to maybe figure out what it was that made her get stuck in my head. I didn't come up with any conclusion. She smiled at her friends and they really seemed like normal, nice girls when you watched them from a far like this. However, when you get to know their type all of your hopes of maybe one day being friends with them or anything like that flies out the window. I found it odd how Brittany didn't even act like she gave me a ride home or that she almost was nice to me, and even more interesting, she didn't say anything to me today. Not a word. Even though she promised, or claimed, she wouldn't be any nicer to me just because of the ride home she gave me. Compared to her previous comments, what she was now, was being nice.

Today I decided to wear a jacket, I felt it was neccessary in case anything like that happened again. I walked to my locker to get my books in order to get my homework done tonight. That's how I spend my Friday nights when I don't have any friends. Or well, I do have Tina. And I guess you could say I had Rachel too. Although we hung out in school all the time we didn't make plans outside school property. Not that I'm upset about it or anything, it's just that sometimes I wouldn't mind hanging out with them outside school, like today. Studying on a Friday night? Not really my first choice, but it was also my only choice. I put the key into the keyhole and opened the locker up. I got my books and shoved them into my bag that was almost full because I had the gym clothes in there too. Not the smartest choice but what do I do? Before shutting it again I noticed there was a piece of white paper folded inside the locker right on the left corner of it. I took the piece of paper in my hands out of curiousity, I didn't remember putting it there. I shut the locker and unfolded it on my way to the bus stop. Two words were written in a girly, yet elegant script. _Be safe. _The first one I thought of was Brittany, it had to be her.

In biology class, nothing ever seemed to be fully okay. It was always something up, people arguing, the teacher getting furious and the most usual thing, me and Quinn fighting. I was relieved when I looked up at the clock and found that there was not more than five minutes left of the lesson. I would hurry out of the classroom and wait for Brittany and Quinn to walk out so I could ask Brittany what she meant by the note she put in my locker. When the teacher dismissed us I picked up my books and stood outside the classroom. Not too long after me, they walked out. I made my way to stand in front of them and they stopped walking.

"What do you want?" Quinn bugged.

"I want to ask Brittany something" I responded.

I looked at Brittany who was some inches taller than me and tried to keep my eyes away from meeting hers. Each time I looked at Brittany I always looked at her eyes, not because I wanted to but because the blue color they had made something inside me curious. However, I did catch her attention and I took the note out of my pocket.

"What did you mean by this?"

She looked at me and took the piece of paper in her hand and read it briefly. She shook her head and gave it back to me with a mocking smile.

"As much as you'd want it to be.. I didn't put that in your locker" she said.

"Come on, if you didn't, then who else would it be?" I nagged.

"I don't know. Don't ask me, maybe someone likes you" she laughed and they walked away.

Something about her made me sure about the fact that she was telling the truth. I just didn't want to believe it because I was worried about who it might had been. Could it be some random guy who's been watching me and stalking me? It could be anyone, really. I was desperate to find out exactly who.

On my way to lunch, this time without Tina, she was sick today so I didn't have anyone to hang out with. I hadn't seen Rachel around either and a part of me was kind of happy about that fact. Still, it would be nice to have someone to hang out with. I would look pathetic sitting there alone. It was so empty in the hallway that I could hear the people who were outside school shout and talk awfully loud. I didn't usually hear them when the hallways were full of students. Most people were still in class and the other half was probably already at lunch.

"Hey" someone said and dragged me by the arm and pushed me to the wall.

With her hand placed on my shoulder she looked into my eyes with a playful, annoying smile on her lips. I shivered as her hand started to move from my neck up to my cheek. I could bet the whole world she could feel I shuddered. I looked at her and tried to push myself away but she caught my eyes and I stopped.

"It was me," she whispered into my ear and I swear to God I felt her tongue wander across my ear as well "you know.. I've built some kind of obsession with mocking you all the time.." I swallowed a big lump in my throat to prevent myself from either laughing or saying something stupid. I didn't know how to react.

I pushed aside her and stood there with my back facing the hallway and her back facing the wall. I took several steps back slowly, and quickly rushed to the lunch room. I searched the lunch room until finally and luckily, I found the blonde guy and the dark girl I had talked to the first day I got introduced to my "new friends" the one I really became friends with was Tina. Nevertheless, I walked towards them and hoped they would be okay with me sitting with them. And of course, they were.

"It just hit me you don't even know my name," the dark girl laughed "my name is Mercedes" she smiled.

"You already know my name though" I joked and looked around the room, nearly all the time.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes, how come?"

"Well.. for starters, your eyes are scanning every single clique in this room all the time and secondly, you haven't even picked out your lunch box" she said with a sympatethic look on her face.

"I'm fine" I assured and picked the blue lunch box out of my bag and began to eat.

I would eat the food we get in school but it's really disgusting. I tried it once and I'm never putting myself through _that _again. Ever.

"So are Quinn and Brittany still on your back?" Mercedes questioned.

"Kind of, not like the first few days but they are, yeah" I implied.

She just looked around as I did and furrowed her eyebrows at me.

"Seriously," she laughed "what are you looking for?"

"Nothing, nothing"

"Are you sure? It doesn't seem like nothing"

God. She was worse than that Rachel girl, so damn nosy. Couldn't she just mind her own business and not ask me about every single move I make. It was impossible to avoid her questions. I looked at Mercedes and tried to smile but my face wouldn't allow me to look nice.

"It's nothing. Let it go, will you?" I almost begged.

"Fine," she said "but, if it's Quinn and Brittany you're looking for.. They're sitting on the table behind you by the door" she pointed at them and looked at me.

I sank into my chair with my arms crossed and my eyes facing my untouched lunch box.

"I figured" she cleared her throat to obviously stop herself from laughing.

When the subject was off topic and we started discussing other not interesting stuff I sneaked a look and caught Quinn looking at me. All I could think about now was how the anger in my chest began to expand through my whole body. Only now, when I was out of the shock moment, I wanted to go up to her and punch her head off. I didn't though, I kept sitting with Mercedes and her blonde friend. I hoped they wouldn't come up here like they usually did. I knew that if I had the chance I _would_ start fighting with her. The feeling of her tongue brushing against my ear made me so uncomfortable, and the note.. The confusing note. It was all so messed up. She kept finding new ways to torture me basically all the time. This though, it was too much for me to cope with.

During all yesterday, Tuesday, I didn't see the cheerleaders. It was a good thing because I was still very confused with Quinn and the way she acted. I kept the note in my pocket still, just to pick it up and try to read between the lines every time I thought of it. Why would she want me to be safe if she's the only person who's making it not safe for me in this school? She was hard to read but after analyzing it since Friday, I decided to think of it as a warning. Quinn and Brittany had probably planned something awful and she put that note in my locker just to prepare me for it. Then again, what was with that little scene she caused? Where she threw herself on me?

On Wednsdays, we didn't have many lessons. It was math, English and P.E class only. I didn't have any of those lessons with Quinn and Brittany, except for P.E, which I didn't want to face. Everytime we had P.E they would choose me to be on their team only to make it seem like I'm a shitty player on whatever sport we are doing, even though I'm better than them most of the time. Or, they would not choose me so I was on the other team and they had the chance to attack me so it didn't look like they hated me to the teacher, they always made it look like an accident. Also, in the locker room I always changed in the bathroom, I know, it was silly but I didn't feel good about the fact that I was one hundred percent sure that they would either hide my clothes or pull some other sick joke.

When the moment came and I had to be in the same room as them, I tried to avoid Quinn as much as possible, Brittany on the other hand, didn't give me any attention at all anymore, not even a glance or a angry glare for that matter. It was only Quinn, she as she said some days ago, was obsessed with mocking me.

"Okay guys, team up" the teacher demanded and we got into teams.

For my luck, Tina didn't skip P.E today, she always did but I convinced her not to do it today. I really didn't feel like being alone near Quinn. Me and Tina were in the same team and so was Brittany, Quinn was in the other team. We were playing volleyball and I kicked ass on this sport so I was going to beat the other team by myself if I had to. And of course, I did. Not alone though, but we did win. Not surprisingly at all, Quinn was pissed off about it. She was saying things about me cheating and coming up with excuses to why she couldn't win, until she got calmer and walked up to me.

"Nice played, Lopez" she passed me and nudged my shoulder.


	6. Enough

Ever since that little incident with Quinn last week, I haven't really been comfortable in school. I've been hanging out a lot with Rachel and Tina as always, but also Mercedes. I was happy I had them in my life, especially Mercedes, even though Tina is a really cool girl, Mercedes is more like me. We connected better and had more to talk about. She knew everything, about what Quinn did, the note - everything. I needed to tell someone so I decided to tell her. I would tell Tina, but she would freak out and overthink everything like it was about her and not me. I felt really gormless for not getting what the note meant yet, I was still thinking about it. Brittany didn't give me any attention again, Quinn didn't either, not since that day in P.E. I had been focusing on Brittany a lot lately, trying to catch her attention for some reason. I didn't know why myself but I got used to her comments about me in the background and now that I didn't hear them I kind of wished I could get them back. It sounds really stupid but I can't get her out of my head. Not since that day in her car. And yet again, it's not that I feel something for her, it's just that I find her ever so interesting. I wanted to know more about her, that was it. She seemed like the kind of person you could have a lot of fun with, that's how I saw her. Everytime I gawked her way she would smile or laugh. She always looked happy, and I came to the end of my interest in her. It was hard for me to understand how someone could be happy _all _the time.

All day I had been with Rachel, Tina and Mercedes. We did see Quinn and Brittany a couple of times but we didn't speak. We sat outside today, it was sunny so we decided to sit on the benches there instead of staying inside school on our long lunch break. Our English teacher was sick and they couldn't find anyone to replace him with in time and that gave us an extra hour long break. When we stepped outside, I felt a quick feeling of apricity. It was sunny but yet there was a bit snow on the ground. Yes, weirdly, it started snowing in November. It wasn't much of it though. We made our way to the benches and sat on each side of the table. Me and Rachel sat next to each other, Rachel was in front of Tina and I was in front of Mercedes.

"Are any of you excited for prom or am I the only one who can't seem to shut up about it?" Rachel said.

"It's months left for prom so right now, yes you are" Tina commented.

"I don't usually get excited for things like that" I added.

"Why not?" Mercedes said and looked up on me and away from her walkman.

"I don't know, I'm not the type who enjoys proms. I mean, if I go, I'll just be bored"

"Not with us, we'll have fun together" Tina said.

"What do you say we ditch the boys and be each others dates?" Rachel asked and laughed.

"Come on, it's months left.. Let's plan our prom dates when it's time for that" I answered before Tina and Mercedes did.

She agreed and smiled. I felt bad for snapping at Rachel so many times, she was a nice girl. Very annoying from time to time but she wasn't mean. She was a good friend so I decided not to be a bitch. I guess her idea wasn't _that _bad. I didn't find any of the boys in school interesting at all so I would rather just go with a friend.

"Santana, what are you doing after school?" Mercedes asked.

"Nothing really, I'll study a bit I guess" I responded.

"Why don't you come with us?"

"Yeah that'll be really nice if you did" Rachel said and smile. She was so welcoming it made me feel like a child sometimes.

"Where are you going?"

"Shopping, and probably go see some movie" Mercedes said.

"You should really come with us" Rachel added.

I looked around and just then Quinn and Brittany walked out to the schoolyard. The first thing Quinn did was to look our way. I saw her say something to Brittany and right after, Brittany looked at us too and let out a laugh, a silent one for us because we couldn't hear them. I turned my face back to Mercedes and she was just waiting for me to say yes or no.

"Yeah, I," I quickly glansed at Quinn again "I'll come with you guys"

Mercedes gave me a look that made me sure about the fact that she saw me look at Quinn. Rachel and Tina were just sitting and watching us, smiling because I agreed on going with them after school.

"Oh no, not this again" Mercedes said and rolled her eyes.

I looked behind us and saw Brittany and Quinn walk over to us.

"Did you forget what I told you earlier, Rachel?" Quinn jeered and stared down at Rachel.

Rachel mumbled something none of us could hear. She turned her head back facing Tina instead of Quinn.

"Hey, speak louder" Quinn demanded.

"You can't tell me what to do" Rachel argued.

"You're such an idiot, Berry" Quinn taunted.

I could notice Rachel began to get pissed off. I didn't know what Quinn had on Rachel but she really was controlling as hell. It wasn't comfortable to watch for any of us. I looked at Brittany and tried to get her to look at me just once. She didn't. She pretended I wasn't present, she acted like I was a part of the wind - there but invisible. They walked away and Rachel just sat all quiet, nobody asked her what Quinn was talking about either. Although it was wrong and nosy of me, I had to ask her about it.

"So..," I cleared my throat "why is Quinn treating you like that?"

"It's nothing, really. She's just acting like she always is"

"Yeah but..," I thought for a minute before continuing "if you say so"

I noticed directly how Rachel got nervous when I asked her so I decided not to care, right now. It was obviously not the right time to question her about it yet. I believed that she would tell us about her issues with Quinn when she's ready to.

****

The next day was nothing I expected. Not at all. I walked into school with a rush, I was going to be late to my first lesson so I had to run a little. I opened my locker and pulled my books out before locking it again. Before I walked into the classroom I felt someone drag me back into the empty hallway. I turned around and before me stood Brittany and Quinn. I waited for them to say something before even saying anything myself. They looked at each other and smiled before talking to me.

"How are you doing?" Quinn asked, with a normal tone that made me a bit suspicious.

"I'm fine. I'm also late for my lesson so I'll go in now" I answered.

"Yeah about that.." Brittany said and stopped me by standing in front of me to block the way.

I was just surprised she said something to me today. She hadn't been talking to me since the car ride.

"What do you want?" I asked them.

"Your respect" Quinn.

"Who the hell do you think you are" I laughed.

"You need to respect us you idiot!," Quinn started to raise her voice "you come new to this school and act like you own shit"

She walked closer to me and gave me a soft push. This had to be why they left me alone for so long, so they could come up and start a argument big enough the whole school would probably know about it. I could feel that this would be one of those arguments.

"What are you doing?"

"Should I do it one more time, harder?," she teased "maybe then you'll know"

I scowled at Quinn and noticed her anger was on fire today. What did I do to trig her like this, on a morning? I haven't said anything to her that would piss her off these past days so I had no logical explanation. I peeked quickly at Brittany who stood behind me. She was staring at a different direction.

"Why do you hate me?"

"I already told you, didn't I?" Brittany answerd coolly.

"What did she tell you?" Quinn asked.

"I told her we hated her because we were racist" Brittany answered for me.

"Why would lie to her?" Quinn complained.

This started to become something about them two. I tried to sneak away and get into the classroom but Brittany stopped me yet again.

"I said that so she would stay away" Brittany admitted.

I looked at Quinn and she grimaced at Brittany. Her face furrowed and her eyes tightened. She walked by me and whispered something to Brittany. I looked at them and tried to figure out what the problem was and the fact that I missed the first half of my first lesson didn't make any of this better.

"I should go in" I said and tried to sneak away again.

"Wait," Quinn called "we aren't being mean to you because we're racist. That's not it" she said and I turned around to watch them both with their arms crossed and faces pointed at me.

"What is it then?" I asked and noticed Brittany had her bangs up with the ponytail today.

"We were.. How do I say this without making it sound like I like you," she cleared her throat and continued "impressed"

"Impressed?"

"Yes," Quinn said "we always scared people, even though we didn't do anything to them. As soon as they saw us, they knew they shouldn't mess around"

"Yeah?" I wondered "what's your point?"

"My point is, we're sorry if we made it sound like we were racist. I have no idea why Brittany tried to push you away, I'm not done with torturing you" Quinn smirked.

"So you apologize but then say you won't stop being on my back?"

"I said I was sorry for sounding racist, not for being mean to you," she took a step closer again and looked at me "I think it's time you stop fighting it"

"I think not," I said "you're so confused you don't even know what you want"

"Come on Quinn, can't we just go now?" Brittany interrupted.

"What the hell is wrong with you today?," Quinn raised her voice at Brittany again "stop feeling like you can't be mean to this girl. Remember she slapped me!"

"You already got your revenge" Brittany said and quickly glansed at me,

"Okay look, I don't know what you guys want from me now but can you just let me go to my class?" I asked.

"No," Quinn took me by the collar of my shirt "you're pissing me off"

"What did I do now?" I said and snatched myself out of her grip.

"Quinn leave her alone for now, let's just go" Brittany spoke again.

"This bitch needs to learn her lesson"

"What lesson? You psycho," I snorted "do you want me to tell Brittany what you did earlier?" I threatened.

"What did she do?" Brittany asked.

I looked at Quinn with a slowly appearing smile on my face, I waited for her to react so I or herself could tell Brittany.

"You shut your mouth" she took a step closer.

"Why? Are you afraid you won't be able to resist me again and lick my fucking ear?," I teased "time to get out of the closet, Quinn"

"That was nothing but a threat! You scum" she said and raised her fist to have it reach my face as she lowered it.

The first punch hit my left cheek with surprise. I noticed to late that she actually would sink to that level and hit me. I fell hardly to the ground as she pushed me down and jumped on top of me. The second hit was a hard punch that doubled me over and expelled the last bit of choked air from my belly. I felt a fair amount of pain from the gutshot she had given me. This was something I wasn't used to. Getting hit like this. I managed to get her of me and stood up. I stood straight, my eyes bulging with rage and glued on Quinn's angry face. I lift my hand up and swung it against her smirking face but she moved to the side so I missed it. The blow felt very sluggish and I felt that while I tried to hit her back. Before I even had the chance to dodge, I felt another body shot, this one met the edge of my ribs and it sent horrible ripples of pain through my shirt. I didn't let myself fall again, I made sure I wouldn't let her hit me to the floor again. Quinn went for another punch but I shoved her off. Seeing Quinn scoot so far from the hard shove I gave her made me even more confident. I quickly approached her and covered the distance between us. I threw three fast and amazingly hard slaps on the same cheek on her face and shoved her to the wall just to watch her fall down to the floor. The pain I felt by my ribs and my gut was hard to describe. I thanked God for the adrenaline kick I got and the rage that made me attack her like that. I looked at Quinn sitting on the floor with her head low and a weak feel of sympathy grew inside me. I glansed over at Brittany who just stood there with a face expression that made me wonder if she was amazed or scared of me, I couldn't figure it out.

"You'll see.." Quinn grunted out of pain.

"Will you stop?," I said and nearly helped her up but stopped myself from going there "how many times do I need to prove that you can't do anything that will hurt me more than I can hurt you?"

Quinn didn't say another word. She stood up and felt her cheek. Brittany's face was still very ineffable. I could feel the pain from the places she punched me pound like a heartbeat does. I just didn't want her to know I needed to see the school nurse. I guessed it showed on my face though, it was obvious when Brittany finally looked at me that she noticed something was wrong.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," I lied "will you let me go now?" I said and pointed my sentence to Quinn.

Just then a teacher passed and noticed something was going on. I looked at Quinn, waiting for her to answer me. She stood up on her legs and pushed me so hard I nearly fell, but I was steady. I watched her and I was two seconds away from slapping the living shit out of her again but the teacher held her back before _she _got the chance to attack _me _again. I looked at the man holding her as Quinn snapped like I've never seen her do before. He nodded to me with a understanding look on his face so I knew he wanted to me to leave before something worse happened.

"Walk away and fix your hair before you get to biology class, scum!" she yelled as the teacher held her back see you there, you'll regret this!" she shouted again. It was the last thing I heard before I got out of the hallway and couldn't hear anything from her anymore.


	7. B

Prom was a month away. All I saw Quinn Fabray walking around and nearly begging people to vote for her as prom queen. I was hoping she would win, she looked like the girl who goes to high school only to become prom queen and then brag about it until she turns forty and her children finally tell her it's enough. I would _never_ want to be prom queen. I wouldn't even go to prom, not at this school, if it wasn't for my friends. Mercedes and Rachel especially, insisted. I _had _to go. Otherwise I was "boring".

Two weeks ago Quinn swore she would get back at me for kicking her ass. She hadn't laid a finger on me ever since, which I thank God for, she'll lose the hand she touches me with next if she tries to physically hurt me ever again. My ribs were still sore after our fight, not as much as before but they were. The school nurse had given me a lotion that actually helped a lot. My gutshot wasn't as painful from the start so the pain from that area moved quickly.

I looked for them, my friends, before going to class. And finally, they found me. I heard someone shout my name and I looked back. Behind me stood Tina and Rachel. I remembered we were going out later today. I had to let them down, I promised my mother last week that I would go shopping with her. I had forgotten about it, that's why I thanked yes to Rachel's offer about going with them to Manhattan. I had no idea what they were going to do there but I guessed I'd rather do that than stay inside alone. However, the plans changed for me when I recalled the plans I had made with my mom.

Last period went really fast. I stumbled through the last lessons until it was time to get home, my mother was already waiting outside. Of course, when it was time for her to get herself stuff, she was right on time. Sometimes I was just too much like my mother. It wasn't hard to notice who taught me what I know.

"Mom, seriously I'm not hungry" I tried to insist as my mother ignored me and parked the car outside the restaurant.

"Well I am" she said.

She walked to the door of the restaurant and held it open with a determined look on her face. Obviously, I had no say in this so I just went with it without arguing about it anymore. I walked in front of her into the chinese place with a sigh silently leaving my breath. The restaurant was kind of crowded - it looked like a popular place. The host was a dark haired guy with green eyes, probably some years older than me, wearing a white shirt tucked into his black pants. I understood the look in his eyes as he assessed me. He was a little more welcoming than neccessary. I was amazed by how much his cheeky presence bothered me.

"A table for two?" his voice allured.

"Yes, thank you" my mother politely smiled.

He led us to a table big enough for a whole family even though we agreed on a table for _two. _It was in the middle of the most crowded area of the restaurant.

"Is this okay? It's crowded, as you can see" he flashed his smile pointed at me.

"No problem" mother happily said as she watched him stare at me without even picking on what she answered "are you finding anything you like?" she sarcastically asked to catch his attention again.

"Yeah um, " he cleared his throat "your server will be here in a moment" he said and unsteadily walked away.

"What the hell was his problem" I laughed.

"I think he got a little crush on you," my mother joked "didn't you notice how he tried to talk to you all the time instead of me. I noticed directly when we walked in that he found you interesting"

The good thing about me and my mother was that we can talk about stuff like this without it getting awkward. We have that kind of connection and it's not hard for us to talk, we always find something interesting to say to each other. My dad on the other hand, would be rude to the host if he noticed his flirty ways towards me. He thinks I'm too young for dating or flirting with people even though I'm 17. I always tell him to come see other girls my age - he'd get a heart attack.

"You shouldn't do that to people" I criticized with laughter hidden in my voice.

"Do what?"

"He was already nervous, the poor guy. I bet you my life he's probably hyperventilating somewhere in the corners of this place right now"

I watched my mother in front of me laugh about at my pale joke.

"Well, I need to protect my daughter from staring boys like that. There can't be anything good wandering their minds if they can't turn away," she smiled "are there any boys you like at your school? Or girls?''

"Come on" I said. "You know I would tell you if I liked someone, mom"

"I hope so," she looked away at the staff door for a moment to see if the waiter or waitress would be here soon "I would want to know what type of person my daughter likes before I can approve"

"Don't worry"

And right after that our waitress finally arrived. Even though I wasn't hungry before, sitting here made me hungry so I decided to eat something anyway. It was obvious she had been doing dishes or something back in the kitchen. She flipped the red fringe behind so it wouldn't bother her while communicating with us.

"Hello, my name is Aubry and I'll be your waitress this evening. Are you ready to order or should I come back in a while?"

"We're ready, or I am - what about you Santana?"

"Sure"

"What will it be?" she asked with what looked like a forced smile on her lips.

"I'll have the egg noodles with vegetables"

"I want the beef noodles, skip the onions" I ordered.

"Of course, let me know if there's anything else" the coy smile on her lips was still there. We smiled back and she left into the kitchen to give the cooks our orders.

About fifteen minutes later she returned with our plates. I took the fork and started eating immidietly. My mom exchanged some words with the waitress and started eating after she left.

"I thought you weren't hungry?"

"Me too, I guess I was"

"How are the people in your school treating you?," she asked and took her second bite of the food. "This is really good" she said, ignoring her first question.

"They're nice" I answered anyway.

"Are you sure? Somedays you come home and you don't even talk to us, you just march right into your room" her face turned into a sad and sympatetic look that made me feel depressed "do you have friends? Are they being nice to you?" she asked again.

"Mom, mom" I said "calm down, will you? I have like three friends, they're really nice. Don't worry" I assured her "don't you remember I went out with them to the movies and stuff not so long ago?"

"Right, right" she smiled, still with a smouldering look on her face "I'm just worried - I know we pulled you away from all your friends. I just want you to like it here"

"I'll get there, don't worry about me"

The weekend went really fast, it felt like I didn't even blink twice and it was already Sunday night. I got ready for bed by washing my face, my teeth and changing into anything comfortable enough to sleep in. I turned the radio on - like I always do before I sleep. It makes me think deeper when I listen to music. And deep thinking makes me sleepier. Tonight though, I found it annoying to hear the radio in the background. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Every night before I fell alseep I thought about my friends back in Portales, I missed them a lot. I also started to feel scared about the fact that Quinn and Brittany didn't say anything to me. I did kick her ass, badly. I kept thinking about her maybe planning something brutal that would make me regret my actions. I shook the thought away quickly, nothing she would do to me would make me regret what I did. She deserved it, there were no limits for her. She didn't understand when to stop. I honestly believed that Brittany was a better person than Quinn, I was obviously wrong. If she had been a better person, she wouldn't let her take it so far.

The next morning I woke up without the alarm even ringing more than once. My mom drove me to school and I couldn't feel shittier than I already did. Monday was the worst day of the week for me. I was always stressed during the whole day without knowing why.

"Santana?"

"Hey, Rachel" I called, waving back, unable to be cold to her on a morning like this.

Rachel came to sit next to me. The tidy combed brown hair shining in the light striking in from the window behind us, her smile was stretching across her face.

"I never noticed how dark your hair actually is" she commented, catching a strand of it between her fingers.

"Is that good or bad?" I jokingly asked.

"It's good - dark hair is nice" she said and smiled now with her teeth hidden behind her lips.

I answered her with a smile and looked away as she let go of the strand of my hair and placed it exactly the way it was before. Silence began to grow between us.

"Great day, don't you think?" she asked. She was overly social and I had never been with her alone so I guess this was how she always was.

"My kind of day. I missed the sun a bit" I agreed.

"I love it when there's sun during the winter, it makes everything outside so much prettier"

"It does" I smiled with hope that she would leave me alone soon or that Mercedes or Tina would show up and talk to her instead.

"So, what did you do yesterday? I know most people always have plans on Sundays" she asked with her voice a little bit proprietary, like she was fully sure about the fact that I did something yesterday, which I actually didn't.

"Well, I don't know what kind of people you know but for your information I'm always just bored on Sundays. So I just worked on my biology stem cell research" I didn't brag about being finished with it, there was no need to sound smug.

"Do you like biology?"

"It's okay I guess" I answered.

"You and Quinn are in the same class, right?" she asked, sounding deflated "is she still mean to you?"

"She hasn't done anything the past two weeks so I would have to say no" I was taken off guard by her sudden interest in Quinn's way of treating me.

"Oh," she sighed "that's good" she didn't sound to confident about her answer.

"What's the deal with you and Quinn? Is she _that _mean to you?," I looked at Rachel's frowned face as her eyebrows began to furrow in the middle "you can't seem to talk about her without looking like you're in pain"

"Why?," she asked, her eyes guarded "this is the second time you ask me this"

My mind brought back the memory of Quinn's little move on me that day. Could it be that she had done the same thing to Rachel?

"I think you just get a little bit nervous around her"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"I don't" I lied.

"You're you, Santana," she looked dazed "what do you want me to say?"

"Nothing, nothing" I took the advantage of her confusion to escape.

"Oh" she exhaled.

"Look, Rachel" I said before I stood up "you can tell me anything, alright? If there is something to tell" I gathered my books up from beside me and stuffed them into my far too small bag.

She nodded at me with a smile I know was real. I would probably regret saying that to her at some point sometime later - but right now, I could sense she needed to talk. I needed to talk as well, so why not take advantage of each other.. When she's ready.

Our last lesson was cancelled for some reason so that means we got to go home much earlier than usual today. My mother was still working so I would have to take the buss. Then Mercedes offered me a ride home because she drove to school. I stepped into Mercedes car and her, Tina and Rachel were bubbling with excitement. Tina, Rachel and Mercedes were talking about something that happened to them on Friday and they couldn't shut up about it.

"What are you guys so happy about?"

"Tina got herself a boyfriend!" Mercedes said and burst into laughter along with Rachel.

"He's not my boyfriend" Tina responded. "He's this really cute guy that I flirted with and he actually did flirt back," she stopped just to smile about it "he asked me out and we're going to the movies on Saturday"

I wasn't really that excited about it but I had to pretend because obviously she was very happy about it.

"That sounds so fun," I forced out a smile "I'm really happy for you"

I'm not saying I wasn't happy for her, I'm just saying things like dates with boys didn't excite me as much as they did to other girls my age.

"What about you Santana?" Mercedes asked when the fuss was over and she started driving.

"What?"

"Don't you have a boyfriend or a crush on someone?" she asked and smiled at me through the mirror.

"No," I said "I don't"

I was sick of that question. My friends kept e-mailing me asking about the cute boys in my school, my mothers questions during dinner on Friday and now Mercedes.

"Do you even look around,?" Tina asked "I've noticed lots of boys staring at you but you never seem to look.." she laughed.

"If you just opened your eyes a bit more" Rachel added.

I didn't answer them. I just didn't feel like talking about it to be honest. All I wanted now was to get home so this horrible Monday would be over. I sat next to Rachel in the backseat while Tina sat in the front next to Mercedes. I looked out the window just to have a moment to think about everything, I really didn't know how I'd tell these people the truth - I wasn't into boys. My family already knew about it but I had totally forgotten that my new friends didn't. Right now didn't seem like the right time to let them know anyway.

We were starting to get closer to my place and I hadn't spoken during the whole ride, neither did Rachel for that matter. Only Tina and Mercedes were talking and I didn't even pay enough attention to understand about what. I told Mercedes where to pull in and before I left I felt my hand touch Rachel's hand that was placed right beside mine on the middle seat. I didn't react to it first but I quickly did when Rachel touched my hand again - on purpose. I looked at her and felt my eyebrows furrow. She didn't say anything nor give me a look that would explain her weird actions.

"See you tomorrow, San"

_San_.That was the first time Mercedes gave me a nickname. For some reason, it made me really happy. It meant she liked me and that I finally could call her a good friend knowing that she thinks of me that way too.

"Yeah," I walked out and lowered my head to the height of the car windows "goodbye guys" I said and shut the door.

Later that same night when I had finished my homework and was ready to jump in bed, I heard my phone beep. Not only once, but twice. I stopped myself from laying in bed and stood up to go get it from my jacket that was hanging on my door. I had been to lazy to get it earlier, I usually keep it by the bed all the time in case someone wants to reach me. I picked the phone out from the jacket and opened the first message. It was an unknown number. I looked at the phone again just to be sure that this had really happened. I didn't know who sent these messages and it was beyond creepy. I opened the first message.

_"do you like me as much as I like you?"_

I wasn't so creeped out by that one, it could be basically anyone. Someone who tries to mess, or some random person from school. The only thing that bothered me is the fact that they got my number, not many people from school had my number. Only Tina, Rachel and Mercedes. That is what made me think a bit, they wouldn't give my number out to someone without telling me about it first and asking me if it's okay. I know they wouldn't. I scrolled down and opened the second message.

_"I've been watching you for so long. Ever since you started this school. I'm just afraid to let you know how much I like you. / B"_


	8. Notebook

I woke up in the middle of the night. It felt like I heard something from outside. I got up and looked out but found nothing but parked cars, an empty way and the wind swaying, making the leaves dance. I felt a bit scared, like someone was watching me. I picked up my phone and it was nothing, it wasn't the phone that made a noise. I left it and convinced myself that I was imagining things. I walked over to the kitchen and poured me a glass of water. I drank the whole glass without any hesitation and walked back to my room. I lied on the bed and immediately fell asleep.

The next morning was rushed and I was ready for school in less than 15 minutes. My mother drove me there and I walked out of the car, waved at her and headed to P.E, where Tina agreed to meet me. Finally, I talked her into always coming to P.E. I didn't really like being there alone. When I reached the locker room and got ready to change my clothes, no one was there. Only then did I realize that Tina decided not to show up anyway. I changed into the clothes I was going to wear and put my bag in the locker and locked it. Two minutes after I was done, the door opened and I hoped it would be Tina but I was wrong. It wasn't her. It was the last person I wanted to see right now, the person who actually made me very uncomfortable at this moment. Brittany. I quickly picked my bottle of water and went to the sink to fill it up. I could hear Brittany moving, unlocking the locker, taking her clothes of and letting out small exhales. It annoyed me so much that she didn't even mention it, she acted like she never actually confessed that she had feelings for me through text last night. I jumped to that conclusion, it _had _to be her. When the water bottle was filled, I took it and walked towards the door.

"Hey"

I turned around to face the person who placed her hand on my shoulder with a raged face.

"What?" I asked.

"Didn't you forget something?" she asked with a smile on her face that was hard to ignore.

"I didn't" I said, turned around and pushed the doorknob down.

"Why are you so stressed?" Brittany said and pulled me back.

"Can you stop touching me?"

"Sorry for trying to bring these back to you," she said and opened the door. She walked out and held the door open for me with my keys pendent on her index finger "catch" she threw the keys my way. "You need to pay more attention to your stuff, don't you?" she smiled as I failed to catch them.

I didn't respond, I nodded shyly out of embarrassment because she was one of around 4 people who watched me make a fool out of myself and drop the keys on the floor like that. However, she walked over to her friends. Quinn and some other girls. They were all staring at me but the only one I noticed was Quinn. The anger inside her showed clearly on her face when she spotted Brittany speaking to me, without being a total bitch. I ignored her hateful look and my eyes wandered around the room. In the left corner of the gym, I found Tina standing pressed into the wall all by herself.

"Tina?" I called as I walked over to her.

"Santana! Why would you do that to me?"

"Do what?" I asked.

"I thought you weren't going to come. I waited for you and you didn't show up. Thank God you're here" she said and hugged me out of nowhere.

I couldn't help but laughing at her hysterical behaviour right now. I had never seen anyone so happy about me showing up to P.E. Her smile was spread across her face and she tied her hair up in a ponytail, looking ready to actually be active this lesson.

"I asked you to show up, didn't I?," I asked her and did the same thing with my hair "that means I'll show up" I smiled and playfully put my arm around her neck, briefly, and we walked to the core of the room.

I was honestly beyond happy that Tina did show up, like she promised. By the looks Quinn threw my way, I could feel she would be a pain in the ass during this lesson. Now that I was with Tina, it would be easier to avoid her somehow.

I walked up to Rachel and Mercedes after biology class to rant about Quinn. I told them about how she refused to work with me on the next lab. The teacher had asked us to pair up with the same person we experimented with last time. And I was supposed to work with Quinn again. I didn't say anything even though I really didn't want that but she, she started a big argument with the teacher and kept it going until she had it her way. At last, the teacher told her she could work with the ginger guy Brittany works with, and I could work with Brittany. That didn't really satisfy her either but she went with it anyway. I can't say I wasn't happy she did that, I'd rather work with Brittany, she's nicer. Yet, although I was happy, it was unnecessary to cause a scene like that. When I was done telling them about it they just looked like nothing happened. I was surprised they didn't react differently, maybe agreeing with me when I said Quinn was acting like a child.

"I don't understand why she's still on your back, but don't expect her to stop. She didn't stop pushing my buttons until I made sure she was suspended for three days" Mercedes proudly smiled.

"How did you do that?" I asked.

"She didn't leave me alone for like three weeks straight, seriously not even once, so I told the principal"

"I don't want to do that" I admitted.

"Why not? She deserves it, doesn't she?," Rachel said "I mean, if someone was on my back like that all the time, I wouldn't take it"

"Yeah right..." Mercedes taunted. "You're the last person to speak, Rachel. We've been going to this school for two years now and Quinn still scares you"

"Look, guys," I said, knowing that Rachel gets really awkward when people mention her situation with Quinn "can we just forget it? I told you because I needed to rant or else I'd go mad"

"Fine," Mercedes sighed "I'd just go to the principals office if I was you, but whatever" she continued and shrugged.

I looked at Rachel who was looking down at the floor beneath her feet, looking like she felt awfully sorry for herself. I didn't say anything yet but I really didn't like seeing her like that. Even though I would never admit it to her, literally, but I was starting to like her. She was a thoughtful friend. We stood up and decided we were going to wait for Tina outside her meeting with the drama club instead. We stood there and nobody spoke for a long time. Everyone was either tired or too annoyed to speak. And I would guess it was the second option. People passed us, boys, girls, teachers.. Basically the normal high school hallway. There were so many couples at this school and all the ones I saw were either kissing in some corner or playfully and very much obvious flirting beside some lockers. Some of them were cute, but the majority of them all just annoyed me. I looked beside me and Rachel was standing with her back leaned to the wall, her face was stared down on the notebook in her hands. It looked like some kind of journal, I didn't bother asking.

"Shouldn't Tina be done by now?" Mercedes asked and finally broke the silence between us.

"I don't know," I peeked into the room and they looked like they were in the middle of a conversation "they look busy"

"The meeting was over ten minutes ago, I think she forgot us" Rachel laughed.

"Obviously" I whined

I looked in once again to find Tina still in that awfully long discussion.

"Can we just go? She'll find us later" I asked them.

"I'm in" Mercedes agreed "Rachel?"

"Yeah, me too"

I was happy they both agreed to go have lunch now, Tina wouldn't have trouble with finding us later anyway. After the short walk to the lunch room, we sat down and began to eat. I on the other hand, wasn't really in the mood for food right now. I couldn't stop thinking about what Brittany sent me last night and how much it affected my view on her. I couldn't be one hundred percent sure that it was her at first, but the moment I saw her in the locker room and noticed the way she was acting, it made it very clear that it was her who sent it.

"Santana..," Rachel smiled and waved her hand in front of my eyes "you're not eating, is something wrong?" she asked and scooched her chair some inches closer to mine.

"I'm fine, I'm just not concentrated on eating anything"

"What's up?" Mercedes asked.

"It's just..," I was unsure, I didn't know if I wanted to tell them about it or not "I got these texts last night"

"And?" Rachel said with her eyes curiously narrowing.

"Forget it, it's nothing"

Both Rachel and Mercedes puffed and leaned their backs on the chairs again, removing their elbows from the table. They shared looks with each other and turned their faces back at mine.

"Santana, we know something is up. You've been acting weird all day," Mercedes said "you can tell us if something is wrong. You can trust us, really"

I couldn't keep it inside me anymore, first because Mercedes was really convincing but then also because it was eating me up alive, from the inside and out. I needed to speak about it, they had to know. I didn't have trust issues when it came to them, not any longer.

"Fine, I'll tell you" I took my phone out from my jacket and pressed on the second message Brittany had sent me. "Read this"

Their eyes were intensely scanning the text until I finally got some reactions. Mercedes put her hand on her mouth and Rachel's eyes widened, they looked like they were in a serious shock.

"Who the hell is B?" Mercedes asked, almost whispering.

"I'm pretty sure that it's Brittany" I said and put the phone back into my jacket.

"Are you sure? Why would she send that?" Rachel questioned.

"I have no idea.."

It was quiet for a while and Rachel picked her notebook out, like she did very often, she started writing stuff in the middle of everything as if nothing else mattered but her stupid notes. She quickly looked up at both me and Mercedes and then wrote again. Mercedes looked her with furrowed eyebrows before rolling her eyes and turning her head back at me.

"What are you writing, Rachel?," I sassed "seriously, I just told you I have a problem and you can't even pretend you care?"

Rachel looked up and closed the notebook and placed it on the table. She looked at Mercedes with hope that she would support her selfish move.

"She's actually right, Rach" Mercedes agreed with me.

"Fine. I'm sorry, Santana" Rachel said and forced out a smile.

"No problem.." I mumbled.

"So, back to the topic," Mercedes reminded "did you answer the text?"

"I didn't"

"You should try calling it" Mercedes pointed out.

"You think? What if she picks up, what would I even say?"

"Confront her, tell her to stop messing with you"

"Really, Mercedes?," Rachel argued "do you really think that's a good idea? To call her? And not enough, even confront her?"

"Why not? She's been a bitch to Santana along with that other little devil for months now" Mercedes answered.

Rachel looked really annoyed, she sat with her arms crossed and looked at her left side. She was beginning to ignore our conversion, she just spaced out and pretended we weren't even there.

"What if she really likes me?" I asked before making my decision.

"Yeah, right" Mercedes laughed.

"No seriously, what if?" I said. This time it caught Rachel's attention. "What do I do then?"

"Nothing, I mean.. What could you even do?" she said now with a serious tone.

"You're right, nothing would ever happen between me and Brittany after all that happened" I said, hoping they would understand what I was saying. By the looks on their faces, I was sure they did get it.

"Yeah.. Um," Mercedes awkwardly smiled "do you.. You know, like girls that way?"

I swallowed a big lump in my throat. I was really nervous. I didn't want them to start avoiding me and everything after I tell them about my sexuality. I collected every piece of strength in my body and a light, almost mute laugh came out.

"Yeah, I do" I finally confessed.

"Okay, I mean, I'm shocked but I'm totally cool with the whole gay thing" Mercedes smiled.

"Me too," Rachel said and her eyes were glued on me. I couldn't tell if she was happy or just very surprised "I have two dads so, I am _more _than just okay with it" she smiled and patted my shoulder.

"But hey, are we calling the number or what?" Mercedes said.

"Sure, I have nothing to lose, right?"

"Not a single thing" she responded.

I picked my phone up again and pressed on the text so I could press on the number that sent it, Brittany's number.

"Are you really going to do that?" Rachel said before I pressed the OK button to call the number.

"Yes"

"I'll be right back"

"Rachel hold up, are you going to miss this?" Mercedes said as Rachel quickly stood up.

"I need to go"

"Where?" I asked.

"Um - I -," she stuttered "I need to go to the bathroom. It's an emergency" she said and rushed out of the lunch room.

"That girl is so complicated sometimes," Mercedes joked "she even forgot her damn notebook" she laughed. "Okay, call it"

I pressed the OK button so the number would be dialed. I pressed the phone on my ear and patiently waited for someone to pick up. After two beeps, the person on the other line picked up.

"Hello?"

Nobody answered, I could hear that someone was there. Still, they didn't say a word. Nothing.

"I can hear you breathing" I tried again.

After that, she hung up.

"They didn't speak?" Mercedes said.

"Not even a word left her mouth" I said.

"Are you really sure that it's Brittany?"

"Of course I am, who else would B be? Honestly.. I can't think of anyone else that would want to mess with me like that"

Mercedes sighed and looked at her watch. We had 10 minutes left to spend until our next lesson started, that meant we had been sitting here for nearly 45 minutes without even eating. Nevertheless, we stood up and picked up our stuff, I took Rachel's notebook with me. She would probably not come back to the lunch room and I'm not even sure she knows she left it.

We didn't see Rachel anywhere for the rest of the day, she didn't pick the phone up when we called her either. I have no idea what her problem was to be honest but she was acting beyond weird, she was being really secretive and suspicious. It felt like she was scared of something but I couldn't figure out what.

After dinner and the 15 minute talk I had with my parents about school and how their plus my day was, I walked over to my room and sat down on the bed. I turned the radio on and pressed play so my own CD with my personal favorites would be shuffled and played, without any commercials. I picked my bag up from the floor, it was thrown against the leg of my bed so it was easy to grab it. I decided to read some pages of the book our English teacher wants us to finish by the end of next week. When I picked it up, I noticed Rachel's notebook was still in my bag. I hadn't seen her, so I didn't have the chance to return it. I considered the thought of reading what she's writing in it all the time, I wanted to see what was more important than a friends problem. I was still insecure though, it could be really personal stuff and I would cross all limits and invade her privacy if I did it. After a minute or maybe two, I decided to read only a little bit of what's in it. I couldn't help myself, it was to easy. I opened it up and sat with crossed legs and leaned the notebook on my thighs. I skipped to the last page and started reading it.

"_She doesn't know." _

I didn't understand that part, I didn't _want_ to understand that part. I felt my eyebrows crease in the middle as I turned some pages back in the notebook. I saw what was written and I got flabbergasted by it. I felt disgusted. She had written "be safe" in around 10 different fonts. After I had stared at the paper in front of me, I noticed that the edge of it was ripped off. I walked up and opened the second drawer of my nightstand and held the note I thought was from Quinn in my hands. I tried to match it to the edge like a missing puzzle piece and it matched. It was the same paper, from _her _notebook.


	9. Confirmed

"Rachel?," I shouted "Rachel!" I pulled her back as she tried to escape.

"What is it?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked.

Her face flushed as I showed her the note. She knew. I kept staring at her face, waiting for her to say something, waiting for her to explain to me why she would do all of this. She didn't say a word, I kept looking at her. I refused to let her go, I needed to know why. Why did she pretend it wasn't her all this time? And why the hell did Quinn say she was the one who gave me the note?

"For gods sake Rachel, why did you do this to me?"

"I- I'm so sorry" her voice cracked and she sat down on the bench. Luckily, no one was anywhere near.

"Sorry?," I stood up in front of her, squeezed the note into a small ball and threw it on the ground by her shoes "do you think that helps? You made a fool out of me"

"I know, I ju-"

"You know what the worst of it is? You told Quinn Fabray," I grumbled "why did she say it was her?"

She looked like she was tearing up but I wasn't sure, I wanted to avoid looking into her eyes. It might just made me even angrier and I didn't want to cause a big scene before knowing about everything first.

"It's complicated, Santana"

"Do you think I give two shits? I deserve to know, why did she say it was her?"

"I asked her to.." she admitted.

I didn't understand any of this, none of it made sense.

"Why?" I asked and looked right into her eyes this time.

"Please, don't get angry. I'm so sorry"

"Rachel, I don't care if you're sorry. I really don't," I jeered "all I want is you to be honest." Rachel didn't even look up this time. "I thought you didn't like Quinn, and now I find out she helps you hide things away from me. Is that why she was acting like a bitch all the time?"

"Not from the start.. She's always mean to people she feels threatned of," she finally started speaking fluently without the sound of crying in her voice, her face straightened away from the baby faced one that made her look like she was ready to cry "but later on, it was jealousy that drove her into the never ending hate for you"

"Jealousy?"

"Yes.. I don't know if you'll understand"

"I will" I demanded.

"I can't tell you"

"You will tell me, Rachel," I said and sat down next to her "it's the least you can do."

I guessed that the only way to get things out of her was to be nice, she was too stubborn to say anything if I was scaring her. She needs to feel sure about the fact that I won't go mad and snap at her. I looked at the small brunette right next to me. I refused to meet her eyes. I turned away the moment she looked at me.

"Santana, it's not easy to say something like this to a person who barely knows you" she sat with her back straight, it was obvious how nervous and uncomfortable she was.

She was right, I barely knew her. I had been friends with her for a pretty long while now but I didn't know much about her, not what kind of music she likes, her interests and just basic things friends are supposed to know about each other. I knew all those things about Mercedes and Tina.

"Making these jokes at my expense was screwed up, the note, then that text. What do you want?" I stood up and glared down at her.

It was hard for me to control my anger, I wasn't used to being the one who gets played with. I'm the one who plays with people. But they managed to turn it around, and now, I'm the victim.

"I can tell you everything, if you promise to not mention any of it to Quinn," she said "please, she would kill me" Rachel begged.

"I won't say a word, trust me" I said.

"Will you sit down? It might take a while..," she looked up at me and her lips were separated from each other as she pulled herself to the edge of the bench "you're lucky you caught me before I called my dad, he'll pick me up today"

"Yeah, really lucky" I sarcastically said.

I sat down next to her, not as close to the edge as she was. It wasn't hard to figure out that she was trying to make it clear that she didn't have any kind of romantic feelings for me by sitting that far away from me.

"You see, it all started that time you and I were introduced to each other, in the bathroom, with Tina" she started. "I felt an instant interest, I thought you were refreshing, not like everyone else in this school. And everyone knows me, I like attention. The fact that you gave me none, it made me want it more.. From you"

I looked at Rachel with my eyes slowly narrowing, I felt my cheeks were getting warmer, I was confused. I was getting calmer though, by the seconds that passed, I tried to find it in myself, and I succeeded. I kept listening to the girl beside me speak, her brown hair looked silky from the sun striking it. Her hands were tied into a ball looking form together, her left hand intertwined with the right one, leaned on her bare knees.

"The reason Quinn began to get even worse when it came to how she treated you.. was because after the day I met you, I lost interest in her.. Or she thought I did." Rachel began to smile at her own sentence, I didn't. "Me and Quinn, we have a history that would take too long to explain. She's just.. Almost as much as I am with her, obsessed with my attention going to her and only her."

With other words, what Rachel was telling me was that they were disgustingly in love. My glare didn't leave her, I kept listening to the words that came out of her mouth until she got to the main point, to the reason that hopefully would prevent me from snapping at her. She sighed before continuing.

"She got really jealous when you and I started hanging out. She even asked me to stop hanging out with you, she got annoyed every time I was even near you. She still does, if she knew about this. I would be dead," she laughed. "But, Santana, I felt so sorry for you when Q and Brittany didn't leave you alone.. I wrote the note because I thought it would make you feel like someone was watching you, caring about you"

"And why the hell would you make me think Quinn was the one who gave it to me? Why did she even do it, if she's so damn obsessed with you only caring about her?"

"Because I asked her to, underneath that hard shell she keeps up, is a sweet girl. Sadly, I'm the only who understands it." Rachel looked around the what looked like an abandoned schoolyard before she looked back at me. "When I told her to pretend she was the one who gave you the note, she got really upset, saying I was too into you and stuff. But I was only being a friend, I felt you needed one," she brushed her hand through her hair "do you get why I did it?"

"So wait, you wanted Quinn to pretend she was the one who gave it to me, so I would think she wanted to be my friend?"

"Yes" she admitted.

"How do you figure that would work if she kept acting like a total moron after it anyway?"

Rachel reacted to my choice of words but didn't comment it. She just sat there, speechless. This whole thing was really just childish, stupid and not even worth discussing. Still, nothing Rachel said made things clear, so I couldn't stop.

"I don't understand. Really. Quinn hates me, or hates me more, because she's jealous?," I asked, Rachel nodded "and you put the note in my locker, and made her pretend it was her?." Rachel nodded, again. I sighed, looking down at my white sneakers. "Brittany had nothing to do with any of this?"

"No, not that I know. Quinn would tell me if Brittany was involved" Rachel said.

"If you felt that sorry for me, how come you didn't just make her stop? It seems like she listens to what you tell her, why couldn't you just ask her to leave me alone?"

"I did," Rachel said "she hasn't done anything to you now, for weeks"

"I thought it was because I kicked her ass so badly" I said.

"It's not, she's very vengeful - a thing like that wouldn't stop her from getting what she wants" Rachel said.

"And now?"

"I can't say she will stop being on your back. It's in her nature to not leave people alone, but don't get her wrong. She does it because she's scared of you, I promise"

I didn't respond, it didn't surprise me. Being mean to people was obviously her way to keep people from getting close to her.

"And the text?" I finally asked, things weren't clear according to it yet.

"It wasn't me, I promise. Neither was it Quinn" she said, I didn't really know if I could trust Rachel.

"Why did you leave then? When we said we were going to call the number?"

"Because, I looked at the clock on the wall and there was 10 minutes left until Quinn's class ended and they would come in anytime. If she saw me with you, I wouldn't hear the end of it." she smiled down at her shoes. "You say you're sure it's Brittany, why did you change your mind?"

"I didn't, I just guessed I could ask you in case you lied about that too." I said.

"Okay.. It's not though. I'll even allow you to look through all my messages on my phone and everything if you don't trust me"

"It's okay, I guess I trust you" I lied, I didn't really trust her. Only now, when it came to the text I did.

"I know this is so much to take in, I told you it was complicated," she looked at me with a smouldering face "I totally understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore." she said, and she was right.

I just remembered the way Quinn told me it was her who gave me the note and I wondered if Rachel knew. I shuddered when the memory of Quinn's tongue brushing against my skin felt came back.

"Do you know what way Quinn told me she was the one who gave me the note?"

"She told me she told you after biology class, in the hallway together with Brittany" Rachel said.

A part of me was happy that Quinn lied to her, I just hoped Rachel would believe me when I told her. I looked at her and at the same time I felt a bit sorry for her, she was so delusional. She was blinded by Quinn's obession with her. And her not so obvious obsession with Quinn.

"She lied to you" I said.

Rachel looked at me for a while before answering my statement.

"Does it really matter? I mean, the important thing for me was that she told you some way" she said.

"I think you'd want to know the way she told me, Rachel"

"Is it that important?"

"I think it is. I mean, it's hard to believe that she randomly walks up to people and does things like that.. Or?"

My tone made her want to know how Quinn told me about it and she looked really interested in hearing what I would say next. She tucked her hands into the pockets of her black skirt and curiously waited.

"First, she pushed me against the wall," I said "and then, she whispered that it was her into my ear while her body was still pressed against mine. And honest to God, I could feel her tongue brush against my skin after she whispered," I stopped to look at how Rachel reacted. Her face was indescribable. "She said something about that she had built an obsession with being on my back all the time, she still didn't push herself away from me, until I finally did"

Rachel stood up, she looked at me and I could see her reaction wasn't what I was hoping for, I pictured her getting really angry and calling Quinn to yell at her and stuff. But no, tears were running down her blushed cheeks. She didn't make any noise, no sobs, the tears were just running. I didn't know something as small as that would make her that sad. I tried to not look at her so she would maybe, _just maybe, _stop shedding tears. It wasn't really my intention to make her cry.

"I'm so stupid thinking someone like Quinn would ever treat me with any kind of dignity at all" she said and left, I didn't even react to her sentence and she was already half way to the parking lot.

"Damn it.." I whispered to myself, wanting to go comfort her but then figured that she would stay here if she wanted comfort from anyone.

The next morning was just dull. Rachel avoided me as much as I avoided her. What had happened the day before made everything so weird between us. And honestly, I didn't care so much. I was still a bit angry at her for doing that to me. Knowing about her and Quinn did made me feel so sorry for her in a way after all, I couldn't even imagine how she felt. Being in love, or liking someone, who isn't loyal. It would kill me. I wouldn't be able to stay with the person after knowing all of that. Maybe Rachel will leave Quinn now, I don't know. All I know is that Quinn will attack me, sometime soon because of it.

The whole time in school I tried to ignore everyone. I felt like I needed some Santana time. Ever since I moved to New York and started school I have been surrounded by new people, all the time, and now even getting texts from someone. Probably Brittany. I couldn't be sure. Not fully. I was never left alone. I needed time to think things through and decide if I really wanted to find out who sent that text. She said it wasn't her, or Quinn. Which _could _be a lie. I decided to believe she was telling the truth. All day Mercedes and Tina tried to talk to me normally but I came up with excuses that would make them let me go without questioning my disappearance.

My room made me think of emptiness. It made me think of everything I've been forced to let go, everything my parents forced me to leave behind. I wasn't like this before, I was tough, tougher than I am now, I was cocky, I was too damn stuck up. Not that I complain about it, I miss it. I miss being the girl who scares everyone she passes in the hallways. Now that spot is taken by no one else but Quinn Fabray and her own personal version of Robin. The only difference now was that they're not heroes.

After moments of silence by myself and soft music playing in the background I heard my phone call and I jumped up to reach it. It was inside my jacket pocket, I picked my jacket up from the floor and took the phone out. The number was unknown. I hesitated a bit before pressing the green colored button - and then pressed it.

"Hello?"

"Santana?" I heard on the other line, an unfamiliar, female voice.

"Who are you?"

After that she hung up. I called the number back but got sent to the "_the number you have dialed has been disconnected, please try again at a later time" _which means the phone had been turned off after our phone call. I tried to remember the voice and recall who it might be but I didn't. I didn't think of anyone who sounded like that. A girly, soft voice. I put the phone down and decided to deal with it tomorrow, I would question every person possible. I was nearly full and ready to burst into pieces of furious organs. I laid my head on the cold pillow and turned my face to the wall, just to stare at nothing. When my body started to sink deeper into sleepiness, even though it was really, really early my phone vibrated. I first decided to ignore it. With all my strength and mind concentrated on not reaching for the phone, I still didn't manage. I opened the text message I had gotten. It was from the same number that had called me. And only now did I notice that this was the same number from before because the conversation from the texts I had gotten days ago from an unknown number were in this conversation. The person who sent this text was the person who sent me the texts from before.

_"Will you meet me if I ask you to?" _she wrote. I was happy now that I was sure that this was a girl. I looked at the text and typed my answer.

_"Not until you tell me who the hell you are."_ I wrote.

It took her some minutes before answering. I patiently waited to see if she even would. After five long minutes, the phone beeped.

_"I'm someone you know. I promise."_

_"How do I know this isn't a prank? I'm not stupid. Goodbye"_ I teased. I have experience when it comes to getting what I want from people, I knew exactly what to write to get some hints.

Again, it took her forever to respond. This time six minutes. I counted.

_"Wait." _was all she wrote first, no more than thirty seconds later another text was recieved to my phone _"I wish you would meet me soon. Today? Please" _

Whoever this person was, was really stubborn. More than that, also foolish, thinking I would actually meet someone if I wasn't sure about who I was going to face. In a world like this, it wasn't the best thing a seventeen year old girl could fall in with.

_"When you tell me who you are, I might. Only maybe."_ I responed.

_"Okay. I will tell you something that might make you sure I'm not a 60 year old pedophile. Besides the fact that you've heard my voice... I know you go to biology class with Mrs. Eddard, you have a green locker kind of close to the lunch room.. Just let me see you. I want to tell you so much. Face to face"_

After that text I was not only creeped out but also sure about the fact that I would meet this girl. Today. She was obviously stalking me, but she was a harmless high school girl. She couldn't be more dangerous than I was. And if this was a sixty year old pedophile, I would have my pepperspray with me. Just in case. Like my dad always says "you never know who you face on these streets".

_"Fine. Creep. Where?" _I answered. I looked at the clock and I would be back before my dads stupid idea of having family time every Thursday night at nine pm. It was only six now.

_"The park under the bridge, the one the buss always drives over to drive through the city, you know which one?" _she wrote.

I did know which one. My mother admired that park for some reason, as if it was something special. She and dad used to take walks there, and it wasn't that far from where I lived. I could ask mom if I was allowed drive her car there. I came up with a lie already.

_"Yeah. 20 minutes?" _I asked.

_"Perfect. I'm waiting." _

I guess that means she's already there. However, I walked to the living room as I threw my jacket on. I watched my mom look at the TV with an amused smile on her face.

"Mom?"

"Where are you going?" she asked, noticing that my jacket was on.

"I'm meeting Mercedes and Tina.. Can I please borrow your car? I'll be careful"

"You know your dad wants you here at nine.."

"I promise I'll be back" I assured her.

"Fine," she sighed "the keys are on the kitchen table." I was happy it didn't take much effort to convince her. For once.

I drove for nearly 16 minutes until I reached a parking lot fairly close to the park. I parked the car and stepped out, locked it and walked towards the green, very crowded place that was probably a two minute walk away from me. When I was there, I looked around, trying to recognize some of the many faces there but I saw none that I actually could say I remember from school. Or anywhere else. I felt a quick poke on my back, I turned around. My eyes widened, as well did my lips, I felt my eyebrows crease and my eyes narrowed just to get a clearer look.

"Surprised..?" she said, a shy smile and rosy cheeks appeared on her pale face.


	10. Cheerleader

I kept my eyes on her. The smile on her face disappeared as she noticed I wasn't as happy as she was. She ran her hand through her blonde hair and everything just felt really weird. Unexpected. A bit scary. Why would this coldhearted bitch want to meet me? She's a great actress, I have to admit. Making her voice sound so.. girly. Her voice is nothing like that. She has more of a mysterious, a bit raspy voice, if that's the right way to describe it.

"Wanna sit down.. Or?" she said and nodded against the bench behind us.

"Um.. yeah." I sat on the brown wooden bench. The sun was striking our eyes and I struggled with looking at her for two reasons, I couldn't stand it and the sun was bothering me.

"I figure you've got a lot to ask" she laughed.

"I figure you have a lot to say," I answered "why am I here, with you?"

"Did you really not know it was me?"

"I had no idea. Knowing your little secret and all.." I teased. I couldn't take this seriously.

"I knew she'd tell you about us" she complained. "It doesn't matter though, she's not the one for me." Everything went quiet again, I had nothing to tell her. She continued "I know you, out of all people, didn't expect to see me here. Right?"

"I did not" I honestly said. I studied her face for a while, I looked for hints and clues in it that would assure me that Quinn was messing with me. I found none. "What about Berry?"

"Who cares? I'm here for _you_ now"

"Oh jeez. You have no heart at all.. I thought _I_ was a bitch, but you, you take the record" I said and looked at the green eyed blonde next to me.

"I like Rachel. I was so damn obsessed with her at one point, seriously, I was crazy attached. Then you stumbled across my eyes. With your nosy, stuck up.. Brave, ways, I couldn't help but start liking you. You're so much like me"

"Oh wow, no matter how flattered I am," I sarcastically said "I still can't do that to Rachel, she's still my friend at heart. Sadly." She looked upset. Her eyes were glued on me, not once did she look away when I spoke, not even one time. "And no offense, Quinn, but you're not my type" I said just to make her feel worse.

"Right, not your type" she laughed and shook her head.

"Seriously, what is this?" I said, with a very serious tone now. "I know Rachel told you to leave me alone, and you did. Thanks.. I guess? But I don't think she meant 'pretend you're in love with her'. It's okay, we're cool now."

"Santana!" she jerked herself of the bench "I'm not messing around. I really, really like you." She was staring right into my eyes, looking down on me. "It will kill Rachel, I'm sad about that, but I care more about getting you exactly where I want you. With me" she furrowed her eyebrows as if she was angry with me.

"How do I know you're being honest?" I asked to pretend I was curious about her. It would make her spill the truth.

"Well, I'm here.. Alone, without Brittany, or anyone else"

"How do I know she or one of your other sidekicks isn't watching from a far, waiting for me to give in?"

"I'm telling you no one is watching us, it's up to you if you choose to believe me." Quinn sat down beside me again, her hand was resting on the empty space between us. I looked at it and her fingers twitched when she noticed I had my eyes on them. I looked up at her and she was looking at me, her eyes wandering through my face, she was scanning it from edge to edge. "It's hard to believe that I would ever start liking someone I from the start wanted to get rid off."

"What can I say, I'm awesome, is it really hard to believe that someone like me isn't easy to like?" I taunted.

"That's a turn off about you, your confidence" she ranted.

"Good."

Nothing was said. I glansed over at Quinn and she looked at me still. It wasn't plausible that someone like her, someone as cruel, rude and plain mean would start liking someone like me, a person who kicked her ass twice, damn it, I even know she knows I can destroy her if I really wanted to. Revenge wasn't hard for me to get when I really craved it.

"I broke up with Rachel. Today in school," she sighed as a smile started to form her lips into a curve "we were sitting in the empty side of the library, and she told me about your meeting with her. And just like that, I ended things." Quinn sounded sad about it in some way, her voice didn't have the proud tone that usually makes everything she says sound like an insult.

"Why'd you break up with her? You two seem.. Perfect for each other" I lied, they didn't. They were way too different.

"She was my first love. I am being brutally honest with you right now, but she was also the one who made me fall out of love with her. I know that sounds stupid. She just began to lose interest, so did I.. I found you, you were so interesting - or more correct, you are interesting."

I believed Quinn now. My inner could really tell when someone was lying to me. I felt in my bones when someone was being dishonest. It was one of my good qualities. Of course, naturally, I mean I'm still human... It didn't always mean it's true just because I feel it. This time though, I really knew she was being honest.

"Okay, Quinn." I looked at her, but avoided eye contact, and her face lightened as if she knew I would say something good. "I appreciate the kindess, or whatever. But I'm not into you, really, I'm sorry" I wasn't really sorry. "After everything you've done, I can't just start liking you. If you treated me like a normal person and not an object from the start, I would maybe like you back. Now though, I can't find it in my heart."

"If I make it up to you? Everything, will you like me then?"

"No." I confirmed.

"Come on, Lopez" she started. "You and I are so much alike, we could run school together, I'd replace Brittany with you anytime"

"Keep Brittany, she's probably the only true friend you'll ever have." I stood up "I should get going.. This was.. something else" I jeered and started walking.

"I'll get you Santana, you will be mine," Quinn demanded "nothing will stop me from making it happen." I looked back from the three steps I had taken towards the car and watched Quinn stand with her arms crossed and a devilish smile drawn on her lips. The ponytail high and her jeans tight on her perfectly shaped thighs, the black leather jacket looked heavy on her upper body and the white crop top showed of her belly button. I looked away, surprised by how good she actually looked without that stupid cheerleading uniform, and headed to the ride again.

The next day I got to school with much confusion still in my head from the day before. I came across Rachel several times, but only Tina said hello. Rachel always looked away. I knew Tina was informed about what had happened between me and Rachel, or Rachel probably lied about it to shield the truth, that's why Tina didn't ask me to join them like she always does. Still though, now that we had become good friends, I didn't need an invatation, I could just start walking with them or sit down beside them. Not today though with all the awkward tension going on between me and Rachel. I still had Mercedes. It was also nice to not hear Berry's jibber jabber all the time.. She could really make a girls ears bleed sometimes. However, it was hard not to befriend her, she was too social to ignore. I met Mercedes before lunch and we started walking together, she asked me a number of times about what had happened, she noticed Rachel didn't come up to us like usual, and she also noticed that Tina didn't talk to us as much as always either.

No matter how hard I tried not to, I kept seeing Quinn around in school. Everywhere. I can't say she was following me or anything, I can say that she wanted me to see her though. Most of the times we came across each other, it was nothing but awkward and uncomfortable eye contact in my case. However, time passed and all the lessons went by like usual. I even got through biology class without Quinn bothering me at all. Or to compare with how it was before, she didn't bother me, she threw looks that made me seriously nauseous. I just couldn't help but feeling that way. Before I had the chance to even leave class, I got called to the coach's office. I had no idea why but I went with it. I knocked on her door and waited patiently for the old rack to open the door for me.

"Sit down" she said and pushed her glasses up her nose.

"Why did you call me here?" I asked, politely. I tried not to sound.. rude.

"Why did I call you here?," she asked "because one of my girls told me you were interested in joining the squad."

_Quinn._

"Um..," I cleared my throat "I'm sorry to disappoint you coach, but I am not interested in joining your cheerleading team at all. It must have been a misunderstanding."

"Why would Quinn tell me you wanted to join the team if you didn't want to?," she looked at me with furious eyes "don't be a coward. Try out."

I knew it. That bitch just couldn't leave it. She _had _to be up to something all the time.

"I don't want to" I demanded and stood up. "Sorry I wasted your time but I need to go home."

"You have the looks for it, Santana," she sounded insecure "or was it Santana..? Who the hell cares, come by tomorrow this time and try out." she commanded. "Now get the hell out of my office."

I went out of her office to avoid being eaten up alive by that troll looking rag. I walked out and stepped into the car with my mother, said the usual hello, answered all her questions with a not so real smile on my lips and continued my own thoughts. The truth is, I was a part of a cheerleading squad back at my old school. And I am really good at it. I just didn't feel like being a part of any social group in school, because of course, automatically, if I nailed the try out and got a spot in the team, I would become one of _them_. And more than that, I would be forced to hang out with Quinn more often. It annoyed me to the raw roots of my body that she lied to her coach about me wanting to join that stupid team. So my plan first was to do the try out and screw it. Then, regardless how much I despised Quinn, I decided not to screw it and actually blow all their minds by showing them how good I am - also, how much better than them I am.

I was there right in time. Wearing sweatpants, jogging shoes, and a comfortable t-shirt, my hair was tied up in a ponytail, I proved to the coach that I was ready. I walked closer to the desk she was sitting behind, with a pen in her hands and a notebook on the table, she nodded at me.

"You ready, Lopez?"

"You'll find out soon, coach" I replied in a very stuck up tone. Her face looked amused, like she already was impressed.

She pressed play on the radio and songs, good to cheerlead to came on.

"I figure you know exactly what to do, with your cockiness."

She stared at me, without even giving me orders she wanted me to start with stunts and tricks. I took some steps back, and just like that I started. I started easy, with a back walkover. I leant back like I was going into a back bend, as my hands touched the ground, I kicked off with my back leg. My legs hung over my head and I landed one leg at a time. I swung my arms in the air and stood straight and proud, preparing for the rest. I did handstands, scales, heel stretches, bow n' arrows and ended with doing a back hand-spring. I put my feet together and my hands to the roof, I swung my arms down and then back up, as they came up I leant back and pushed into my hands. I pushed my hands to the floor and kept my legs together and swung them over my head and onto the floor beneath me. I landed perfectly and stood up straight in front of her. The coach looked at me first with a bored face, I didn't know how to respond to her reaction. After I took some steps closer to her, to maybe say something, she started to slow clap. And a smile showed upon her old face.

"I'm impressed. Not very impressed, but you were good."

"And?" I asked.

"And.. I guess you can join the team. We need someone that'll make the other girls look amazing." She pushed her glasses up her nose and stood up.

It pissed me off that the old witch didn't even sound happy about accepting me to her shitty cheerleading team, as if they were any better than me. I'll show her how I deal with people like her. I show off how good I really am, and when she notices how wrong she was for not even being impressed, she will be sorry.

"You guess? Thanks" I took a deep breath to calm myself. "Don't I get any kind of schedule for when we have practice or anything?"

"I need to print one out for you," she said as she walked with me right behind her, out of the gym "ask your friend, Quinn when the next time we have practice is, and come with her"

"Um..," I cleared my troath "can you just tell me?" I asked.

"Jesus Christ, what's with you kids these days? How hard is it to ask your damn friend, Lopez?" she complained. We reached the school hallway. "We practice on Wednsdays and Fridays, the lesson tomorrow starts 1pm. Don't be late."

She walked really fast, as if she couldn't wait to get away from me.

"Coach!," I called "what about my cheerleading outfit?"

She turned around and sighed.

"Tomorrow, Lopez. Tomorrow!" and she walked away.

After I finished my homework, which I started with a bit too late. It was around 10.30pm. It took me an hour to finish it, math wasn't my favorite subject so it took some time for me to get into it. However, I finished and went straight to bed. I couldn't sleep so I started playing with my phone, some stupid game I got obsessed with the moment I downloaded it. It was honestly not even fun, just very distracting. After a while it got way too silly because I kept losing, so I turned the stupid game off before my phone got thrown into the wall so hard it might make a hole. Just out of nowhere, I started thinking about cheerleading, and how I actually, secretly, was excited about it, it was a big part of my day before I moved here. I just didn't want anyone to know I used to be a cheerleader. Although something inside me was happy about the fact that I would do it now again, I was still angry because Quinn was the one who made it happen. So I decided to send her a text.

"_Hey, creep."_ I clicked send and waited.

_"Didn't expect a text from you."_ Quinn answered.

_"Huh, bet you didn't. How come you told the coach I'm interested?"_

I waited for a while and felt myself getting sleepier.

_"I wanted to mess with you, I hope it annoyed you."_ she finally answered.

_"Sorry to disappoint you, but we're team mates now" _I wrote just to give her something to chew on.

It amused me a lot that it took her nearly 8 minutes to reply, it meant she was either in shock or dead. All her other texts came through in less than one minute.

_"You have no idea how happy that makes me. Can't wait to teach you stunts, newbie."_

Her cockiness was utterly annoying, she needed to slow it down a little before I snapped on her blonde ass.

_"Newbie? I'll surprise you, clown."_ I answered her.

_"I bet you will.."_

My eyelids started feeling like heavy rocks over my eyes, I couldn't wait to shut them and visit my own dreamland. I thought about what I wanted to answer for a while and came up with the perfect thing to say. However, right in the middle of writing back an answer to Quinn, my eyes closed and I fell asleep.


	11. Secrets

I had been a part of the cheerleading squad for two weeks now and everything went like a charm. I was good, I surprised everyone. I also became friends with new people, which was good. The only bad thing about it was that for some reason we had to wear the uniforms everyday, that meant my hair was tied up in a ponytail everyday too and I hated that. Still, I was having a lot of fun. I couldn't deny it. Things started getting better and I can't even believe it, but it was all thanks to Quinn, the person who made it all bad in the first place. Two weeks ago she said she would make up for everything she did if it meant I'll start liking her too - I said no. And I stand by my words. And she really had been standing by her words too, she had been making everything up to me. I hadn't talked to Rachel still since that day.. And I don't think Quinn had either. Every time I saw Rachel, she looked even more miserable. I've tried to talk to her, make her happier because I can be a good friend sometimes but no matter how much effort I put into it, she ignored me. So automatically, I stopped caring. She made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me, so she can have it her way.

I sat with Mercedes during lunch and we ate and laughed about the fact that she still found it weird that _I _was in the same team as Quinn and Brittany.

"Mercedes, let it go!" I laughed "it's not like I'm friends with them."

"Oh but you are!" she laughed even harder.

"Even if I was, why is that so funny?" I smiled.

"Because they made your life a living hell for months, that's why" she said.

"I know," I sighed "but they're not bitching me anymore so I decided to leave it. I don't have any more time and energy to spend on them, you know?"

"I know, I know. I'm just messing with you" Mercedes smiled and took a bite of her food.

For a while we just sat there and ate our food. I was starving. I had to skip breakfast just because I was going to be late, again. I chewed and swallowed and when I was done I checked if Mercedes was too and she wasn't. I guess I ate a bit too fast because my stomach started hurting a little, but it quickly disapperad. I looked over at the door and I saw Quinn and Brittany walk in, as usual, Quinn with her head high and her hands resting on her waist. They immediately found me and Quinn smirked at me, a smirk that vanished two seconds later. They looked around at the tables and put their tiles of food at one of the ones close to the door. Instead of sitting down, they walked over to me and Mercedes.

"Not again.." Mercedes sighed and rolled her eyes. I shrugged.

"Hey, Lopez" Quinn said "whatever your name is" she nodded at Mercedes.

"You know my name" Mercedes said.

"I know, I just don't care. Really." She looked at Brittany and they both smiled "Santana, why are you sitting here?" Quinn asked.

"I'm eating lunch with my friend" I answered.

"You should sit with us, we're a part of one team now," Brittany said "we are your friends."

I looked at their pathetic faces and then back at Mercedes who looked like she was going to burst into laughter any second. I found it funny that just some months ago, I was their worst enemy. Now though, just because we're on the same team, they treat me like I'm a person and not something they play with on their breaks.

"Thanks but no thanks. I prefer sitting here, with Mercedes." I said and turned my back.

Brittany just looked at me, kind of confused and stopped trying to make me join them. This wasn't the first time they tried to make me ditch my friends - or friend, and go with them.

"You fool" Quinn jeered.

"Who's the real fool here?" I turned my face to her again and asked, she knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Don't go there," she furrowed her eyebrows and pointed her index finger right at my face _"don't"._

"Well," I slowly pushed her finger away from in front of my face with my hand and looked right into her eyes with a smile slowly appearing on my lips "I recomend you don't stand in my damn way then" I stood up, nodded at Mercedes who was finished with her food by now, and we walked away from Quinn and Brittany.

"See you at practice!" I heard Brittany shout. I didn't even bother turning back.

Practice was over and we walked into the locker rooms, all sweaty and very much in need of a shower. I took a towel and wiped a bit of sweat that was on my forehead. The coach made us work really hard today, and she was still a bit extra hard on me. I guess it's because I'm still "new". I threw the dirty towel into the basket filled with dirty towels becuase they were school property so they took care of them. I took my bottle out, went and filled it with cold water and walked over to my locker again. Just two lockers away stood Brittany with her bottle in her mouth and a towel around her neck. I drank from my water and put the bottle in my bag. I looked back at Brittany, this time she looked at me too. We had long eye contact until she finally smiled, a warm smile, she drank from her bottle again with a smile still on her lips and her eyes glued on mine and surprisingly, I smiled back. I quickly shook it away and shut my locker and walked out of there. I had no idea what the hell that was, as soon as I thought about what had happened, my whole face blushed and I felt really weird about it.

After practice, I felt really disgusting because I didn't take a shower yet and we still had one lesson to go. The reason I didn't take a shower in school was that I wasn't comfortable with the girls in my team yet. I was too shy to just undress and walk into the shower like the other girls. Happily, I haven't seen Brittany or Quinn naked yet. I wouldn't want to put _that _image in my head. I probably haven't seen them naked because I always walk out of there really fast, before the whole team even is in the locker room yet. Nevertheless, I made sure I put deo on so I wouldn't smell like sweat at least and I walked into spanish class, I looked around for Mercedes and found her sitting by the window with an empty seat beside her, a seat saved for me as always. I sat and five seconds after the teacher started talking.

"Hey." Mercedes whispered.

"Do I smell like sweat to you?" I whispered back and desperately waited for an answer.

"No, you don't" she laughed and shook her head "didn't you shower after practice?"

"No.."

"Jesus Christ, do I even have to guess why?" she said.

"Nope." I assured. She knew why I didn't shower. I just wasn't comfortable.

"Oh well -.."

"Girls!" the teacher, Mrs. Grace, interrupted "I can hear you talking, if you want to continue speaking, you can do it outside class!" she pointed at the door with a furious look drawn upon her face. She had a really short fuse.

"Sorry, it won't happen again" Mercedes apologized and looked back at me, holding herself from laughing out loud.

"Damn, what a bitch" I whispered really quiet this time. Mercedes just smiled as an answer, she didn't want to get into trouble again.

I looked around class and noticed that Quinn, Rachel _and _Brittany weren't in here. They took spanish class with the same teacher I did, Quinn and Brittany. The other teacher had a baby. Why would all of them ditch class? I mean, it was the last lesson, they could at least hold out to this one if they were _that _anxious to get home. After three long and annoying minutes, Rachel walked into class.

"You're late" the teacher noted.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Grace, it won't happen again" she said and glansed quickly at me and Mercedes and then sat down.

It's always the usual 'I'm sorry, it won't happen again' line all students, even I, used to make a teacher shut up. Most of them didn't shut up anyway. All I could think about now was that if Quinn and Brittany walked in right after Berry, I'd be suspicious. Even though I had no right to be, they aren't my friends nor girlfriends so I should mind my own business.. I couldn't though, I'm nosy, I admit it, so other peoples business, especially when it came to those three girls, became something for me to chew on.

Time passed and there was only five minutes left of class. Quinn and Brittany didn't show up. I was both happy and a bit disappointed about it.

"Class dismissed" Mrs. Grace called and everyone jumped up from their seats and rushed out.

"Santana?" I heard, I turned my back and saw the tiny brunette who had been ignoring me for a month in front of me.

"Rachel" I greeted.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked, her hands were in her skirts pockets and she couldn't stand fully still, as if she was nervous.

"Um - yeah, I guess.." I said.

"Can we talk somewhere else, not in the middle of the hallway?"

I looked at Mercedes who stood beside me and nodded at her, she smiled and understood so she walked away. Rachel walked over to one of the benches right by her locker and sat down. She looked at me as I just stood there in front of her with my arms crossed, waiting for her to speak. I didn't want to sit down. I wanted to see what she wanted from me first.

"You don't wanna sit?" she asked. I shook my head to left and then right, she understood that it was a no. "Oh.. Okay. Santana, I know I've been difficult these past few weeks." She looked down at the floor and she was rubbing the fabric of her skirt with her thumb and index finger, it was just another sign of nervosity.

"You really have been damn difficult, Berry"

"That's what I want to talk to you about, I want to apologize for everything."

I looked at her and she started to preen her hair. It's not like she was going everywhere, so I couldn't see why she was doing it. She looked like she was nervous about more than this. Her eyes kept looking behind me to see if someone was coming.

"Go ahead then." I said. I didn't plan on being easy on her, she had no reason to ignore me like that for weeks like _I _was the one who hit on Quinn. "I'm listening."

"Santana, I know that I've been more than mean to you by being so ignorant. I know you probably hate me right now, not only for ignoring you but also the note and everything. To be a little bit fair to myself, you were the one who first said you couldn't be my friend after our talk that day. But I take the bigger blame, I know it was my fault." Rachel paused, took a breathe and continued "I know that you maybe still think I'm behind the texts you got from that number, I really don't know anything about it."

"It's okay." I really didn't feel like telling her it was Quinn. She looked sad enough. "Your apology is accepted, no hard feelings" I sat down beside her now, a smile showed up on her face and her eyes lightened.

"That makes me so happy. You have no idea" she said and opened her arms to invite me for a hug.

"Don't worry about it." I caved in and her chest was tightly pressed against mine. I felt her fingers brush against my neck quickly before we pulled back.

"I can help you if you show me the number, maybe I have it in my phone?" she said, she was being overly helpful.

"It's okay, I don't care about it anymore" I lied, I knew it was Quinn, I just didn't want her to know about it.

"So it wasn't Brittany?" she asked.

"No." I answered.

"Are you really not interested in who it is?" she asked.

"I'm not, let's just leave it" I said and stood up, so did she. "I finally got my moms car to drive alone to school. She's not working today. Isn't that amazing?" I said just to change the subject.

"It is" she laughed, probably at my randomness.

"Yeah, well.. See you later?" I said and looked at her.

"See you later, Santana" she said.

I turned around and started slowly walking towards the main entrance. I turned around just to see if she had been moving and she was just standing there, watching me walk away. I turned my face back to the door some feet away from me. I stopped walking and turned myself so I faced her again.

"Do you need a ride home?" I asked, it felt like my voice echoed in the empty hallway.

"I- I'm supposed to get picked up by my dad" she said.

"Yeah? Okay, see you tomorrow" I smiled and walked away again.

I felt someone walking behind me as I walked towards the door again. It was Rachel, she covered the empty space that was between us and caught up with me and stood next to me. She quietly walked in the same pace as me. As we stepped out of school, I walked towards my car and she walked to the parking lot too. I saw a black car waiting for her there, it was on the left side, my car was parked on the right side.

"Bye, Santana" she said before turning to the left side of the lot.

"Bye, Rachel"

As soon as I got home I jumped into the shower without even saying hi to my mom and dad. I couldn't wait for any longer. I walked in to the bathroom, undressed and walked into the shower. The first drop of water hit my naked skin. I remembered the moment I shared with Brittany back in the locker room. It all seemed to messed up, or maybe I was overthinking? I used to overthink very often. The warm drops formed steam in the shower cabin. I started greasing shampoo all over my body and hair. The smile Brittany gave me kept replaying in my head as I cleaned myself from the disgusting sweat. The hot water was colliding into my skin, it released so much tension. I closed my eyes to prevent getting shampoo in my eyes. I saw Brittany again as my eyes closed. I don't know why I was stuck on that moment. I started to wash the shampoo off, feeling the water sending the foam down my back. _Why the hell am I thinking about Brittany in the shower?_ I carefully rinsed my hair and turned the water off.

I walked to the bed with a towel wirled around my hair. I sat on my bed and began to think about what I wanted to do next. It was friday, none of my friends had plans. It wasn't late either, only 5.30pm. I took my phone out and looked up Mercedes number. I called her and waited for her to pick up.

"Hey San" she answered.

"What are you up to today?" I asked. I noticed I never say hello to her and laughed at myself.

"Nothing, just chilling at home. What about you?"

"I wanna do something, I'm bored." I said.

"We can go out, but like, what the hell would we even do?"

"Catch a movie? Go for dinner? I don't care, I just wanna go out."

"Alright, let me get ready. Give me thirty minutes tops, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll pick you up" I said.

"I can come with my car, I know your mom likes her car too much" Mercedes laughed.

"Fine" I couldn't argue with what she said.

"See you in a bit."

We hung up. I dropped the towel on the floor and took the hairdryer out from my drawer and fixed my hair. I didn't want to go out with wet hair, obviously. I mean, who would go out with wet hair? Especially when the weather was like it was. When I was done, I walked over to my wardrobe and took a light blue shirt, black jeans and put them on really quickly. I checked myself in the mirror and I guess I looked okay. I walked over to the mirror to put my mascara on. When I was done I looked at the clock and not more than ten minutes passed. That gave me twenty spare minutes to kill. I walked out of my room and headed towards the living room where my mother was doing some paper work. I poked her shoulder and she looked up at me.

"Going somewhere?" she smiled.

"I'm going out with Mercedes, thought I'd ask you if it was okay first" I don't even know why I asked her, I knew she would say yes.

"Are you taking the car?" she asked. Of course she would ask about her precious car.

"I was, but then Mercedes offered to pick me up instead. It's your lucky day" I joked.

"Come on, you know I'd let you borrow it anytime you want!." she laughed "I trust you with it now" she smiled and looked back at the paper in front of her.

I walked back to my room and sat on my bed, I took out my phone, I guess I could piss myself off by playing that shitty game again. Just when the game started, I felt my phone vibrate. It was a text.

_"Hey team mate, any plans tonight?" _It was Quinn.

_"Yep. I'm going out with Mercedes."_

_"Oh. How about you come to a party instead?"_ she wrote.

_"No thank you. I already made plans." _

_"Come on, you can bring your friend" _she responded.

I thought about it. I really wanted to do something fun, I just didn't know care what. A party didn't sound so bad, to be honest.

_"What kind of party? Where?" _

_"It's at this college guy's place, Puck, he's throwing a party at his house, he invited me, I can bring whoever I want." _she answered.

College guy? Hell no. I wouldn't wanna be there, I can already imagine what kind of party it would be. Frat boys everywhere, trying to get into the pants of every girl who passes them. Drunk high school girls who are after nothing but that one hot guy every girl in there would kill to spend the night with. Or 20 minutes in the bathroom, whatever a skank prefers.

_"No thank you." _

_"Why? Don't be such a bore, Lopez" _

_"Quit pushing me, Fabray."_

I stopped and looked at the clock, Mercedes should be here in ten minutes.

_"You should really come, it'll be fun to hang out with you. Kinda" _she wrote after two minutes.

_"Nah. Gotta go, clown" _I teased.

_"Beanhead." _Quinn went on.

I laughed at her text and put the phone in my jacket, threw the jacket on and started walking towards the front door.

"I'm leaving!" I shouted and my mother waved at me without even looking up from her work.

I waited on my porch until Mercedes showed up. It was still about five minutes left so I waited patiently. I kicked a little rock away from in front of my feet. I thought about Quinn's offer, both her and Brittany were really trying to get me to be friends with them now. Then, a white car pulled in on the drive way. I waved and walked towards it, opened the door and sat down next to Mercedes in the front seat.

"Damn it, I didn't know it was going to rain" Mercedes said.

"Is it raining?" I asked.

"Yeah, a little," she said and turned the volume down a bit "so, where do we go?" she said as she pulled out from the drive way and to the road.

"I don't know, wherever you want." I remembered that Quinn invited me to that frat party thing so I decided to tell Mercedes about it. "Guess what, Quinn texted me and invited us to this party tonight. Some college guy is holding it. I told her no."

"Why?!" Mercedes nearly yelled at me. I was shocked.

"Because I don't want to go? Why, do you want to?" I shockingly asked.

"Why not? All kids in school go to parties, I mean, are they any better than us? Hell to the no, they're not." Mercedes said, she sounded a bit annoyed.

"I just, really don't want to go there.. But fine, I can text Quinn"

I picked up my phone and got ready to text Quinn, before I did, I looked at where Mercedes was driving and it was into the city.

"Don't do it, Santana. I'd rather not go there if you won't have fun. Plus, I was just ranting, I don't really want to go to a party today" she chuckled.

I was relieved. The last thing I wanted was to go there. I would probably go if the party was at someone from school's house, not some guy from college.

"You sure?" I said, Mercedes nodded.

"Oh I almost forgot, I asked Rachel and Tina to come with us, I hope that's cool?" Mercedes said.

"Of course, me and Rachel talked through the tension between us and I never had a problem with Tina," I said "where are we going? Dinner or movie?"

"Why not both?," Mercedes laughed "let's watch the movie first, and then dinner. Rachel and Tina are probably already waiting outside the cinema."

"Great." I said.

The movie ended and we were all starving. We were debating over if we should get pizza or chineese, and at last, we decided on the damn pizza. I wasn't in the mood for it but I couldn't always have it my way. Not with these girls, three against one didn't work. Not even one of them was on my side, chineese food is so much tastier than pizza but to hell with it, I gave in and went with them.

At the pizza place, I ordered one slice and a soda. I didn't even pay attention to what the others chose but obviously it was pizza, I just didn't care about how many slices they took. We talked and ate for half an hour and everything was really good. None of us wanted to go home yet so we just sat there, talked and laughed without even noticing the people around us. At one point in the middle of our deep discussion, I felt my phone vibrate. We were talking about Mrs. Grace's ex husband who they say was a pedophile, he worked at our school too along with his wife a year ago. I told myself I would pick it up but I forgot and another thirty minutes passed. The pizza place was crowded, maybe because it was friday, people didn't stop walking in. Teenagers, grown ups, old people.. All kinds of ages were seated in this restaurant. Some of them were sitting alone by the counters on the high white chairs with leather seats. Others were sitting on the white couches with red linigs by the window. Most people here came with groups of friends, just like we did. As time kept passing and we had been sitting at the pizza place for an hour and a half now, my phone vibrated in my pocket again. This time I picked it up.

_"Where are you now?" _

_"Don't be such a prude, newbie. Answer." _

Both text messages were sent from Quinn's number which I hadn't even saved as a contact in my phone yet. I tried to keep up with my friends discussion as I typed in my answer but I couldn't really, I lost track and concentrated more on what I wanted to write.

_"I'm at Domino's with my friends. Why?" _I wrote.

Two minutes later, she called me. I didn't know if I was going to pick up but Tina, Rachel and Mercedes were staring at me, probably wondering why the hell I was looking at my phone without picking up.

"Are you going to answer that thing?" Mercedes said, she hated my ringtone. She said it sounded like screaming hyenas. I don't even get why.

"Uh, yeah, yeah." I said. She made it impossible for me to click Quinn's call now, they were all staring at me. "Hello.." I said.

"Santana, what's up?" she said.

"I just told you I'm at Domino's" I jeered.

"Oh, right. Who are you with?" she asked.

"Rachel, Tina and Mercedes" I said.

"Rachel..," she sighed "okay.. Me and Brit wanted to come and hang out with you but we'd rather not spend time with your tranny friends" Quinn laughed on the phone.

"Go to hell." I looked at the three curious girls staring at me and continued "Gotta go."

"Wait!" Quinn said before I hung up "I want to meet you, today."

"No." I grunted. "Bye." I hung up.

"Who was that?" Rachel asked.

"My friend. Where were we?" I said to quickly change the subject.

"You never tell us anything, you're so mysterious" Rachel joked, or it sounded like she did.

We stood out for twenty more minutes of having fun. Or they had fun, my moment got a bit ruined after Quinn's phone call and I hope it wasn't obvious. We took our things and stood up. Thanked the employee that served us and walked out. The moment we walked out, my jaw dropped. Right behind Mercedes car was a black car parked. By the door that was pointed at the pizza places door, stood Quinn. She looked up right when we walked out.

"Did you people plan to sleep in there?" she said, but it was easy to see that her sentence was pointed at me. "I called you twenty minutes ago and you were there then and god knows how many minutes before my call.." she sounded annoyed. I was still shocked. Why did she come here even after I told her I didn't want to see her? And even more messed up, even after I told her I was with _Rachel. _I looked to my left to see what Rachel looked like and her face was clear. She was sad, again. I was pissed off. I didn't like what Quinn was doing at all.

"Quinn, didn't I tell you to leave me alone?"

"You didn't. You said you didn't want to see me, not 'leave me alone'." She walked a step closer to us. "Who says I'm here to see you?" her eyes quickly glanced over at Rachel. And then back at me.

"You _are _here for me! Who else? Mercedes? Tina? Are you here for Rachel? You stupid fuck. I told you to stop, I get it, damn it. You want to make things up for me. You are forgiven, just get the hell out of my face, will you?" I started raising my voice at her. People who passed us were looking our way. I didn't give two shits.

"Am I really though, you know, here for you?" she smirked. She looked amused after my reaction.

"You have no right to do this, it's creepy. You're being a stalker right now." I told her, and I wasn't lying. She was being too annoying for me to shut up about it.

"Are you sure?" she said again.

"Yeah? You're being a hardcore stalker. First you attack me in school, then you text me say-"

"Will you shut your nasty mouth?" she interrupted before I revealed what she told me about how she feels about me.

"Fine. Just leave me alone you asshole." I looked at my friends and Rachel didn't even look like she was here with us, Tina and Mercedes looked back at me with both amazement and what looked like sympathy drawn on their faces. "Let's go" I said and Mercedes unlocked the car.

"Quinn!" I heard a voice, it came from behind us, there was a apartment building right next to Domino's. I turned around and Brittany was walking towards us. "Sorry for being late, my mom wouldn't stop trying to make me go with her to my grandma's place. But I convinced her to let me stay." Brittany said and stood next to Quinn. "What are they doing here?" she asked her, one of her eyebrows raised a bit higher than the other one.

"I met them here by coincidence." Quinn said and looked at me with narrowed eyes. She walked closer to me, her face was a few inches away from my ear "I told you I wasn't here for you, newbie" her hand brushed against my cheek, I could feel Mercedes and the rest glaring at us. "Next time you try to reveal what I told you, I promise it'll be the last time you say another word" Quinn threatened and pulled away with a grin on her face. She looked at Brittany and they walked into the car, closed the doors and drove away. I remained speechless.


	12. Victim

Everything was so unclear to me. I felt like I was being played by three people. I felt like both Quinn and Brittany were still being fake when it came to being my friend, it also felt like Rachel was still hiding something from me. When I talked to Quinn on the phone on Friday, she said her and Brittany wanted to come hang out with me but then when we went out from Domino's, Quinn was there - alone. Does that mean her and Brittany were together while I got the phone call and they pulled a little acting scenario to make it look like Brittany lived there just so Quinn could stalk me, or, was Quinn really telling the truth?

For months I had been thinking that maybe I started to feel better here, maybe I didn't miss my friends anymore. Bullshit. After what happened on Friday, I miss home even more. Just when I thought Quinn started to be nicer, she starts threatening me. Really, it's not like I would say anything, I wouldn't tell everyone that she told me she likes me, something I now started to overthink and I seriously think she was messing with me. On the other hand though, if she really was messing, she wouldn't be so scared of me telling people. So I thought again and figured that she had to be serious about it. Quinn didn't text me since Friday either. Five days had gone, for me, it was much because I was used to getting at least one text from Quinn every day. I thought about texting her once but then I just stopped. I needed to get her out of my life, not invite her in. I was tired of the constant emotions of mixed signals. I mean, she wants to be my friend (at least that's what she says) but she still acts like a total bitch. Obviously, I can act like I total bitch too. It's not a big deal for me, I just didn't want to anymore. Not with Quinn, too much energy, too much power and thoughts were spent on her. I had enough and this time I meant it, I wouldn't say a word to her, I made my desicion. Even if she spoke to me, I would just walk by her or turn my face.

"Rachel, I'm so sorry she's like that. It's going to be okay.." I stroked her back with my hand, I held her head against my chest as she kept crying and crying.

I had been walking across Quinn talking to Rachel in the library, I was looking for Tina and she used to hide right were Quinn and Rachel were talking. It was in the empty corner of the library, no one used to go there. There was never even much people inside our school library, most people didn't prefer being in there. It smelled like old books and dust. I hid behind one of the book shells and tried to listen to them but I couldn't hear much. All I noticed was that Quinn sounded really angry. I wanted to walk closer just to hear them but I didn't want to risk being seen by Quinn. Then when Quinn left, I could hear Rachel crying and I couldn't just stand there watching her.

"I-I.."

"It's okay, it's okay" I held her closer.

"I didn't do anything.." the sound of her voice got even softer because she was crying "she just pulled me in here and to-" her voice cracked "she told me to stop looking so sad all the time, she said I was being selfish.. I don't know why she's being like that."

"Don't cry, Rachel. I know this is hard for you, she's tough to deal with.. I'm here for you, all your friends are here for you. I promise, me, Tina and Mercedes are going to help you get better." I said, Rachel pulled away from my chest and dryed her eyes with her sleeves. Some of the mascara that had been running down her eyes was still there.

"Thank you, Santana. You're such a nice person.. When you want to be" she forced out a laugh. "I didn't get angry with you when I found out it was Quinn who texted and called - I was just really devastated. That's why I ran away, I couldn't stay with you guys because I knew a mental breakdown was coming my way." Rachel sighed loudly and sat down with her back straight. "I was so sad about the fact that it was her because it showed that she was being unfaithful to me. Everything just piled up inside me, that was the last drop.. You know? I couldn't hold everything in. And now, she did this in school.. I didn't mean to cry like this. I'm a mess.." she smiled out of awkwardness.

"Don't worry about it." I smiled. "Let's put everything behind us, both you and I are going to ignore Quinn from now on, deal? No more tears, Berry" I encouraged her.

"Deal" she smiled. Before I even reacted, she hugged me again, a very strong hug. "I'm really happy to have you as a friend" she said softly.

"No problem." I smiled, I patted her back to give her a signal that the hug moment was over. She didn't stop.

Another five seconds pasted and her hug only got tighter. At last, I felt her slowly backing off but her hand was still rested on my shoulder. A coy smile started to show on her lips and her eyes suddenly lost the sad look and they got another sort of watery, they were sort of lightened, she started to look really relaxed. I looked at her and started to get the feeling something bad was going to happen anytime soon. Rachel grasped my hand and pulled me closer to her, I didn't understand what she was doing yet so I was just staring into her eyes. When Rachel started leaning her face closer to mine, I figured out what was going on. I was just too freezed to move or react yet. Then, slowly, she pressed her lips against mine. I saw her shut her eyes as I widened mine and furrowed my eyebrows.

"What the hell!," I shouted and jerked off my chair and her hold "what are you doing? Are you out of your mind, Berry?" I said and backed off her another step, she just sat there, looking very flabbergasted. I quickly, nearly jogged, out of the library.

I couldn't catch a break. For one hour during cheerleading practice, the coach was pushing all my buttons. She was too hard on me, I wasn't the only one who noticed it. She made me work ten times harder than the other ones. Today was the last day I wanted to do that. I was still shaken up about Rachel's move. It was still a shock for me that she kissed me. I was in a way very disgusted by it. I never even thought about kissing Rachel and when she did it I got shocked and my reaction was maybe a bit childish, but I had no other way of expressing that I didn't like the move she pulled. However, practice was over and I went in to the locker room. All the girls were in there except Quinn and Brittany, I guessed they were still out there kissing the coach's ass like they always did. I couldn't wait until I got come to shower today, I was even sweatier than the last time and I couldn't skip a shower if I wanted to make it the rest of the day. It was Wednesday so we had practice before lunch. That means I have a couple more lessons after practice. I waited until all the girls finished and left, around fifteen minutes of waiting, they were all gone. All I waited for now was Quinn and Brittany to show up so I could be sure they wouldn't walk in on me showering. So I waited for another fifteen minutes to see if they would show up. They didn't. If they didn't show up to the locker room thirty minutes after practice was over, it meant they were planning on skipping it.

I undressed and carefully put my clothes in the locker and locked it. I took my shampoo and towel with me. I dropped the towel and just like that, I was naked for the first time in this stupid locker room. It was time I got used to it, I couldn't skip showers here for two more years.. It was just too nasty. I turned the hot water on and enjoyed the drops lightly hitting my skin. I allowed the hot water to sooth my aching muscles, the steam from the shower started to fill up the whole place. It got "foggy". Just as I started to put shampoo in my hair, I thought I heard something. I turned the water off and stopped everything for a second. Everything was quiet, I had probably imagined it. I added more shampoo to my hair and then started to grease the rest of my body in shampoo as well. Once again, I heard something. This time I ignored it and told myself to get my shit together and stop being so paranoid. The irressistable water was warmly raining onto my skin. The shampoo made it silky.

"Knock knock.." I heard. I turned my back and my heart dropped.

She was standing in front me with her unsullied body as naked as mine was. Her blonde hair was fallen on her shoulders and the rest flowed down her back, Her light green eyes punctured mine as they traveled up and down, scanning my body several times. I could barely move. I didn't know what to do. I had never experienced anything like this. No matter how hard it is to believe, Rachel was the first girl who ever kissed me. I couldn't keep calm as I stood there, as I was fully still, the water was still running over my hair, body and face. I could feel the shampoo suds run down my spine. She took another step closer to me, this time, I got scared. I tried to move but I couldn't, my body didn't function. She stood in front of me now, she stood there looking deeply into my eyes, as I did with her, but probably not with the same intention she had. She placed a strand of my hair behind my ear and touched my wet face softly. She stood under the water with me, her body almost pressed against mine.

"I-.. I'm.." I tried to speak but instead of finishing my sentence, I finally found the courage to move and I tried to sneak away, I didn't manage. She pulled me back by my wrist faster than I thought she would. I had never in my whole life felt my heart beat like this. I was nervous.

"Calm down.." she started to gently rub my arm, I could feel the shivers spreading from her touch to the rest of my body.

I didn't know what got into me, I was never like this. I would without doubt beat the living shit of anyone else who did this to me. This was just my body reacting to Quinn, I now learned that Quinn did scare me, even though I didn't want to admit it. Not even to myself. One step closer and her chest pressed against mine. I tried to pull back, it only made things worst, she had full control over me now. I was pushed against the wall, and I was pushed against it by myself. I was on the edge to freaking out and slapping her and running away from there.. I just didn't get through it, I waited for something, I didn't know what. Her hand started to move higher, she brushed her thumb against my watery lips and a smile formed her lips into a half moon looking form. A strand of her wet hair was hanging over her eye.

"Santana, do you know why you're still here?" she whispered. I didn't say anything. "It's because you want this to happen" she continued. I was still, not a word left my mouth.

"Please.. stop" I begged, it was the only words I succeeded to let out.

Her face was only some inches away from mine and the warmth of her breath mixed with the hot steam in the shower made it feel like I was standing in the middle of a fire. Her hands cupped my face. A rush of heat started in my chest, it quickly spread throughout my entire body. My plans on ignoring her were thrown out the window at that moment because I didn't think I'd have to face her like this, ever.

"I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be here with" she whispered into my ear again. I still couldn't believe what was happening.

I could feel Quinn's eyes watching me carefully, from the slight twitch of my lips to the way my shoulders rose and fell as I took a deep breath. She leaned forward very slowly, her hand was brushing more hair out of my face and before I blinked, her lips were on mine. They felt soft and smooth. I hated myself the moment I got kissed by Quinn because I didn't stop. I didn't stop her and I kissed her back for some dumb reason - I think the dumb reason I did kiss her back was because I was afraid of finding out what would happen if I didn't do it. She started moving her lips in circles and I felt a big pile of emotions - I don't know what kind of emotions - swelling in my chest. I didn't know what I felt, I didn't know if it was tingles of fear. There is no word that could describe the feeling. Her breathing was light and silent in my ear as she pulled away from the kiss. She moved her lips to my throat, she began giving me light kisses from my throat to my collarbones. Suddenly, she moved her lips up to my throat again and formed a 'O' with her lips, she pressed them firmly onto my skin without leaving any gasps for the air to escape. I felt her sucking my skin and she did it rougher for every second that passed. I stopped her by slowly backing away. I was secretly hoping she didn't give me a hickey. Her hand was slowly moving lower and lower down my body from where it was first, by my shoulders. She kept leading her hand lower until it reached the core of my body. I felt her fingers slowly feeling me up and that stopped me from seeing colors for a while. I jerked away from her feel and I pressed on the button behind me that would stop the water from running. It felt like I was shaking. My heart was beating really fast, pumping blood in my veins as I started moving my legs to the side so I wouldn't stand in front of her. Just then did it hit me that I was fully undressed. In front of Quinn. Just that moment did react to the fact that I had been used, and like the stupid idiot I was, I didn't do anything about it. I let Quinn use my body, I allowed her to nearly take away the last piece of innocence left of me. I ran out of the shower, grabbed my towel that was hanging on one of the hooks outside the shower and locked myself into the bathroom. I stared into the mirror and spotted a hickey slowly appearing on my throat. It felt like someone knocked the breath out of me. It felt like my heart was skipping way too many beats.

"Santana? What's happening?" I heard along with a knock on the door. I didn't say anything. "I thought you wanted it, otherwise you'd leave right away, right?" she sounded both confused and disappointed. After some moments, she knocked again "Santana, say something.. Don't be such a dork. You begged for this". After that, she gave up and left me alone.

When I got home, I couldn't even fake a smile. It was beyond impossible - I couldn't. My parents tried to speak to me, they asked me what happened, luckily, they didn't see the hickey on my throat. I just said I was okay, that I had a hard day in school, too much stress, I said practice was a pain in the ass, I told them I needed to study. Not all of it was lies, but the main concept for the question 'why do you look so sad?' wasn't in any of the reasons I gave.

I sat on the edge of my bed with my hands resting beside me on each corner of my thighs. I tried to find something in me that would be happy about what happened - I couldn't. I couldn't find anything that made me feel good about it. I was fooling myself from the start to even think that I ever would like what I'd been through. First, Rachel's sudden kiss, and then Quinn abusing me like that. It was too much to handle. Too much for one day. What I felt most of all was confusion.. It was hard for me to understand how Quinn could sink to that level of violation, how _I _let her do it. It still surprised me that Quinn is walking around somewhere, it surprised me that she wasn't sent to the hospital with a broken nose. I was still shaken up and I saw the whole scene replaying in my head every time I closed my eyes. It quickly replaced the image of Brittany smiling at me that used to replay in my mind when I shut my eyes. I heard her voice saying _"You begged for it". _I didn't give her any signs what so ever that said I wanted her to touch me like she did. I felt like every piece of happiness was sucked out of my body and soul.

"Santana? Let me speak to you honey.." I heard my mother. I stood up and walked over to the door before she opened it. "What happened, I can tell something is wrong? We're really worried." she said.

"It's okay mom, really" I tried to smile but failed "I just need some rest. Too much stress ruins you, you know?" I tried to sound sassy, I failed with that as well.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, mom. I'm sure.. Let me rest? Please?" it felt like I was blinking too many times. My mom just nodded at me and left.

I laid down on my bed this time instead of sitting. I looked up at the roof and it felt like every single color in my room was being washed away like paint does when you brush a wet sponge against it. I felt numb, empty, the feeling of nothingness started to creep inside me. I started feeling like I was getting void of all positive emotion. I let the eyelids that started to feel like heavy rocks cover my eyes. I hoped that when I got some rest and eventually went to sleep, I would feel better. I hoped that tomorrow, all of these feelings would be gone.


	13. Brittany

One month ago, I went through hell. Everything I thought was hell before - wasn't. I went through hell for real. I know, some people might think "get over it" and stuff like that. Honestly, I was working on it. Also, I would lie if I said that the only reason I was depressed was because what Quinn did, what she did was only a small piece of the millions of reasons to why I was feeling like depressed. I know Quinn obviously has problems with.. Obsession when it comes to people. I think that's it. I recalled the other time she touched me in a similar way and that was when she lied to me about putting that note in my locker. I would help her, I wanted to help her, it feels like she needs someone to actually care and just ask her what she gets out of doing what she does to people. It's not easy though, not now. I'm still not okay with what happened. I'm afraid that if I get the chance to speak to her - I'll snap. Another thing that made me feel blue was that it sucked to have all these feelings inside, for someone, and you can't let the person in because you're so damn scared of how it might turn out. However, many things changed during just one month. I stopped talking to Rachel, seriously, the girl was too messed up. After the kiss, we only spoke once and even then she was acting really weird. I am like this, if I give you a no sign and you can't accept that I don't want you - I will avoid you. I still hung out around Rachel when I had to, for example when we were with Tina.. But I never sat next to her or spoke to her, and it was only in school. Me and Mercedes didn't go with them whenever Rachel was with Tina. She felt pretty bad about it sometimes but it was still her desicion, I didn't tell her to stop hanging out with Rachel, she chose it for herself after I told her that Rachel and I didn't speak. I didn't tell her why though. The thing that happened with Quinn, there was only one person who knew about it. Not Mercedes, not Tina, not Rachel. The only one who knew about it was Brittany. It wasn't my intention to tell her about it. It all began when I was waiting for practice to start - I had been sitting there for ten minutes without any of the girls or the coach showing up. Then out of nowhere, Brittany showed up with the same confusion I had. This was on the Friday the same week Quinn abused me, so I was still really messed up. When I saw Brittany, I instantly stood up and felt the nervousness take over my body. I mean, it was only natural, I didn't know her so well, all I knew was that she was friends with Quinn. How would I know, maybe they had the same personality? I just got really paranoid and didn't want to be around her alone. She asked me how long I had been waiting outside practice and I could barely answer her without feeling my lips shake. She noticed something was wrong with me. Brittany approached me and asked me what the problem was, I just backed away from her. I didn't notice how weird I was acting until I reached the wall and couldn't take any more steps back. So I sat down on the bench. I looked at her, I gave her a sign that she could sit down beside me. At first, of course, I didn't plan on telling her, it just slipped out in the middle of our conversation on the topic of 'How is Santana doing' which was pretty much what all my friends and family were bugging me about for the past weeks. Nevertheless, I started with the same excuses as always: stress, stress and more stress. She just looked at me, she told me she knew I was lying to her and that she wanted me to know that I could trust her, that she wasn't anything like Quinn. That's when I spoiled it, it felt like it was a opening for me and even though it had only gone one whole day of me shutting up about it, I couldn't keep it in anymore. It was kicking my insides, begging me to release the sentence 'Quinn sexually abused me'. Since that day, me and Brittany reached the phase you're in when you're becoming friends with a person, we came closer to each other by everyday that passed. My relationship with Quinn, whatever the hell our connection was, was over the same day it happened. She didn't talk to me after she noticed how my depression got worse by the days, neither did I speak to her. And neither did I plan on doing so.

I wasn't fully recovered from my depression, of course. Things like that don't happen in a month, it takes time. And it's harder to recover from it because depression wasn't something new for me. I first had it when I had difficulties coming out as a lesbian to my family and my friends. I lost my relationship with my grandma because of it. She was my rock, but that's the past. However, when I came out after I turned fifteen, it slowly started to disappear, the freedom of being able to be and love myself made it easier for me to be happy. I mean, it was gone for the moment, but never was I fully recovered.. It's just something that's always there. Sometimes I notice it a lot, and for months I don't even remember it's an issue I have. But after all the confusion and mind games I've been through here, it came back. And as I said before, it wasn't only because of Quinn. There were other things bugging me, inside my head, and I couldn't control the voices in there anymore.

I took two deep breaths and walked into the locker room for the first time in a month. I took my things out of the locker, deo, three towels and my hairbrush. I looked around and everyone seemed to mind their own business. I walked into the toilet and took my outfit off, I began undressing and I put some water on the towel along with some shampoo. The foam started to show and I began to rub it against my skin until I felt like it was enough. It stinged a little on my thighs, the cuts were still sore from last night. This was the only way I could "shower" in school for a long while. I didn't want people to know what I did to myself. And I wasn't comfortable at all either with being around _her_. When I was done cleaning myself, I took another towel and made that one wet as well - without shampoo - and I started "washing" the shampoo of myself. And finally, the dry towel and dried myself with it. This had to be enough for until I got home and took a real shower. I put my clothes back on, clean underwear and the cheerleading outfit. I took the gym clothes and wirled them into a ball and put them on the toilet seat. I picked up the brush, brushed my hair and then tied it back up in a ponytail. I took the hairbrush, my clothes, the towels and unlocked the door and walked out. I walked to my locker without even looking around. I put the dirty clothes into my bag and the towels in the laundry basket. I put all my stuff in the bag, the bottle, the brush - everything and closed the locker. I turned around and jumped up a little bit.

"Did I scare you?" she laughed.

"Damn it, Brittany," I breathed loudly "you scared the living shit out of me!" I started laughing along with her.

"Sorry.. I couldn't help but noticing you changed in the bathroom?" she asked.

"Yeah, I did." I said and turned away again just to swallow a big lump in my throat without her noticing. I pretended I was fixing stuff in my bag.

"Oh.. Well, sometimes, at home I like to shower in the toilet sink as well. I bring my cat with me."

"That sounds.. Fun" I said as I tried to hold myself from laughing, I failed and burst into laughter.

"I'm glad I made you laugh, but it's true" she smiled.

"Brittany, I don't shower in the sink!" I kept laughing. I hadn't laughed like this for a long, long time.

"What then, didn't you shower?" she asked with a smile glued on her small lips.

"It was more like I washed myself" I answered and sat down to put my shoes on. I heard noices from inside the shower, some girls were still in there. I saw clothes thrown here and there.

"My cat usually washes himself by licking his furr, why don't you do that?" she said, she sounded too serious for me to laugh at this time. I looked at her and waited a while to see if she would smile, that would mean she wasn't serious. After some seconds, a smile appeared on her lips. I let out a small laugh.

"What's your cats name?" I asked when I finished tying my shoelaces.

"His name is Lord Tubbington" she smiled, sounding excited about the fact that I cared enough to ask. "Hey, I just thought about it and I don't have your number" she babbled, she still sounded excited. She handed her phone over to me so I could type my number in.

"That's a really sweet name" I said and stood up. A smile that made my teeth visible showed on my face. "Here's my number," I grabbed the phone and wrote it down "there you go."

"Thank you. I'll give you a text so you can save my number through that. Okay?" she thanked and stood up as well. "We've got Spanish class together soon, right?" Brittany asked.

"Yeah, you do. I hope you're not planning on ditching me for _her _in class, Brittany?" Quinn walked out of the shower.

"That's not what I was saying" Brittany sounded annoyed.

"What are you staring at, Lopez?" she asked and the same disgusting grin as always grew on her face. She stood there with a towel wirled around her naked body and the blonde wet hair was hanging.

I quickly grabbed my bag and faster than the speed of light, I was out of the locker room.

****

"Hey girl, what are you sitting here alone for?" Mercedes asked.

"My phone is dead so I couldn't text you." I asnwered.

"Oh that sucks.. So, you wanna do something today?"

"I really don't feel like going out.." I said.

"Santana.. Come on, you haven't gone out in weeks, not even Fridays. You're the one who always drags me out on Fridays!" she joked and punched me softly on the arm.

"I know, I just have a lot to catch up on. Sorry" I lied. I had almost nothing to do.

"I can tell when someone is lying to me."

"That's my specialty, don't take it away from me" I sarcastically joked and forced out a smile.

"You won't tell me about what's going on with you right? Remember I was there for you even from the start, when you barely wanted to talk to _me,_" she looked at me "I'm not trying to make you say anything you don't want to say, I just ask for you, as a friend, to stop lying to me." Mercedes crossed her arms but her face didn't look angry, she just waited for me to speak.

"I'm really sorry for lying. Things have happened-"

"What happened between you and Rachel again? You had just gotten friends and then I hear you don't talk again. I know you don't want to tell me.. But still" Mercedes cut me off.

"It's really complicated, if she's willing to tell you, fine. Let her. I won't say anything she wouldn't want people to know, alright?" I found myself sounding a bit pissed off this time. "Things happened the same.." I was going to say day, but it would mean I would have to explain that too "Period." I said instead.

"And who caused you to be so..?"

"Depressed? Just say it, will you? I'm not five" I stormed.

"Sorry, I just didn't want to -"

"I get it, no need to explain" I said to save her the trouble.

"Let's go home" she said and finally dropped the subject. The reason I didn't go home earlier was because Mercedes was my ride home today. My mom needed the car all day, she drove into New Jersey in the morning and she would be there all day and have meetings. And my dad was busy as well.

****

Later the same evening, right after dinner. I walked into my room as always. I looked through my DVD's and chose a movie to watch. Some of them were new so I chose something I hadn't seen before. Some chickflick, something that wouldn't make me think of anything but pure comedy. I didn't want anything else than that. I got the popcorn ready and my night was already planned. I would wear my PJ's and watch movies until I fell alseep. That was it. I went to take the popcorn out of the microwave. I put the bowl on my bed and saw a light from my phone. It was a text. I opened it and it was an unknown number.

_"Santana, hey. It's me, Brittany. I remembered I would text you my number but Lord Tubbington threw up and it took me a while to clean it, and then after that I forgot." _

_"Hey, it's okay. I hope your cat is okay" _I replied. It actually made me happy that she texted me.

_"He is now. I gave him chocolate.. but he needs to cut off the calories if he's gonna make the olympic team. He never listens to me." _she answered.

I never thought Brittany was like this, I used to see her as the biggest bitch ever. She was really a nice person and I regret being mean to her, in my own thoughts. Out of nowhere, I remembered when she drove me home in the rain. I smiled and picked up my phone again to answer her.

_"You're making me laugh my pants off. Stop before my parents think I've gone mad!" _I sent as I laughed quietly by myself.

_"What are you doing today then? Wanna hang out? Just the two of us." _Brittany answered, and I know she wrote 'just the two of us' so I wouldn't think Quinn would join us.

_"I'm planning to watch plenty of movies.. I don't know. I'm already in my PJ's" _

_"Come on, Lopez" _

_Come on, Lopez. _Only one person I know used to say that and it was Quinn. Maybe that's why Brittany said it too, she's heard Quinn say it so often.. I guess. It just sent shivers through my whole body, it gave me an uncomfortable feeling.

_"I don't think so. Sorry, maybe some other time"_

_"Next Friday?" _she asked.

Brittany was being really pushy and it made me think. Was she asking me out on a date or what the hell was this? Why would she be so clingy and ask if we could go out next Friday, a friend would probably just reply with a simple 'okay'. I wouldn't want to jump to conclusions though, I'm always overthinking, obviously.

_"Next Friday it is."_ I answered. So basically, I just thanked yes to go on a date with Brittany. Or I think it was a date.

After all the movies and unlimited texts me and Brittany sent to each other. I started to feel tired, three hours of sitting doesn't get you anywhere. It just makes you really sleepy. I walked into the bathroom to do the usual before I went to sleep. Wash my face, brush my teeth and be self destructive.


	14. Numbers

For me, nothing mattered anymore. I didn't feel like caring, I didn't feel like pretending I cared either. I just went with the flow, looked happy sometimes and talked to people I slowly started to push away. I stared at myself for a long time before putting my jeans on. I stared down at my thighs, I saw the fresh marks of scars. Every touch I brushed against them made my fingertips a little red and it felt like burns on my skin. I closed my eyes and pulled up the jeans, I bit my lip to help myself against the pain of my pants rubbing against the new scars. I chose to place them where they weren't visible. On my thighs, no one would see them. My cheerleading skirt was long enough to cover them up in school.

"Honey, are you done?" I heard my dad knock on my door.

"Be out in a second." I said and looked at myself in the mirror again.

"Alright, we're leaving" my dad told my mother and gave her a quick kiss on her forehead.

"Why isn't mom taking me to my appointment?" I asked.

"What's so wrong with me wanting to take you?," he said as he closed the door behind him "I miss spending time with my daughter, you're still my little angel even though you've grown up too fast" he smiled and we walked into the car. I just smiled back.

We drove a while until we reached the clinic. I was going to get my eyes tested, for some reason, my mother woke up one day and said she booked a appointment to me. I asked her why and she said it's because both her parents had glasses, and so does she. She wanted me to get checked before it was too late.

"Santana Lopez?" the old lady came out.

"Here" I said and walked over to her. My dad was waiting in the waiting room.

"Doctor Willis is ready to see you" she said and lead me to the room. I mean, obviously, I knew that. Isn't that why the old thing called me?

"Hello" she smiled and shook my hand. "Sit down right there and we'll get started" he smiled.

He used his tools and things to see my eyes. He put an eyepatch on my right eye and asked me to read something that was hanging on the door. I read all of it perfectly, he put the patch on my left eye now and I did the same thing again. Perfectly. I looked up at him and waited for him to finish writing. This man was freakishly tall.

"How old are you?" he asked me.

"Seventeen" I answered. He wrote it down.

"Great, Santana. You have no problems with your eyes. No worries" he smiled again, he smiled a lot. He patted my back.

Saturdays used to be so much fun before I became like this again. I always had plans, I was never bored. Everything changed so much. I pictured myself going out, to the movies, or just be outside. The image didn't fit my profile right now. The weather was becoming really beautiful. The sun creeped more and more for everyday that came. We reached the end of May and things started to lighten outside - it was only me who became darker. I woke up in the morning and I felt like something was eating me up from the inside. I tried to twitch and turn, I tried to shake it off. It just got worse. Nothing helped.

"Santana.. We are going to see abuela," my mother said as she carefully opened the door and walked in on me sitting silently and empty on my bed "please, come with us."

"Mom, she hates me. Why would she allow me to even enter her house? Don't you remember what she told me?"

I was so annoyed that my grandma lived in New York. I hoped she would stay in Portales, I didn't need another person to think about here too. But, to be fair, she did move here almost one year before me and my parents. I can't remember why she did it - I don't care either.

"Santana, please" my mom begged and sat down beside me.

"Please what? Even if she lets me in, she'll just give me looks and just twit me about it" I said.

"She loves you. Santana, abuela nearly raised you.. You need to forgive each other"

"I don't need to apologize for being myself, mom. She needs to stop hating me for wanting to be who I am. I was born like this, why can't she accept it?" I complained.

"She will accept it, sooner or later" my mom stood up.

"It's been two years." I jeered.

"So you're going to stay alone? We're going to be late.. Why don't you go see some friends or have them come over?" she said.

"I will, I'll hang out with Mercedes" I lied so she wouldn't worry about me being alone. She just smiled and walked out of my room.

I waited for my parents to leave. And when they finally did, I put my radio on and listened to my songs. I just simply laid there, looking up at the white, dull ceiling. Nothing seemed just right. Me - Santana Lopez, sitting at home on a damn Saturday evening - hating myself for things I didn't ask for. I started thinking about things I could do alone, I lost myself in my thoughts and started thinking about death. The freedom of death, or was it really freedom? You don't know until you actually die inside and lose every sign of life. So I would think that if you die, you avoid all of these feelings because when you're really dead and not just own a dead soul - you're actually not a functioning human being. When you're dead, the world stops for you, you don't have these thoughts inside your head, you don't have a mind that keeps screaming - telling you to straighten up, to get your shit together, it doesn't constantly remind you of what you've become. Nothing. So yes, I'd like to think that death was actually freedom in some form.

I sat by the kitchen table with a cup of tea in front of me. I had gotten a call from Mercedes, she asked me if I wanted to join her and go find something to do. She said that she really wanted me to go with her. She joked and said that if I didn't go with her she would have to stand being with Rachel, and she claims she couldn't be around her after what she did. She still doesn't know about the kiss. I think. She just knows that Rachel did something to me. All I could think was that if she thinks this way about Rachel, what in earth's name would she do when she found out what Quinn did? If she ever did find out. However, I told Mercedes I didn't feel like going out. I lied about having a headache, that would make her stop begging me to go with her. And she did. I was left alone.

_"Lord Tubbington says hi" _was what I read when I opened the text I had gotten when I walked into my room again.

_"Say hi back" _I texted and smiled at her sudden text.

_"He asks if you're bored.."_

_"Tell him I am" _

_"Now he asks if you want to go out with him? He's really bored too." _

_"Tell him I can't" _

_"He says please... :(" _

_"Tell him I agreed on next Friday. That'll cheer him up."_

She didn't answer after that. I put the phone on my desk and sat on my bed, slid a CD into the DVD and started watching the movie. Half way in the movie, I recognized I had already watched this film. I sighed loudly at my stupidness. I walked up and stopped the movie to put another one in. An hour and a half had gone since my parents left the house. I picked some movie I hadn't seen yet and right when I put into the DVD player. I heard small knocks on my window, it sounded like a knock from like a little ant or something. I ignored it. I played the movie and right when I was going to get comfortable, the knocks came back again. I looked out and saw Brittany. She was standing outside my house, looking for more tiny harmless rocks to throw on my window.

"Brittany?!" I called when I opened the window. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was on the road so I thought I would pass by.. I thought you would laugh about it. So now I'm doing what people always do in movies instead of knocking."

"Can you explain to me what you're expecting now? And didn't we agree on next Friday!" I laughed.

"I'm expecting that you come down?" she smiled. "What about next Friday?" she kept smiling, pretending like she didn't know we planned on going out. I just ignored her "joke".

"Brittany.." I sighed "I don't feel like going out"

She pouted her lips and frowned. I couldn't stand it. She looked like a sad child who lost their favorite toy. I closed my window and walked downstairs, I opened the front door and she was standing on my porch. Her jeans were light blue, like mine, she was wearing a white top with a blue thin down jacket over it. Her blonde hair was let out of the usual ponytail.

"You're coming out with me?" her face lightened.

"I'm not.." I said.

"Santana!" she pouted again. Her blue eyes were looking like two unique drops from the ocean. They were amazing.

"Sorry Brittany, I'm just not in the mood.."

I looked at her and she just stood there. Her face was facing her shoes, the pale face screamed disappointed. It felt pretty bad to have to do this to her. She drove all the way here - I found it interesting that she remembered where I lived, it was ages ago she drove me home that one time. I leaned on the side of the door with my arms crossed. I waited for her to look up. She looked like she actually did expect more than just a two minute conversation by my front door.

"Hey, Brittany," I said "look, if you want to, you can come in.. I'm home alone, I'm just not in the mood to go out"

"Really?" she smiled now, her thin lips stretched and her teeth showed.

"Sure" I said. I would feel like shit if I didn't let her hang out with me in some way. She came all the way here, it would be rude to send her away. She was being nice to me for a long time, I could at least do this.

We walked into my house and she looked awfully happy to be in it. I was starting to think this was exactly what she was trying to do. I smiled at my own thoughts and looked at her, she was looking around the living room. I pointed up and she nodded. We walked up to my room.

"What a cute room" she said and touched the edge of my bed.

"Thank you." I looked over at my TV and remembered what I was doing before she interrupted me "I was just going to watch a movie before you came."

"What movie? I love scary movies" she said.

"Well, this isn't a scary movie but we can watch one if you want?" I offered.

"Would you change movies for me? No wonder Rachel and the other girls like being your friend so much." she said and sat down on my bed.

I laughed for myself when she mentioned Rachel. This was the first time she was at my place and we were this comfortable with each other, it really brought a bit of happiness in me. I took my box of movies out and placed it in front her. She backed and made herself even more comfortable in my bed. I took a deep breath and sat down next to her. She was looking through the many DVD's and I don't even think she noticed I was sitting next to her. She was too into it.

"You have a lot of movies" she said and picked one out "how about this one?" she held a exorcism movie in front of my eyes. I hated those.

"Yeah.. Why not?" I nervously laughed and swallowed a big lump in my throat. "Last time I watched that movie I nearly died but sure" I smiled and took it from her.

"We don't have to watch it" she said.

"I want to watch it, it's okay" I said and stood up to get popcorn.

"Santana... Um.." she said and looked at me.

"What?"

"You.. hav-" she was talking really slow.

"What is it?" I stressed.

"Your pants"

I looked down at my light blue jeans and found two spots of blood stains. I didn't know how to react, I didn't know how to explain myself.

"Oh, that.. I'm messy when I eat! Let me go change, I'll be right back." I lied, and I hope it wasn't obvious. I walked to my wardrobe and took out a pair of grey sweatpants.

I took my jeans of as soon as I got into the bathroom. I grumbled over my stupid excuse 'I'm messy when I eat'. I placed a piece of wet paper on my bleeding scar and dried it. When it was okay, I took a bandage from the locker and put it on the scar. I looked myself in the mirror and pushed my palms against my forehead, I muttered by myself for being so uncautious. This incident, it ruined my mood. It reminded me of myself and I just felt like shit yet again. I pulled the new pants on and walked back to Brittany, I tried to look as happy as I could. She was just sitting on the same spot she was before with a concerned look on her face.

"Are you okay?" she asked. I guess I failed with the happy look.

"I'm fine. Let's start the movie"

"No.." she got up from the bed. "I'm sorry, I think I need to go home. This was a bad idea, I'm really sorry."

"What? Why?" I was shocked.

"I'm not stupid, okay Santana?" she sounded pissed off over my reaction "I just have to leave, see you around okay?" she said and rushed out of my room.

_"Santana, hey. This is my number.. Sorry for the late text. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for leaving like that.. I don't know if you're sleeping? so um.. yeah. Sorry" _it came from a number I didn't have saved in my phone.

_"You got a new number?" _I texted back.

"_No? This is my number, I've had it since forever. I forgot to text you the other day.. sorry bout that. Are we okay?" _

I dropped my phone on the ground. I didn't understand, it felt like my brain short circuited and needed to be restarted. I felt myself turning pale, I raised my hand to cover my beating heart as I took in the information I had gotten. I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes until I saw nothing but little drops. I tried to sit down but just fell back down on my back, on the bed. I was astonished. Who the hell had I been texting repeatedly for the past week?


	15. Heartache

No more school for Santana. That was my new motto. No. More. School. I hadn't been in school for the past one and a half week. I faked being sick to both my parents and friends. I was doing a hell of a good job. I had gotten calls from Mercedes, once from Tina. I had also gotten texts from Brittany and that Brittany poser. I answered none of the texts. I didn't have time for more games. I had myself to sort out, games took too much time. I hadn't left my bed in a week, basically. I was done.. I felt like everything was useless. It felt like no matter how hard I tried, or how much I fought it - I always turned out to be the victim of something around here. Back home, it was the other way around. I guess that was the right time to start believing in karma. And it really is a bitch.

I tried to go to the kitchen and make myself something to eat but just ended up going back to bed, empty handed. My parents were working so it meant I was home alone for all these days until around 4pm everyday. That's when my mom came home most days. The only positive results I got from staying home was that I hadn't hurt myself in a week - and the negative thing was that I started to think about hurting myself in places people could see because I thought I wouldn't go to school anyway so who the hell cares if they're visible?

Me and Brittany didn't talk ever since she sent me that text, the real Brittany's number. She texted me several times after it, even called me some times, I never answered. When the fake number called or texted, I didn't answer either. I was scared of finding out who would be on the other line - every part of me that could ever trust another human being went away. Every damn part of it. I could barely trust my own mother anymore. However, I felt bad for ignoring Brittany, but it was time I started feeling bad for myself instead. I mean, ever since I moved here, things hadn't gone well, not even one day. There was always something, always someone. So I decided to hide from it all. Faking being sick was my get away from the constant fear, from the constant feeling of being worried. I looked at the clock. One hour left until my mom got home. I looked back at the times and I found myself pressing my face into my pillow. How could I become _this? _I blame New York for all of it. I blame this damn city, I cursed it. I decided to try this sleeping thing I hadn't done in a while. Three hours of sleep per night drives you insane. I should be in a mental instution by now. All these thoughts, the self harming.. It was a lot for me. I looked at the clock on my phone - 3.30pm. I placed it back on the nightstand and turned my face to the fall and closed my eyes. A beep stopped me from falling into that dark place again instead of sleeping, you know, that place inside your mind that makes you think about doing bad things?

_"Hey you.. I know you're still not talking to me.. I wish you did though. But I have nothing to say. I mean.. um.. I don't know. I don't even know if I could call us real friends from the beginning, did we even get there? I don't want to make this text too long.. So feel better. I hope we'll see each other soon. Brittany."_

I had gotten the same type of texts from her every two days during this one and a half week. I didn't feel anything anymore, I expected them to come although I always did the same thing - opened the text, half assed read it - put the phone back where it was.

I shut my eyes again. This time, that dark place attacked me. It reminded me of all the bad things that happened, all the bad things I have done to myself. _Come on, Santana. Go. _It was like whispers in my head. It annoyed me so much, it was breaking my insides, it was making me fall into pieces without noticing it myself until I woke up one day with so much hate inside me for nothing. I sat up on the bed, I looked at the bathroom door, it was right outside my room, it was open. It was inviting me in. Encouraging me. I stood up, straightened my shirt, brushed my hair with my hand. I got a quick feeling of dizziness.

"Where is that damn thing?" I mumbled to myself as I kept looking around the bathroom for the blade.

I opened the locker where I used to keep it, hidden inside my "face creme" keeper. It wasn't in there either. I looked around the bathroom and thought of other places I could keep it but that and under the washing machine was the only two places I kept it. Who the hell could have taken it? My mother? No. My dad? absolutely not. I was utterly disappointed, I was looking forward to create something I could hate myself even more for. I decided to place it on my arm this time, maybe by the wrist. The reason I did this, it wasn't to look at something bloody, it wasn't because it was fun, obviously. The reason I began cutting myself almost two months ago was because the instant thoughts that hit my head as I walked into the locker room, or my room, or school. The thoughts that hit me wherever I went, they became too hard to wrestle. I hoped that feeling physical pain, the pain of something else for a change, would maybe make me get my mind off everything that kept haunting my thoughts. Guess what? It made it worse, because whenever I looked at my scars, I remembered the reason to every each one of them. I see the scene of when it happened in my head. It gave me something new to wrestle in my head. And the reason to why I couldn't stop doing it, was because during the exact moment the blade got pressed against my skin - during the moment the blood slowly starting to drop on the floor in small forms - I actually felt a light swell of happiness in my chest for some quick seconds, because for some seconds, I didn't feel the mental pain.

For twenty minutes I had been sitting inside the kitchen, I went back again for no reason at all. I heard my phone ring, it was in my room. I was just too damn focused on thinking to go get it. Another twenty minutes passed and I saw my moms car pull in on the driveway. I watched her get out of the car, lock it and walk towards the door.

"Hey honey" she said when she walked in, the front door was just outside the kitchen so I was the first thing she saw.

"Hey mom" I answered and stood up.

"How are you feeling? Is it better?"

"I don't know.. I think so" I acted. I opened the fridge and took out a bottle of water.

"I hope so.. You have been missing a lot from school, you need to hurry up and getter better" she jokingly smiled.

"Summerbreak is soon anyway" I said.

"You think I'm going to let you skip school until summerbreak? Oh honey" she sassed.

"Fine, mom. I'll try to get better. It's not in my hands you know?" I said.

"I know, I know, just go get some rest. Do you want me to make you some soup?"

"I'm not hungry, thanks"

"Have you eaten today?" she asked.

"Yeah"

"Santana don't lie to me" she looked right through me.

"Fine make me the soup" I said. Even though I didn't want it, I agreed so she wouldn't keep talking.

"Is that your phone ringing?" she pointed out.

"Oh.. Yeah, I should go answer that" for once I was happy about the phone call. It gave me a reason to leave the kitchen without seeming 'annoyed'.

I walked into my room and put the bottle on my writing desk, which I never use, and walked over to my phone that was thrown on my bed. I didn't make it in time to pick up but I decided to call back. It was "Brittany". The person who pretended to be her for some stupid reason. I was done trying to avoid them. I needed to know who I had been talking to.

"Hello?" I said when they picked up.

"Hey"

I couldn't believe my ears.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"I need you to know something" she said.

"What the hell is it? Why did you pretend to be Brittany?"

"Can I tell you my thing first?" she sounded pissed off by my questions.

"No. It's my turn to talk. Why the hell did you do it and how did you know she took my number?"

"I don't really want to answer any of your questions. You're talking to me like I'm a idiot"

"Well, you are a damn idiot. Stupid fuck" I said.

"Look, Santana, we need to talk"

"We're talking now aren't we?" I said.

"Don't get too stuck up. You're going to regret it" she said.

"I have nothing to lose anymore, you see, I've outgrown your bullshit ways. So tell me what you want and stop dreaming about the fact that I'll ever come see you" I was so angry that moment I swear I felt like meeting her just to kick her ass.

"Please, please Santana.." she started begging.

I stopped talking for a second. I needed to clear my head. I got so angry when I heard her voice, I don't even remember the things I told her.

"Why is it so important that you meet me and tell me what you wanna say?" I asked.

"Because I don't find it okay to say something as personal as what I'm planning, on the phone" she said. We were both calmer now.

"I don't know.. I mean, you're the biggest piece of shit I've ever known, and also the most messed up lying asshole, but I do want to hear what you have to say"

"Does that mean you'll come see me, now? I can't wait any longer" she desperately said.

"It means I'll think about it and call you in a bit" I hung up after that.

For the past month and some week or so, I have been thinking a lot about what I could do to feel better. Obviously, I hated feeling like this. I ruined my body, my mind and my confidence. I had been pushing away feelings I hated myself for feeling and everyday it was eating me up alive. So I decided I would meet her. Why? Becuase there was so much for her to explain. And I don't mean about one of the things, I needed her to explain every single damn thing to me. I know, I shouldn't even trust her. I didn't either, like I said, everything I've been through caused me serious trust issues. She lied about almost everything during the time I've known her. So has her little friend, but I still needed her to tell me about it all. Even if she would lie about that too, I could swallow the lies and pretend it was the truth. I could accept pretty lies to hide the ugly truth. That's what I had become, a coward. After all of what happened, and our phone conversation, I thought maybe if I forgave her, I would feel a tiny little bit better. I've learned from my past and from now that holding a grudge only makes you feel worse - forgiving is what would make me let it go, even though it's hard to forgive someone who is one of the reasons you feel like I was feeling.

I called her up and told her we could meet in an hour, the same spot we met last time. I put on decent clothes that didn't make me look like a homeless person, brushed my hair a little bit. I didn't even bother putting make up on, I wasn't seeing anyone important anyway.

"Mom, can I have the car?"

"What? Where are you going? The soup is nearly ready"

"I'll be hungrier when I get back" I smiled.

"Okay okay, don't be too late" she sounded disappointed but I couldn't do anything about it. I think she was just happy about the fact that I wanted to go out for once in a long time.

I looked around for her until I got tired and sat down on the same bench as the last time. Around me was nothing but old people walking their dogs. I took my phone out and started checking if I had gotten a text from her or anything. I got nothing. Two minutes later, she showed up. Without a hello, or a smile, or anything, she sat down next to me. She looked straight ahead, at the trees and people in front of us. Her hair looked better than usual, it wasn't in a damn ponytail as always. I looked at her, waiting for her to say something. Nothing was said. Her lips were spread, as if she was ready to speak but couldn't let anything out.

"Are you going to sit like this all day or is this going anywhere?" I finally said.

"I'm thinking" she said.

"Couldn't you think before you got here? I don't have all day"

"Do you realize how hard this is for me?" Quinn looked at me.

"Hard for you? Really? Do you want me to feel sorry for you?" I asked.

"I'm just asking for you to have a little sympathy"

"Are you kidding, Quinn? Sympathy? You're a moron"

"Look, Lopez. I-"

"Call me Santana, alright?" I cut her off.

"Okay, _Santana" _she smiled "I don't know how to say this. Last time we were here, I told you how I feel about you.. Then, I got the urge to actually apologize for everything when I heard you and Brittany talk in the locker room. So I texted you from my little sister's number and kinda led you into thinking you were talking to Brittany. So for that, Sorry. It was jealousy." she looked at me. I nodded. "And then.. For, you know.."

"No, I don't know. Tell me" I said even though I knew what she was going to say. "Come on, tell me" I stressed.

"About what happened in the locker room.. What I did. I'm so sorry" she looked down at the floor. She kept shaking her leg and she couldn't stop playing with her hands. She was nervous. "You know, Santana, you're the only person I've ever been this nice too"

"Nice?" I laughed. "Thank you?"

"I'm being nice now, I'm saying sorry for everything, and I really mean it" she looked into my eyes and I felt something starting in my chest.

"Quinn, you made me feel so much worse than I already was feeling, do you know that?"

"I know.."

"You don't. You have no idea." I looked at her, she stopped shaking her leg and her hands were resting on the edge of the bench. "I was already depressed about moving here, you see, I was so damn angry. I lost everything I loved by coming here, I even lost myself, and you made me feel like shit about myself, you made me weak" I spilled my heart out for Quinn. She needed to know everything, and then she would see why I was so upset. "I thought I would get friends here, I mean, I did get some good friends, but I also got two enemies. And I'm not only saying this now but you were worse than Brittany, we both know that. Right?" I saw Quinn nod. "Still, I was already depressed as I said, and then after everything that happened, I just started hating life. I started hating myself. And it's all your fault, Quinn"

I looked at Quinn without turning my face. She furrowed her eyebrows, it was obvious that she was getting sad. I made her feel really bad for what she did, obviously.

"Santana, forgive me. I'm begging you. I like you so much and I just wish you could see that"

_'I like you so much.' _What a moron.

"Come on, Quinn, really? You like me.. You're a joke" I stood up. I couldn't sit down anymore.

"I like you. I do, I've been liking for quite a while and you know that, I've told you.." she said, looking up at me.

"Yeah and I'm stupid for believing you" I heard Quinn sigh behind me as I turned my back and stood facing the other side of the nature.

"I'm _so _sorry.." she said again. I heard her stand up.

"It doesn't matter. What's done is done. Right?" I said, turning back to her again. Her eyes were narrowed, as if she thought I was joking with her.

"You're forgiving me?" she sounded annoyed.

"I'm forgiving you" I said.

"Okay.." This time she said with disappointment in her voice.

"Aren't you supposed to be happy? I'm forgiving you" I raised my eyebrow.

"Yeah, I'm thankful. What about the other thing I said?"

"You said another thing?" I irritated her.

"About the fact that I like you?" she reminded.

"Oh _that," _I said "That, Quinn, is your god damn problem"

"What the hell," she said and took a step closer to me "can you stop the charade? I'm falling for you and this is what you have to say 'it's your god damn problem' what's your problem, you forgave me?"

"Since when does it mean you like a person just because you forgive them?" I stared her down, she shook her head. "That's what I thought"

"I don't want it to be like this between us anymore" she said.

"You started it, suit yourself"

"I'm not going to do anything to you anymore, can we try being friends.. Maybe you'll feel the same about me when you really get to know me?" her words hit me like a slap on the face.

"You think I'm ever going to fall in love with you?" I nearly laughed.

"You don't know how I am, when I'm not.. like that"

"Like what? When you're not a heartless bitch?"

"I guess.."

"Look, Quinn, I have to go. But no hard feelings, really" I assured, it was painful to even say that, but I needed to let go in order to forget all of this "I forgive you, but we will never be friends" I turned around and started walking away, slowly, because I expected her to say something.

"I'll try my best, Santana! I will make it up to you this time, I promise!" she called. As I expected.


	16. Dark cloud

A whole day after my meeting with Quinn, thinking about what she said and all, I decided it's time to get back to school. I noticed how much _I _lost by not going to school. I missed my friends, I missed going out. After nearly two weeks of not being sick and staying in all the time, you get bored. Even though I was still kind of upset about things, I hadn't touched my skin in a harmful way ever since the day I met with Quinn. So I guess that was good. I didn't even find the blade yet either, which was probably only a good thing. When I forgave Quinn, I felt much better. It felt like I had officially let go of everything that was behind me and her and that I could finally focuse on the future - without her in it. I woke up the Monday after the weekend and for once in a very long time, I woke up without being angry about the fact that I woke up. I was going to school not looking like a mess. I didn't want to, everyone didn't have to know how I felt, they could think I was okay again if I only acted like I was. One thing left my shoulders, there was only all the other things to fight and win over. When I got to school on Monday, I went to all lessons without skipping or being late to any - to make up for my lost time. After math, I decided to look for Brittany during my long break. I wanted to tell her we were okay, so she wouldn't keep texting me, telling me she's sorry for something she hasn't done. All I would ask for her to explain was why she left my room when she found the blood stain on my pants. After ten minutes of looking and asking for her, I was told she was outside by one of the girls from the cheerleading team, I think her name was Christine. I went outside and even though it was nearly summer, the wind was cold. It hit my legs and arms, it made my body shiver. I looked around and there she was. Sitting right next to Quinn, discussing. When I started walking towards them, they first didn't notice me but when Quinn looked up, she saw me coming towards them. A smile showed upon her face.

"Hey" she said.

"Brittany, can I talk to you?" I ignored Quinn. She chuckled.

"Um..," Brittany looked up at me and stood up "sure"

"Alone?" I asked, looking at Quinn.

"I'll leave" she said and quickly walked over to one of the benches on the other side. I was surprised she didn't fight back.

"What's up?" Brittany said.

"I just wanted to tell you we're okay.. Sorry for ignoring you before" I looked up.

"I mean.. Did I do something? Was that why you ignored me? Was it because I left your place just like that.. I-" she kept babbling.

"Brittany, calm down" I cut her off and smiled. "It's not because you left, I'll ask you about that soon" I lightly laughed. She smiled back. "I ignored you because I had been texting with someone I thought was you everyday for a whole week.."

"What? Are you serious? Santana, I'm so sorry.. I had no idea, I swear" she raised her hand and placed it on my shoulder, her lips changed from a smile to a little pout.

"It's okay, it's not your fault" I said to save her the sympathy.

"Who was it? Did you find out?"

"I did. We've talked about it already"

"Who was it then?" she asked.

"It's not important" I didn't want to tell her it was Quinn. I didn't know Brittany _that _well and I didn't know how she would react.

"Was it Quinn?" she nearly whispered and lowered her head to my height.

"It doesn't matter, Brittany" I smiled, from that, I was almost sure she knew it was Quinn.

"Alright.." she half smiled back at me and removed her hand from my shoulder.

The sun from behind me was striking her eyes so she narrowed them but yet the clear blue colour was perfectly visible, even with her eyes small. It was distracting. It was hard to look at anything else but her eyes sometimes, not that I wanted to stare into them, it's just really hard not to.

"And now, explain to me why you left like that?"

"I don't feel like explaining" she looked behind me, I looked back and faced Quinn staring at us.

"Brittany, tell me," I demanded "I need to know, was it because of the blood stain?"

"Do you want the truth?"

"Of course" I furrowed my eyebrows.

"It was becuase of the blood" she admitted.

"But I told you it was fo-"

"Don't," she stopped me "I know exactly what it was, Santana. I wanted to believe it was food but then I found something.."

"What?"

"I went into the bathroom, I thought maybe I could calm down and not feel like I did and stay with you. But then it hit me, I started looking through your stuff"

"You did what?" I started to sound really aggressive.

"I guess I don't need to tell you more?" she said.

"You can't look trough other people's stuff like that" I started to raise my voice, but not too much.

"I wanted to protect you from yourself"

I looked down at the floor. What she said made me feel.. Happy, like she really cared about me. I felt like crying out of embarrassment. I didn't want anyone to know, I really didn't because it made me feel like a messed up freak.

"How did you even find it? I hid it really good" I said when I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

"My big sister used to have problems.. And she was as smart as you were with the hiding" Brittany stared right into my eyes for the first time today, my heart sunk to the floor when she told me about her sister. "I know this is weird because we're not really friends, I think, but I get really upset when people hurt themselves like that, I just hope you know I care, and I don't want you to keep doing it"

I looked at Brittany, I was staring. I didn't answer her. I just took one step closer to her, I smiled with all my heart. She smiled back and I opened my arms and hugged her. Her chest was being pressed against mine really hard, I didn't even notice until that moment that I hugged her very tightly. I pulled away and stepped back.

"We _are_ friends, Brittany" I smiled at her.

"We are, aren't we?"

"Yeah" I laughed.

I walked out of the locker room when we finished P.E. I walked right behind Tina and we were talking like normal, as if we never got weird. I hadn't seen Rachel around in school so I was relieved and felt like I could hang out with Tina. Mercedes waited for us right outside the English classroom. We walked towards her and then the three of us made our way to Spanish class, me and Mercedes walked in and Tina went to her lesson.

"Hey, I'm glad you're back"

"Me too" I answered Mercedes as we sat down.

The rest of the lesson went on and we were quiet, we didn't want to get thrown out. The Spanish teacher had serious mood swings all the time. Quinn and Brittany sat in the back like always and we were two rows before them. I tried to avoid looking back at them, I failed once but they didn't catch me looking. I started playing with my pencil, repeatedly and lightly hitting it on the edge of the desk. I just wanted the lesson to end, I know I wasn't the only one. All around the classroom were people shaking their legs, playing with their phones and drawing instead of taking notes. I tried to focus but then instead of actually focusing on the teacher, I drifted away as always. It was just too boring. I also didn't have to listen to her and she knew that so I didn't get why she got angry when I didn't. Probably because it wasn't "fair".

"Class dismissed"

Everyone basically rose from their chairs and ran out of the classroom. So did me and Mercedes.

"Jeez, that woman seriously should work in a prison" Mercedes joked.

''She should be in prison" I corrected her and laughed as well.

Spanish was our last lesson so we started heading to the parking lots. When we got out, I took a look around to see if my mother was here yet and of course, she wasn't. So I walked with Mercedes to her car so she had company at least.

"Do you want a ride home?" she asked me when we reached the black volvo.

"No, it's okay. I promised my mom she could pick me up today"

"Oh, okay. I can wait with you until she gets here if you want to?" Mercedes offered.

"Don't, she'll be here any minute"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, you go and we'll see each other tomorrow" I assured her.

She nodded, smiled and walked into the car, I waved and walked to the usual spot my mom picks me up from. On the left side of the parking lot. I took really slow steps there just to make everything go slower then maybe time would go faster. I stood there with my arms crossed, facing the road and hoping she would be here soon. I was glad the weather was nice so I didn't have to stand outside in the cold. I mean, I could wait inside school but then I would have to check the window all the time and that would just be stressful. Around ten minutes passed and my mom still wasn't in the parking lot. Another ten minutes went by and after I had been standing there for twenty minutes my mom texted me saying she couldn't come get me because she was held up in work. And I was left there, without a ride home. Which meant I had to walk because I really didn't like taking the bus anywhere. I didn't even answer my moms text because I was so angry about it. She had me waiting for that long and she couldn't tell me earlier that I would have to find another way to get home. I would've gone with Mercedes if I had known. I picked up my bag from the floor, threw it on my back and started walking. People were still walking to their cars and stuff so school wasn't empty of course. It was just no one I knew, unfortunately.

"You're not walking home, are you?" I turned around in reaction to her voice and the fact that she stopped me by dragging my arm.

"I am" I said.

"I can drive you.. If you want?"

"It's okay" I started walking again.

She hurried and stood right in front of me to stop me from walking, I moved to the left and she blocked the way, I moved to the right and she did the same thing. So I stopped and looked at Quinn's face just to hear her lame speech so I could get home sometime today.

"Let me drive you" she said with a serious voice.

"I said it's okay, can you let me go?"

"Santana, I told you I was going to make it up to you" she started to look angry.

I looked at her face and she seemed to really follow her words and promises this time. And I was still determined on following mine, I didn't want anything to do with her. It was just really hard in my position. It really was.

"I don't want you to drive me home, please stop being such an ass licker"

"I'm just trying to be nice, Santana, I told you I was going to be better" she was so annoyed I could hear the frustration in her voice.

"And I told you we will never be friends" I said and pushed her aside and started walking. I heard her sigh behind me but I didn't look back.

"Santana" she held my arm again, right under the elbow.

"Will you stop?" I jerked myself of her grip.

"I don't want us to be enemies any longer"

"You've made that very clear, we're not enemies, Quinn," I said "we're just not friends"

"I hate this, I hate that I like you so much" she angrily mumbled, turned around and walked away to her car.

I watched her walk away for a long while until I started walking home again. Something inside me felt sorry for her after what she said, but I shook it off and covered the pity by remembering how she treated me before she "changed" towards me.

When I finally got home, no one was in. My dad was at work and so was my mom. This time instead of walking to my room, I went to the living room. I sat on the couch and turned the TV on. After I had been staring at the screen for a while, I got lost in my own thoughts again. It was hard for me to stop thinking about Quinn these days, about everything she told me. A part of me wanted to tell her I'll be her friend, only to save her all the trouble of trying to be super nice to me. Then again, another part hated her more and more for each second that pasted - not only for what she did to me but also because she was really hard for me to hate. And from my strong hate grew some kind of liking towards her. A liking I had been pushing away for a really long time, a feeling I didn't allow to even enter my soul and my mind. It was something I kept on the outside, something that kept knocking and begging me to let in. This liking though, it wasn't something that lightened my days and made them brighter, this liking could be compared to a dark cloud. Whenever I felt it approaching me, I got distracted, cold.. I got helplessly pushed down to the ground. Quinn was that dark cloud to me.


	17. Mixed

Weeks passed and after a while Quinn stopped trying so hard. She just left me alone, looked at me a lot, but didn't speak to me. Brittany on the other hand had been speaking to me now and then. We even hung out outside school three times, I think. Not alone though, she always came along with me and Mercedes. I wanted to ask Brittany if Quinn had asked about me, a part of me was really worried that she had stopped caring about me ignoring her. And I didn't understand why.. I thought I would be happier than ever that she started leaving me alone. I guess I was just too used to being followed around by her, and too used to hearing her voice every day. It was just something I adjusted to, something I expected to happen in my weekday.

While me, Brittany and Mercedes were on our way home, we sat inside the car as Mercedes drove us home. I was in the front beside Mercedes and Brittany was in the back. We had been shopping for a dress for Mercedes, she had a wedding to go this weekend and she wanted company to look for a good looking one. After a couple of hours, we found it, the perfect dress. First, Brittany wouldn't come with us of course but she had texted me the night before, asking if I wanted to hang out the day after so instead of turning her down I just invited her to tag along with us. However, the drive home wasn't too long, around a twenty minute ride. I kept thinking of a way to bring Quinn up and not sound interested in her at all, but that wouldn't work. I mean, if I mention her, they'd understand. So I decided not to care and just go for it. Really, who cares what they think.

"Hey, Brittany?" I said, looking back at her.

"Yeah?" she turned her face from looking out the window, to me.

"Can I ask you something?" I noticed that what I said caught Mercedes attention.

"Sure" Brittany said.

"Do you still, you know, hang out with Quinn? I mean, outside school..," I asked, both Brittany and Mercedes looked weirdly at me "I'm just wondering because you're hanging out with us, wouldn't she have a big problem with that..?" I tried to save myself from looking like an idiot.

"We do hang out, sometimes, yeah" she said. "And no, she doesn't care anymore" Brittany added and I felt like someone grabbed my heart and squeezed it.

"O-oh.." I said "I guess that's good"

When we reached Brittany's place and she was going to step out, she stopped and looked at me for a moment. I didn't really get her point but then she asked me if I could step out with her. She wanted to ask me something. I could feel the nervosity grow in my chest. She walked out of the car and I opened the door to do the same thing.

"What the hell is going on.." Mercedes mumbled to herself, but yet looking at me.

I walked over to where Brittany was standing, right by the apartment building. She was standing there and I tried to see if she looked angry or anything but she didn't. Her face was neutral.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Look, Santana.. Are you okay?" she started.

"Yeah.. Why?"

Brittany looked nervous, as if she was going to tell me about someone's death or something. I didn't understand where she was going with it all. I stood there and waited for her to answer but she didn't say anything. I started to get bored of just standing there, and also, it was rude to make Mercedes wait too long. At last, her mouth started to open and she was going to say something but she stopped herself, I gave her a furrowed look and tried to make her speak without saying anything myself.

"I just, I think you miss her" she finally spoke.

"You think I miss who?" I asked.

"Quinn.." she said, she was looking down on the ground beneath her shoes. Her face didn't look too happy.

"Why would you think that?" I asked, I started to get even more nervous and it was getting harder for me to cover it.

"I know she stopped going after you and stuff, she told me she's over it and whenever I see you in school or hang out with you, it feels like you're looking for her" she looked up at me and her eyes were serious, I couldn't see a hint of a happiness in them right that moment.

"You're wrong, Brittany," I lied "it's nothing like that, really"

"Are you sure? I get worried sometimes, Santana" Brittany said and looked at me, this time a smile slowly started to grow.

"Don't worry about me" I assured her. "I'll be fine, okay?"

"It's just that I always want all my friends to be happy, because when they're sad it makes me sad too" her face changed from that serious look now to a happier one.

"Brittany, if you care about people too much, and try to take care of everyone, you'll forget about yourself at last.. Don't forget that" I said, Brittany nodded with a smile glued on her thin lips. "See you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Okay" she gave me a quick hug and walked towards the building, once, she turned around and waved before she reached the door.

I was up all night thinking about ways I could forget about Quinn. Then I realized that even thinking about that clarified that I did miss her. I really did and I had no idea why. Maybe it was because she was right, because we were so much alike in many ways? Or maybe it was that other thing I had been pushing away that made me miss her. I couldn't find words that would explain this, not even I understood what was going on. It was too much for me to focus on. It made me feel like I was failing again, but this time what I was failing was keeping my own promise - that I would stay away from Quinn. I managed for a couple of weeks, but every single day I looked for her, discreetly. And everyday a part of me hoped she would just come up to me and start saying stuff so I could ignore her again. It didn't happen. Brittany was right, I had been right all along, Quinn stopped caring about me. She just simply gave up, and I hated it. I really hated it. I decided that I would just let it go, that I would let my feelings in and that I would stop this hating Quinn bullshit. I decided it was time that I started to allow myself to feel better. About everything. If I had to, I would see a psychologist. Only if I had to, though. I would try to deal with it by myself first. I mean, I had stopped with the cutting, thanks to Brittany. I had forgiven Quinn, now I only had to deal with the other confused, mixed and angry feelings I had in a good and healthy way. However, about Quinn, I would try to talk to her. Maybe even be her friend. I would not only because I wanted to but also because we were on the same team and I couldn't skip anymore cheering lessons, the coach threatened to kick me off the team if I kept skipping practice. So I would fix that as well.

The next morning I woke up after only four hours sleep. I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for school. I brushed my hair, tied it up into a ponytail and brushed my teeth. I put my skirt on and noticed that, finally, it wouldn't twinge when I pulled tight jeans up on my thighs, the scars were still there, but they weren't sore. I put the top on as well and walked over to the living room. I told my mom I was ready and she dropped me off at school on her way to work, like always. I walked into school and straight to my locker. I opened it up, took out my biology books and went straight to the classroom. I waited outside along with some other students, the lesson would start in ten minutes. I put my books on the bench and sat down beside them. I kept staring at the clock and practically counted the seconds, I was so anxious I just wanted to get in and get the lesson over with. I knew I would meet Quinn there so I decided to talk to her after the lesson. That's why I was so stressed out. And it messed with me that I was. It honestly did. I was never nervous, almost, only when it was something serious. But come on, I was going to talk to Quinn? I had nothing to be nervous about.. I think. Still, yet I was. Two minutes passed and eight minutes remained, more and more people started to show. Then, finally, Quinn and Brittany. Brittany waved at me as they walked by, and I waved back. Quinn just stared at me like always. I started thinking and I had seven minutes left, in seven minutes, I could talk to Quinn, that way I would get it over with and just not have to think about it during class. I grabbed my books and stood up. I looked over at them, they were sitting on the bench on the left side of the door, I gathered all the courage I could and walked over to them.

"Quinn..?" I said. Without a hello or hi or anything. Brittany was the one who looked up, not Quinn.

"Quinn, she's talking to you.." Brittany tried to whisper but noticed I could hear her anyway so she raised her voice.

"What do you want?" she said, not even looking up.

"I need to talk to you"

"Talk"

"Really, Quinn?" I said.

"Yeah, really _Santana"_

Brittany noticed the tension so she got up and stood with some of the other girls from the cheerleading team right on the other side of the door.

"Why are you mad at me?" I asked and sat down next to her. Surprisingly, I wasn't even nervous anymore.

"Do I have any reasons not to be mad?" she said.

"You have no reasons at all to be mad, not even one" I answered.

"Let's see," she let out a sarcastic laugh "I tell you I like you, I get ignored. I tell you I want to be friends, I get ignored. You tell me I'm forgiven, I still get ignored. Now tell me, are those not reasons for someone to have the right to be upset?"

"I guess you're right, but it's still nothing I can do about it, it is like that now, Quinn"

"Then what the hell are you doing here talking to me?" she asked, her eyes were staring right into mine and I found it hard to find an answer, because I had no idea what to say.

"I.. I don't know" I answered.

"I left you alone, isn't that what you want?" she was so annoyed I was afraid she would cause a uncalled for scene.

"It was"

"Was? Define 'was' Santana, I want to know what the hell your point is with all of this because you're so confusing"

"I don't know" I said again.

"What the hell do you know then?"

"Just forget it" I jeered when I saw the teacher coming. I stood up and walked over to the classroom door so I could just sit down and get calmer.

I sat in my usual spot, with the usual ginger next to me. We were supposed to sit with our lab partners during all biology classes, which for me would be Quinn. But no one cared about it anymore so we just sat wherever we wanted. I kept thinking about how rude Quinn had been, and how insensitive she had been when I tried to talk to her. Yeah, okay, maybe I didn't really know what I wanted to tell her - I didn't know what was _left _to tell her. All I knew was that I wanted to talk to her.. Now that she didn't want to talk to me. It made me feel really annoyed and the anger just boiled inside me like hot lava, ready to burst out of my chest any minute. I didn't expect that she would be mad, she really had no right. My reasons to ignore her were relevant, they were real reasons, her wasn't. It was just bullshit, stuff she said to make it sound like she was the victim. And I was so fed up with that. I just wanted her to talk to me again. And, I needed to think about why I wanted that for a long time before actually getting it. This feeling, this liking I had towards her.. It was like some kind of obsession, she had drawn me into her and for some weird reason, I wanted to keep it that way. I wanted to keep that psycho bitch obsessed with me as much as I wanted to keep my obsession with her. The only problem was that I didn't want people to notice that I actually wanted Quinn close. I wanted it to stay a secret, my own secret.

"Santana, what's the answer to the question I just asked?" the teacher interrupted, knowing I didn't even know what the question was.

"I.. Don't know"

"You didn't listen to me?" she acted surprised.

"No" I admitted. I heard soft chuckles around class.

She just sighed and gave me a look, then went back to teaching the class for the next fifteen minutes, until the lesson was over. That just added one more reason to be pissed off to my list.

"Class dismissed" she called and everyone left the classroom.

Truth is, I had been feeling Quinn burning under my skin for a really long time. I was just too much of a coward to admit it to myself. I was too much of a coward to admit that _she _was the one of to the biggest reason to why I hated school but at the same time loved going there.

"Santana! Hey!" I heard and turned around as I was walking towards the locker, it was Tina.. And Rachel.

"Hey" I said and awkwardly just stood there.

"Where are you going?"

"My locker" I answered, my eyes quickly glanced at Rachel, as hers did the same at me.

"Oh, do you want company?" Tina happily asked. I was so pissed off already and her ignorance annoyed me even more, she knew I didn't want to be around Rachel but yet she tried to come after me.

"No, I'll meet up with Mercedes soon" I lied.

"Can't you guys hang out with us?" she asked.

I looked at Tina, in my head, I was choking her to death, but in the moment, I had no other choice than to say yes. She knew exactly what she was doing and it was really messed up, it wasn't right to force me into hanging out with Rachel. But Tina had been cool to right from the start and it would be wrong of me to just ditch her all the time because I didn't want to hang out with her good friend. So I had to put up with it sometimes.

"Fine" I grumbled.

We walked towards my locker together, Tina and Rachel talked and I walked some steps before them. When we reached the locker, I put the biology books in and locked it. I took out my phone to text Mercedes, she answered quickly and said she would meet me after my cheerleading practice. She said she would be late to school because of a doctors appointment she had in the morning. I took my bag, and prayed that time would just go faster so these thirty minutes I was going to spend with Tina and Rachel would be over with. We sat down outside in the benches by the schoolyard. It was hot outside so I decided to go out, and of course, they followed me. The real reason to why I chose to go out was because there was a bigger chance for me to see Quinn there. She was in the schoolyard more than she was inside school.

"So how do you feel being in the cheerleading team? I never asked you about it, I always thought you were the last one who would join" Tina said.

"Yeah I know, I used to cheer back where I used to live too, it's nothing new" both Tina and Rachel looked shocked when I said that.

"_You_ used to cheerlead?" Tina sneered.

"Yeah, _I _used to be a cheerleader, and I am one now too. Is it really such a big deal?"

"No, no" Tina shook her head.

"Where's Mercedes? You said you were going to meet her.."

"Yeah, she called me and said she had an doctors appointment so she would be late" I lied again, I texted her, she didn't call me.

"Oh I guess you're lucky you found us then" Tina smiled.

"So lucky" I smiled back, hoping they wouldn't get the sarcasm.

I sat down in silence for some long minutes while Tina and Rachel talked for themselves. I looked around and spotted Quinn alone for once. It made me wonder where Brittany was. However, I saw her walk towards the back of school, where people usually didn't hang. It was just big containers where they dump the school's paper left overs, cardboards and boxes. I squinted in curiosity and stood up, fixed my skirt and pulled the bag over my back.

"I'll go get ready for practice, yeah?" I fooled them.

"Already? Isn't it twenty minutes left?"

"I need to stretch" I just babbled the first thing that got in my head.

"I understand, see you later" Tina smiled, stood up and walked to the school entrance again, I guess they didn't want to be outside after all.

I waited for them to get in so they would see that I wasn't walking towards the football court. When they were in, I sneaked after Quinn. She had already gone behind school now, so I couldn't see her. I took quick steps over there. When I reached the first corner, I slowly peaked over and saw her standing there, leaning on the fence. I couldn't quite see what she was doing. I leaned my head back on the wall and peaked again, this time I saw she was holding something in her right arm, I couldn't see clearly, I was facing the left arm. I tried to figure out if I wanted to go to her and try to.. Discuss about whatever, I didn't know, I would let her do the talking. But, if I did that she would know I followed her and she would get too stuck up about it, I figured. I peaked for the third time and this time I saw exactly what she was doing. I walked away from the corner and walked over to her, she looked up and then looked down at the cigarette in her hand, then back up at me. Her face was priceless.

"Enjoying the smoke, Quinn?" I taunted.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she attacked.

"I followed you" I admitted, whatever lie I would tell her would sound stupid and she would know it was all lies.

"Who gave you the right to follow me?" she asked, surprisingly, very calmly.

"No one. I just did"

"Why?" she said, raised her right hand, put the cigarette between her lips and blew in the smoke, puffed out and let the smoke surround my face.

"Because," I waved my hand in front of my face to make the smoke disappear faster, I wasn't fan of the smell. Quinn narrowed her eyes, waiting for an answer "because.." I didn't know what to say, I had no logical explanation to why I followed her.

"You don't know _again_, I suppose?" she took another puff.

"I was curious" I admitted.

"About?"

"You were alone for once, and I saw you walk over here.. I know it's not exactly the hot spot in the schoolyard" I started to sound confident.

"Smart" she sniffed, as if she had a cold. She flickered the half smoked cigarette on the ground, ashed it and threw it right between me and her and stepped on it once with her foot.

"I didn't know you smoked"

"Yeah, no one does.. I hope you feel special" she snorted.

"How come I'm the first one who follows you out here, doesn't Brittany get curious too?"

"I always tell her not to come after me"

"And she doesn't?" I wondered.

"No," Quinn tightened her ponytail "she's a good friend, she respects you if you ask her to do something"

"Okay.. And I assume everyone else who doesn't follow you is scared, huh?" I said.

"I hope so"

I started to think about what I wanted to say next, just to keep the conversation going. I didn't come up with anything even worth saying, I couldn't shake the feeling off - this was so unexpected of me to do, and just plain weird. I didn't want to bring old stuff up and I also didn't want to remind myself of my promise that I would stay away from Quinn, the one promise I made that I couldn't keep for a long time. I felt Quinn staring at me as I looked down at my shoes. I looked up and her eyes were still glued on my face. I tried to look away, I thought she might stop.. She didn't. I looked back at her, her eyes wandered around my whole face, they went from my eyes to my lips at least five times, from my nose to my cheeks up to my forehead and down to my chin.

"Are you looking for something?" I jokingly asked.

"A flaw"

"A flaw?" I wondered.

"Yes" she pushed herself of the fence and grabbed her bag from the floor, it was right next to her, and she walked away.


	18. Anticipation

I walked after Quinn and pulled her back. She stood there, her eyebrows started to crease in the middle, I didn't get if she was really pissed of at me pulling her back or if she was just shocked.

"What do you mean with flaw?"

"You're so stupid sometimes"

"Yeah, okay. Explain" I demanded.

"No" she teased.

"Come on," I said "just tell me"

"You really don't get it?" she asked.

"I don't"

Truth is, I think I understood exactly what Quinn was saying. She was trying to find a flaw in my face because she found it.. Flawless? I believe that was it, I just needed her to say it for me to actually believe it. Becuase something twitched in my chest when she said that, she made me feel something. Again.

"Too bad" she said, turned around and started walking again.

"Quinn?" I said when I caught up with her so I stood right beside her.

"What?" she said when we reached the front of the schoolyard, where everyone hung out.

"I was thinking earlier and I really think-"

"Santana!" I was cut off by Tina, with Rachel right beside her.

"What is it?" I asked, with a really annoyed voice.

"Weren't you going to the court to.. Stretch?" she said and looked at Quinn.

"Yeah, me and Quinn did it together" I figured she had to believe me since we're on the same team.

"You and _Quinn_?" she sounded like I was talking about stretching with the president or something.

"Yeah? Coach said we need to stretch in pairs now, to get to know each other" I lied.

"Yeah, will you two get the hell out of my way now?" Quinn said and shook her head, split Rachel and Tina just to walk inbetween them, I walked behind her.

"Santana!" Tina called, I just glanced back. Her face was still so confused. I said nothing and kept walking beside Quinn even though I didn't feel very welcomed to do so.

"What were you going to say?" Quinn brought it up again.

"Forget it" I said.

"Seriously?" she said, she looked at me with furious eyes and turned her face again and picked up the pace, some moments later she was long ahead of me. And I didn't run up to her this time, because I had nothing to say anymore.

I couldn't help but blaming Tina. Quinn quickly looked back once and then turned around again. I found it typical that just when I got the courage to admit to Quinn that I couldn't stay away from her anymore, someone disturbs me. The truth is, I was now more than ever being honest with myself. During practice, I felt like I wasn't really there. Coach yelled at me several times because of it. I just couldn't help it, but I also didn't want to get kicked out of the team, not yet. I got myself together at the end of the lesson and did my best to show the coach that I wasn't too bad.

"If you people are like this next time we practice, I'll have to sell you to the damn children's team! Get the hell out of here!" coach nagged and shook her head.

We all started walking towards the locker room. I was walking right behind Brittany and Quinn was right beside her. I don't think any of them knew I was right behind them until we got into the locker room.

"Santana, were you here all this time?" Brittany said and smiled.

"Yeah I was, didn't you notice I was at practice until now..?" I asked, a bit concerned.

"I did notice you.. I was just referring to the fact that you were avoiding me during practice!" she laughed and lightly stroked my arm as she walked by to stand by her usual locker, two lockers away from mine.

"I didn't ignore you" I laughed.

"Yeah?" she wanted me to confirm it.

"She was avoiding me, not you" Quinn interrupted.

"I wasn't" I said.

"Come on, Quinn.." Brittany said and tried to pull her back from standing between us.

"What's wrong with you now?" I asked.

"I want to know what you're doing, why you're doing this" Quinn said, her face was only some inches away from mine.

"I just.. I want to make peace" I nearly whispered, almost every girl in the locker room already stared at us and I didn't want any more attention drawn to us.

"What does that even mean?" she asked.

I thought for a second before saying something. If I told her I wanted to be friends now, it would mean I couldn't take it back. Me and Quinn would become.. Friends. Just the thought of it was weird.

"It means I want to be friends with you" I said anyway.

"What happened with 'never'?" she said, this time leaning her shoulder on the locker beside her.

"It went out the window.. It was hard staying away from you" I admitted and swallowed a big lump in my throat. Quinn let out a soft snicker that turned her lips into a smile and walked away to her locker. When Quinn walked away, I could see Brittany very clearly and she looked like she was both shocked and honestly, a bit disappointed.

****

Sometimes, everything felt so right. Like when I'm in bed, with my feet hanging and my arms spread all over the empty space, with music softly playing in the background. Other days, everything just feels wrong, hopeless. And for a whole day, everything felt right.. That had to mean something. I layed in bed, under the covers. I held my phone right in front of my face, I had gotten a unexpected text from Quinn.

_"What are you doing?" _she asked.

_"I was just getting ready for sleep"_

_"How about going out instead?" _

_"Now?" _I replied.

_"Yeah, now"_

_"No thank you" _I wrote.

_"Fine.. Whatever." _

Who asks someone to hang out after midnight? It was twelve thirty, right in the middle of the night. The fact that she asked me out meant that she was awake as well - thinking about me. And something about that made me feel good inside. It made me happy. I hated it. For the first time in a long time, I felt like this about someone, and it's feelings for someone I wish I could hate. Despite everything she put me through, all hate I had towards her - it just vanished. It left me, as if it was never there.

The next morning was okay. I got to school in time and met Mercedes to go to spanish class together. I sat behind Quinn this time, with Mercedes next to me, Brittany next to Quinn. And for once, I was quiet during class. I didn't say a word, all I did was stare at the two necks I had before me, and thought about how much they changed my life and how damn weird I found it. How unexpected it was, how I wasn't prepared for anything like this to ever happen to me. Quinn looked back at me twice, I counted the times she did just so I would know. Two times I caught her looking, she didn't smile or anything - she was just looking at me. I started thinking about all the times I told myself I hated her, all the times I told myself that looking at her disgusted me and how I despite all that, couldn't help but staring at her when we crossed paths, how no matter how much I told her and myself that I disliked her - I still felt blue everytime I saw her smile at someone else.

"So... Santana" Mercedes sneered as we sat down on the bench outside school during the break.

"Yeah?"

"Tina told me you ditched her for Quinn" she said.

"What? I didn't do that" I lied. Once again, I got nervous and it was getting harder and harder for me to cover this nervosity that attacked me whenever someone questioned me about Quinn.

"Really?," Mercedes looked at me with wondering eyes "from what Tina said, you and her walked together from behind school.. When you told Tina you were going to stretch"

"Um, yeah," I swallowed a big lump in my throat "I told her me and Quinn were stretching together, it was orders from our coach"

"You stretched together behind school?" she raised one eyebrow.

"Yeah.." I didn't sound too confident.

"Santana, are you and Quinn a couple?" she asked out of nowhere.

"What?!," I nearly shouted "no, no absolutely not!" I was freaking out even though we weren't a couple, just the thought of it made me feel weirder than ever.

"Are you.. sure?" she laughed at my reaction.

"Yes, yes I'm sure" I calmed down. "Trust me, if I was together with Quinn, you'd be the first one to know" I smiled.

"Well, do you like her?" she asked.

My reaction to her question was nothing that could be seen from my body language - it was something that hit my chest. It was a question I had been afraid to answer ever since I started feeling like that about Quinn.. Because, what I felt for her was something I couldn't quite explain. I felt a lump in my throat when I saw her, a swell of emotions gathered in my chest when I talked to her and I just got nervous even talking about her. Maybe I had a little crush on Quinn, or maybe I didn't. Maybe it was just me being confused. Or, most likely, it was me pushing the feelings that started grow for her in me away.

"I don't" I finally answered.

"Well that took you some time"

"So?"

"I'm just saying, if you were sure, you wouldn't have to think about it" Mercedes said and smirked.

"Whatever" I said. I figured that if I kept fighting it, she would notice even more clearly.

"Are you coming tonight?" Mercedes changed the subject.

"Where?"

"To the movies.. Have you forgotten?" she said.

"Oh shit, yeah I forgot. Yeah, I'll be there" I answered.

I had totally forgotten I made plans with Mercedes, if I remembered right, Brittany would come with us too. Luckily, I didn't make other plans during all this time that I didn't know I already had plans. I was actually happy I had plans, it was a really long time ago I went out on a Friday. Time passed and we were heading home. I was picked up by my mother and Mercedes and I agreed to meet outside the movies eight o'clock. I would take my mom's car and pick Mercedes up, Brittany lived close to the city so she would make her own way there.

"Come on, this is why I hate driving here sometimes.. the damn cars everywhere" I said. Mercedes just laughed next to me.

I drove to the movies and parked right outside along with the other cars. Brittany was standing there, she waved when she saw us arriving. Mercedes waved back as I parked. We stepped out of the car and walked over to Brittany. We tried to decide what movie we wanted to see for around five minutes until we picked out three movies we would choose from. As they were discussing, I picked up my phone that was ringing and stepped aside from them. It was Quinn.

"Hey"

"Hey" she sounded down, not really happy.

"What's up?" I asked and looked back at my two friends who paid no attention to me at all.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out?" she asked.

"I'm actually.. Um," I lowered my voice "I can't, Quinn.. I'm with Mercedes and Brittany at the movies right now"

"Is Brittany with you too?" she asked, sounding really annoyed.

"Yeah"

"How come she's invited and not me?"

"Quinn.. Come on, don't be like that. Both you and I know you would never in a million years want to hang out with Mercedes" I said.

"Fair enough" she jeered.

"Yeah, sorry.. We'll talk later, okay?"

"No wait," she stopped me from hanging up "come hang out with me anyway, leave them"

I looked back at Mercedes and Brittany who now were looking at me, waiting. Mercedes was waving her hand at me and Brittany was just staring. I shrugged and turned my head again. I thought for a while and didn't know what to do. Leaving my friends to meet her would be kind of rude, and if they found out.. They would be really upset. I know Mercedes would. If I turned Quinn down again, maybe she would stop trying again like the last time and I didn't want that either.

"Are you still there?" I heard from the other line, her voice was curious.

"Yeah.. I am, I am," I said "Um.. Yeah, I'll hang out with you" I said quietly.

"Really?" she didn't sound too convinced.

"I will" I assured her. "Text me where you wanna meet. Gotta go" I hung up and walked back to my friends.

"Who was that?" Brittany asked.

"I.. I have to go" I said and quickly had to come up with a excuse.

"What?," Mercedes burst out "why?"

"My mom called me.. Something happened and I really need to be there" I pulled on the upset expression and acted overly stressed. "I'm so sorry guys, you can still watch the movie. I just really have to go" I said again.

"Oh my god, what happened?" Brittany asked. Mercedes looked at me as well.

"I'll explain it all later" I said and rushed out of there.

As soon as I reached the car, I was relieved. I made it. I opened Quinn's text message and drove there, again, to the same spot as usual. It had become our little spot I guess. I felt guilty about lying all the way there but I was still pretty happy about meeting Quinn. When I reached the park, Quinn wasn't there yet. I sat down on the same bench, facing the same type of little crowd - people were starting to leave just when I got there. Facing the same picture, waiting for the same girl. I let my hair out of the ponytail and brushed it with my fingers. I started to feel nervous again when I heard the steps behind me getting closer and closer. She arrived. Her hair was let down, her tight t-shirt formed her body and the blue jeans were perfectly fitted on her legs. I shook the stare I was giving her off and cleared my throat.

"I'm glad you could make it" she sat down next to me, closer than she usually did.

"Yeah.."

Just that moment did I realize that this was pretty awkward because we had nothing to say in the start. All the other times we used to meet here, we had something to talk about. We sat quiet for some minutes and avoided to look at each other, we sat there both of us with our hands in our pockets, our elbows lightly brushing against each other every now and then.

"So.. Do you want to do something? Go somewhere?" she asked.

"Not really"

"You wanna stay here?"

"I do" I answered.

She let out a little laugh, nothing was said, again. It was just so.. Rigid. It felt like I couldn't move, I was careful with what sounds I let out because she was kind of close so I didn't want to her to think I was breathing weirdly or something.. I tried to be really silent with everything I did.

"You and Brittany seem to get along" she said again.

"Yeah, she's really nice" I said.

"She is" she agreed.

"Are you upset because we didn't ask you to come with us?" I asked.

"No, not really"

"Okay, good" I said.

"Do you.. Like her?," she asked. The question came so sudden, I wasn't prepared for it so I didn't really answer for some long seconds "Do you like her?" she asked again.

"God, no. I don't like her, not that way" I said.

"Are you lying to me?" she asked.

"Would it make you angry if I did?" I asked, I let my hands out of my pocket.

"I couldn't care less" she said, but her voice wasn't steady.

"Okay.. Well, I'm lying to you" I said.

"What?" her whole face turned. She locked her eyelids.

"Yeah, I'm super in love with Brittany" I said again.

Quinn opened her eyes and threw me a death stare. Her face was glazed for a second and then she frowned, her lips got pursed together and her eyes unblinking. Right that moment I felt like if her eyes were a weapon, the piercing look she gave me would have me lying on the ground - bloody and destroyed.

"Okay" she said. She finally moved her head to a different direction.

"Quinn, I was joking"

"You were _joking_?" she said. Her face was still contorted in fury. Her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkled with ferocity.

"Yeah... Sorry" I failed to hold in my laugh by letting out a little chuckle.

"That was not funny"

"You said you couldn't care less, I don't see why you got angry.."

"I wasn't angry" she protested.

"Oh please, your face screamed 'furious'," I irritated her "don't even deny it"

"I wasn't angry" she repeated.

"You were angry, Quinn" I said.

She was quiet for a minute and stopped to look away for a moment. I looked at her as she looked right ahead of her at the trees and the empty park. I admired her face in a way I never did before, just that moment did I actually _see_ Quinn. I saw the profile of her nose, her lips and her eye. I waited for her to turn around just so I could see all of it. I wanted to see her whole face. I started to notice that Quinn reacted to my staring, her look wasn't balanced anymore and she glanced at me from the side.

"Will you stop?" she looked at me.

"If you admit it"

"What?" she got tense.

"That it made you angry"

Quinn looked right into my eyes, her eyes were very still, facing mine. I looked right back at her - expecting an answer. She let her hands out of her pocket and put them on the empty space between our thighs. I glanced down at her hand then back up into the green, intense eyes. The sun was slowly drifting away and it started to become darker as the minutes passed. She scooched in a bit closer to me, there was no empty space between our thighs now, her hand was on her own leg. Everything just seemed unreal. She started pressing her face closer to me, her breathing started to sound heavier as mine did. I looked down at her hand that moved from her own thigh to mine. Quinn looked down at my hands and let out a little laugh, I guess she noticed how they got pushed back into my pockets. She leaned in a bit closer and took a strand of my hair to put it behind my ear. My heart started beating so hard I felt like even the blonde in front of myself could hear it. I saw Quinn close her eyes and direct her lips towards mine, leaning in, but just before they got pressed against mine, I pulled away and stood up.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled, still shocked about what just happened and started walking fast and then kind of jogging to my car without even looking back once.

When I got home, I nodded at my parents who were sitting in front of the TV, they asked me about my night and I just answered with a simple 'it was fine'. I stressed into my room and sat down on my bed. I pushed my palms on my forehead and leaned my elbows on my knees. I felt like curling up into a ball and just hiding, I was so embarrassed. For a long while, I had been thinking about what I really wanted with Quinn.. And the moment she leaned in for the kiss, a real kiss, not like the ones before, I knew. I knew and it made me scared. It wasn't like it was the first time I got close or intimate with Quinn, it was just the first time I actually enjoyed and wanted it. I stood up and thought about her - sitting there, alone, maybe also embarrassed. I picked up my phone and called her. It rang once and before she picked up, I hung up and sat down again. Not even a minute passed and I did the same thing again, only this time, I didn't hang up.

"Quinn? It's me.. I'm so sorry" I said, I was still a bit hysterical.

"It's fine" she mumbled.

"Are you still there?"

"I am" she said.

"Why?"

"I don't want to go home yet. What's with you anyway?" she said.

I looked at the clock hanging over my door, 9.30pm. I made up a plan and decided to go for it.

"If I asked you to meet me somewhere, would you?"

"We were just together.. Couldn't you just stay?" I knew she was referring to the fact that I didn't go through with the kiss.

"Just answer my question"

"I would" she said.

I described to her where I wanted her to meet me. It was another, much smaller park closer to my place. A five minute ride. I couldn't really drive too long away now that I already got home, my parents would be too suspicious. She knew what park I meant and she agreed to meet me there in a bit.

"Where are you going again?" my mom asked as I walked towards the door.

"Mercedes forgot her keys in my car, I need to drive them over to her" I lied. My mom nodded.

I drove to the little park, it was this abandoned park. I stood right by the sideway so I would see Quinn when she got here. When I finally saw her car drive in and park. When I finally saw her step out, I knew exactly what I wanted - needed to do. She slowly walked towards me, I walked towards her to meet her halfway on the little sidewalk. I stared right into her eyes, ignoring the fact that we were in the middle of the street - an empty street though. When she got close enough, I cupped her face with my both hands. I looked into her sparkling eyes, this time, the good type of sparkling and felt her breath hit my lips, it was warm, comforting but in another way, threatening. I took a piece of her hair that was hanging right over her eye and brushed it back.

"Santana.." she whispered.

I pressed my finger on her lips, she let out a loud exhale and again the warmth of her breath lit me up. A rush of emotions and heat started to spread across my chest. Shivers were spreading throughout my entire body, reaching every bone, every edge and every curve. I could witness her eyes watching my every move, from the slight trembling of my lips to the way my chest rose and fell as I let a breath out. I leaned forward slowly, her hand was brushing the hair out of my face and in an instant, her lips were pressed against mine. They were soft and they tasted just the way I imagined they would. I felt like I was floating, calm and free in the ocean, or maybe the clouds. Quivers were caressing my skin as my fingertips brushed against Quinn's neck. Every noise I heard, the wind and the sound of cars driving that were in the background of the moment - they turned mute. The only thing I heard was Quinn's slow breathing and the sound of our lips being tangled. It was deep, like the moon - but yet as soft as the warmest summer day. Her hand searched the small of my back and into my my hair. When we finally pulled free from the long kiss, we looked into each others eyes and saw fire. _I _saw fire in her eyes.


	19. Forgive

The weekend past really fast and Monday was already here. When I met Mercedes she wanted me to explain why I left because I didn't answer her or Brittany's texts during the whole weeknd. I didn't really know what to say, I had to come up with a good lie before saying something. So my only way out was to tell them that my grandma got sent to the hospital. I know, it was a really bad thing to lie about but it was the only thing that would sound convincing to them. I didn't want them to get mad at me, I really didn't. We sat and ate our lunch while hoping Tina wouldn't bring Rachel with her to sit with us today. It always got so awkward and weird when she was there with us, especially for me. However, no matter how hard we prayed and hoped, Rachel was with Tina anyway when she walked into the lunch room.

"You wouldn't believe what just happened to Rachel, guys!" Tina said as they sat down, Rachel just looked like she was in pain, really

"What happened?" Mercedes forced out of herself.

"Tell them, Rach!" Tina was still so excited.

"I don't feel like talking about it"

"She got yelled at by the english teacher just because she bumped into her," Tina couldn't stop laughing "and!," she took a deep breath "oh my god, it was so funny. She kept yelling at Rachel for no logical reason at all!"

Both me and Mercedes looked at each other and then at Rachel, it was obvious that Rachel didn't feel as glad about the little incident. She looked kind of upset so we saved her the embarrassment and didn't laugh.

"That's not really funny though" Mercedes said. I just ate my sandwich in silence.

"But if you saw it-"

"It wasn't funny, Tina" Rachel spoke.

"Fine, jeez. Forget it" Tina sounded annoyed.

"Thank you" Rachel grumbled.

I looked at Mercedes again and we shared looks. We both felt the awkwardness and we both knew exactly what we wanted to do - get the hell out of there. We didn't, we sat there with them for another while so we wouldn't seem like self centered bitches. As I took another bite of my sandwich, I felt someones hands on my shoulders, I turned around and faced Brittany.

"Oh, Brittany" I said and quickly swallowed the food in my mouth.

"Hey," she smiled "did everything go well on Friday?" she asked.

"Yeah," I cleared my throat "it all went fine"

"You didn't tell me what happened.. I texted you several times but you didn't answer me, I figured it was too serious to text about" she took a chair and sat down next to me.

"It was about my grandma, I don't feel like discussing it"

"That's totally fine, I understand" Brittany smiled.

I looked around to see if Quinn was anywhere to be found but she wasn't.

"Why are you here alone?" I asked, secretly asking about Quinn.

"I'm waiting for Quinn, she told me she had to talk to someone, she asked me not to come with her," she straightened her back "so I guessed I could sit with you guys until she got back. Is that okay?"

"Of course" we all nodded.

The first thing I thought about when she said that Quinn asked her not to go after her was the fact that I knew where Quinn was - she was smoking. I took my empty lunch box and threw it inside my bag. Brittany started talking to Mercedes and I was just sitting there. Silent and waiting.

"Isn't it true, San?" Mercedes said.

"What?"

I felt stupid for not even hearing what they were talking about, I was so lost in my own thoughts - I was too busy. I kept thinking about how I would speak to Quinn in front of the others or how I would act around her. I was trying to prepare myself for it.

"You're so lost" Mercedes laughed.

"Sorry, I was busy thinking" I said.

"Are you sad about your grandma?" Brittany lowered her voice and came a little closer to me. Her blue eyes were right in front of mine, a couple of inches away. She probably did that so everyone wouldn't hear her.

"No, don't worry about me" I said, feeling the guilt eating me up alive.

"You sure?" she said, I felt her hand rubbing my back, comforting me for something I didn't go through.

"Yes, really. I'm fine. My grandma is fine now"

"Okay, just checking" she smiled, her face still close.

"Just kiss already and get it over with"

We both quickly turned around and Quinn was standing right behind Brittany. Her eyes were glued on me, as if she was really. She shrugged when I looked back at her and looked at Brittany.

"We weren't going to do that, Quinn" Brittany defended herself.

"It looked like you were"

"I was comforting her. You don't know what happened" Brittany looked right at Quinn.

"No, I don't know what happened" her voice went soft and calm.

Brittany didn't stand up and Quinn still stood there, her arms were crossed and the cheerleading outfit looked different on her - it looked good. Amazing. Something I hadn't really noticed before. She looked down at me with a wondering look, a curious look that was waiting for me to explain what had happened. I didn't though, because I knew her reaction would give Mercedes and Brittany hints about the fact that I was lying. She would either laugh or say something about it that sounded suspicious. I just shook my head and looked down, this time, the nervosity was kind of slapping my face, squeezing my heart, it was suffocating me. I felt surrounded, like there was no way out of here. I felt that way not because I had been lying to my friends, I felt that way because it was hard to be that close to Quinn and feel her glare at me and not be able to look back just like I did before. And it bothered me because they all noticed how I avoided looking at Quinn. How my face was staring down at the table before me.

"I won't tell her if you don't want me to" Brittany whispered into my ear.

"Will you just come, Brittany?" Quinn said as soon as Brittany approached me.

Brittany stood up and waved at us and then they walked away. I sighed in relief and brushed my hand against my forehead. I looked at the three faces staring at me and gave them a 'what?' look, they quickly looked away and went back to what they were doing before.

"I didn't know you were friends with Brittany and Quinn" Tina said to me.

"I'm friends with Brittany, not Quinn" I answered.

"You stretched with her, didn't you? And you're not on each others backs like before.. I assumed-"

"We're not friends, damn it," I cut her off "why do you even care?"

"I don't care. I'm just still kind of angry that you didn't even care about me and left us for Quinn, when I called for you, you didn't even say something. That's really shitty" Tina said.

"Guys.." Mercedes said as she felt the tension grow between us.

"Are you still thinking about that? What are you, five?"

"You're just too much of a coward to admit that you're friends with the one person who made half your time in this school a living hell, Santana. I don't blame you though, I would be ashamed about that too"

I looked at Tina without saying a word about - or answering what she said. I could feel my nerves tingle as if they were being tickled by a soft feather, in a bad way. A sea of anxiety started to grow deep inside me and it curled into my stomach and just settled there like a big lump. My jaw clenched and my palms were getting sweatier and formed into a fist. My what felt like soaking hand moved up to my forehead again, whiping it from absolutely nothing. I pushed myself of the chair, gave Tina one last look, I let the carving words she said sink in.

"Screw you" I snarled and walked away.

I took quick steps out of the lunch room, Mercedes was right behind me, catching up with me. I pushed the door open and ran outside, I wanted to be alone. I didn't need any comfort or a friend right now, I just needed myself. I looked around the schoolyard and knew exactly where to go. Quinn's smoking corner. I ran there and threw my bag against the fence and crumbled down right beside it, leaning my head back on the hard, uncomfortable iron fence.

"Santana..." Mercedes said as she slowly walked towards me.

"Just leave me alone, please. It's all I'm asking" I said.

"You know I don't care if you're friends with her right? It's up to you what you want to do, who you're friends with" she said and then did what I asked her to do, she left me alone.

I started feeling uncomfortable, physically ill to my stomach - a feeling I had no control over. I thought about what Tina said and it just messed me up all over again. I started thinking over my choices, was it really that wrong of me to be friends with Quinn? Was it really _that _weak of me that I couldn't stay away from her? Was it stupid of me to kiss her, to call her back for the sole porpuse of allowing myself to wrap my lips around hers? Thoughts like that started hitting me, things like regret, confusion and guilt surrounded my insides and started digging into my stomach, chest and mind again. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my emotions - I tried to think of it in a positive way. Yes, Quinn did some messed up things to me, but she hadn't done anything in a really long time. Although it's weird, no matter how much we tease each other, I'm still happy when I'm near her. Happy along with the constant feeling of nervousness. For me, that's enough. But yet Tina's words hurt. They hurt because they made me feel bad about something I truly like and enjoy. I stood up and left the bag where I threw it. I walked around in circles, thinking. Telling Quinn I couldn't be her friend again wasn't even an option - I didn't want that nor would I let it happen. Then again, keeping our friendship or whatever it was a secret would be very stressful. My solution was to act like I was friends with her - not be the way I am towards her, I would be nice. The kind of nice you are to a friend. I would try that. To hell with Tina and her judging, I decided to not let it hurt me. I had a breakdown - she said things that made me upset, but after I got calm and thought things through, they hurt less and I could go back to Mercedes. I walked back to my bag and picked it up, I turned around and bumped into her.

"Watch out" she smiled.

"Quinn" I said in a shocking tone.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as she pressed the cigarette between her lips and lit it.

"I was.. I needed to think"

"About?" she asked, holding the cigarette between her fingers.

"About stuff"

"About us" she corrected me.

"Kind of"

Her eyes narrowed to my answer. She started to inhale slowly with the cigarette in her mouth. She took a large drag and puffed out the smoke, right in front of my face. This time I didn't even care to wave it away. I just stood there. A step closer to Quinn than the last time we were here. She blew out another puff of smoke but this time she turned her head and didn't let it surround my face. She raised her left hand, the empty one, and placed it first on my shoulder and then on the back of my neck, I felt her fingers play with my ponytail. She dropped her hand again and just stood there, all quiet again. She threw the cigarette on the ground and didn't step on it this time, she just left it there to die on it's own.

"Are you sad?" she asked, as if she could see right through me.

"No, why would you think that?" I asked.

"I watched you for a while, you know, like you did the last time" she smiled, letting me know that she actually knew I was there when she was smoking the time I followed her.

"Oh.."

"What happened?" she asked.

"Nothing"

"Stop acting like a child and talk to me, will you?," she did that thing again when she sniffs as if she has a cold "things have changed between us, big time, so you can talk to me"

"Tina just said something that made me sad, kind of upset. It just made me think a little"

"What did that little piece of scum say to you?" she asked.

_Scum._

"Something about that I should be ashamed.. You know, about being friends with you"

Quinn looked to the side, her eyes stopped to look at me, to check if I was being honest, and then she looked away again. She sat down on one of the half ruined, ready for the garbage truck desks and I went to sit next to her on the little space that was left of it.

"Are you?"

"Ashamed?" I asked.

"Yes" her eyes were glued on mine.

"No, I'm not"

"Did she change your mind then?" she asked.

"No, she made me think, but she didn't change my mind" I said and looked ahead of me. The noices weren't hard to notice from the schoolyard. People were screaming about stuff, laughing and some were having loud discussions just around the corner.

"Santana, honest now, what the hell are we even?"

"Friends?" I answered fast.

"Friends," she laughed "do you and Mercedes kiss?" she asked.

"No" I answered.

"You and Tina?," I shook my head "and what about Rachel?" I shook my head yet again "Brittany then?"

"No" I said.

"Then rethink your answer"

"What are you saying?" I wondered.

"I'm saying we're not just friends"

"Then.. What are we?"

I started to feel her fingers placing themselves right over my hand, I made the palm of my hand face the palm of hers and our hands intertwined. I started to feel nervous again, afraid that she would notice my sweaty palms and the core of my stomach turned, as if little bugs were tickling me there.

"More than friends, just not yet a couple" she smiled. Her eyes lightened as our foreheads lightly bumped and stayed that way. Our heads leaned against each other and for the first time with Quinn, everything just felt simple. So easy.

I looked for Mercedes all around the places we used to hang out around until I finally found her and Tina by the lockers. I looked away from them as soon as I saw Tina. I made sure they didn't see me and walked away to sit on the bench outside my locker. I waited for Mercedes to start looking for me so I could tell her I was fine, I would eventually forgive Tina too, just not yet. I wanted her to apologize because what she said was still mean. I wasn't an angel myself but I didn't try to make my friends regret doing things they like, however though, she didn't manage. Sure, Tina didn't know me and Quinn were friends - she assumed we were. But still.

"Santana?"

I looked up, I was so lost again I didn't even notice her coming. She stood there with her little skirt and her granny blouse, her brown hair was lighter than it was during winter.

"Rachel" I said, shocked about her talking to me.

"Please before leaving, just listen to me" she said.

"Sure" I guessed I had nothing to lose, it had been a long time ago since the thing between me and Rachel happened, like I forgave Quinn, I should be able to forgive Rachel.

"I know we're really weird and all that.. But to be honest, I miss having you as a friend. I hate that we all can't hang out together just because of me and you"

"It doesn't stop Tina from coming and hanging with us anyway when you're with her" I said, I didn't act nice just yet.

"I know, I always tell her not to go to you," she looked at the empty seat next to me but didn't sit down "I mean outside school. I regret everything and I know you probably hate me, I mean I would hate myself too but I still can't keep it inside anymore I really-" she was babbling so much I had to stop her.

"Rachel, rachel! Stop right there" I said. "Sit down," I began "it's okay. We're okay, stop saying you're sorry. I forgive you"

Rachel's eyes started looking watery, as if she was ready to get tears of joy. Her eyes widened and the smile on her lips started to stretch across her whole face.

"Thank you. It really removes a big rock from my chest.." she said "can I get a hug? I promise I won't kiss you again" she jested.

"Of course you can" it felt good that she joked about it, it meant she really was over it.

Forgiving Rachel was a good choice, it felt better not to be mad at her. It doesn't mean I'll trust her again or anything even close to that. It just means I can be around her without feeling like I _have _to look angry even though I'm not. I saw Mercedes walk alone so I excused myself and told Rachel I'll see her later or tomorrow and walked away to Mercedes. I told her everything about me and Rachel and that I'm okay with her now. She was shocked but yet happy in a way. I also told her I was feeling better now after what Tina said and I admitted to her that me and Quinn were friends, I said friends because I couldn't find another word to describe our relationship. I didn't tell her anything about our kiss or anything, I wasn't ready. Even though I said she would the first to know we were a couple, but that was _when_ we became a couple. Me and Quinn decided we weren't one yet.

"You did the right thing" Mercedes said when we reached my moms car.

"I know, I feel better"

"Is Brittany coming?" she said.

"I don't think so, did she say anything to you?"

"No, I guess she's got her own car" Mercedes said and we stepped into the car.

When I got home, I threw myself on bed. I literally just threw myself on it. My eyes were pointing the roof and I was just looking up. Smiling. It felt like my senses started to take on the world differently. All the images in my head slowly started to become images of Quinn. Step by step. A knock on my door disturbed me and I quickly sat up.

"Santana? There's a girl right outside, Brittany?" my mother said.

"Oh, it's my friend" I stood up and walked towards the door. I brushed the surprised look of my face and looked at her, she was standing there, still in her cheerleading outfit which means she hadn't gone home yet. "Hey you" I said.

"Hey" she smiled.

"What's up?"

"I kinda wanna speak to you.."

"Okay," I looked at her and hoped she wouldn't say something that would ruin my mood "let's go to my room"

We reached my little room and sat down on the edge of my bed. She looked around as if it was the first time she was in my room.

"Santana, I'm not trying to ruin things for you"

"Okay?" I said wondering.

"It's about your friendship with Quinn, I know you guys are getting closer, I'm friends with both of you and it's obvious you don't hate each other anymore. I can see that you've become kind of friends"

"And?" I started to feel a lump grow in my chest.

"I've been friends with her for a really, _really _long time," she looked right into my eyes "I just want you to be careful"

"Why though?" I asked, trying to keep calm - _act_ calm.

"Quinn is nice and all, when she wants too, but just don't get too close"

"_Why_?"

"It's not important why, it's just important that you know"

I started to get heated, angry at Brittany. She did ruin my mood, I was really happy and just glad about where I was with Quinn at the moment then she came and ruined it all for me.

"You're so full of shit," I said "are you jealous?" I asked.

"It's not jealousy, it's me being a friend. Please don't be angry.. I'm being honest"

It was really hard to not believe Brittany, she was too calm, too much of a sweetheart to lie to me. I was just not in the place to start doubting Quinn again.

"Can't you just tell me why?" I tried again.

"Do you ever have this thing on someone, something they think you won't tell people? This thing you and just one other group of people, a bit older people, college kids, kind of bad people know.. And you're the only good friend who knows about it?"

"I guess" I said, I didn't really have something like that on someone but I understood what she was saying.

"I have something like that on Quinn"

"Oh and you can't tell me?"

"No matter how much I want to, she's still my friend.. Like I didn't tell her about your grandmother.. I can't tell you about her secrets"

"It's fine.."

"I just needed to tell you, don't let her affect you in any way"

Just when she said that, it hit me. Brittany was probably talking about Quinn smoking. It made sense, she didn't want me to fall into the same dark hole. I looked up at Brittany and she just sat there with a pouty face, her eyes were shiny and the ponytail looked a bit loose.

"Brittany, I think I know what you're talking about"

"You do? Really?"

"Are you talking about that thing she does, secretly, during the school breaks?"

"She does it on the breaks? I didn't know it was that often.."

"I guess it is, but don't worry. She won't push me into doing it and even if she tries, I won't. My dad is a doctor - I wouldn't hear the end of it if I started smoking"

"I can't believe she does _that _in school.."

"Let's drop it, please" I didn't feel like talking about Quinn anymore with Brittany. I was happy now though that I knew what she was talking about.

"I'm happy you're safe then" she said and stood up.

"Why don't you stay for a while?"

"I really have to get home," she said "some other time" she smiled.

I went back to my bed after I walked Brittany to the door. I found it cute how she made such a big deal about the fact that Quinn was smoking, she made sound like Quinn was committing crimes during the nights and just acted like a normal teenage girl in school. It made smile a bit - Brittany was so harmles, so pure. She was so protective of her friends. Thoughtful people are always good to have in your life. However, I felt like it was time to get into the shower and then begin with my homework before doing anything else.

"Let me pick you up tomorrow"

"Why?" I said.

"I wanna drive you to school" she said.

"Okay..." I said, secretly smiling on the other line.

"See you tomorrow," I could nearly hear the smile in her voice "goodnight"

"Goodnight, Quinn" and I hung up.

I layed in bed for some short minutes and then drifted into sleep, probably with a smile on my face.

Morning came and I had risen out of bed earlier than usual, I was too excited to sleep. I used all the time I had to get ready, eat breakfast and then stand on my porch waiting for Quinn. I had informed my mom that I was being picked up by a friend so she didn't have to stress for my sake either. After I had been standing there for around ten minutes, a black volvo parked in my driveway. As soon as I saw it, I started walking towards the car. I opened the door and sat in the car. The smell of smoke attacked me as soon as I took a breath, she had obviously been smoking on her way over to me. Other than the smell, the car looked pretty fresh inside. It looked kind of new.

"Morning" she said, facing the road.

"Goodmorning"

"Did you sleep well?" she asked, this time turning her head to see my face and a smile appeared on hers as she did.

"I did, and you?"

"I did"

We were quiet for some minutes. I opened my window and she kept hers closed, I looked out and watched people step out of their apartments, the city waking up. I smiled at the view of a puppy running after his owner.

"Brittany came over yesterday"

"Did she?" the mysterious voice became sharper.

"Yeah.. She was really cute," I looked at Quinn "she was like 'don't get too close to Quinn because she can affect you in a bad way'," I let out a little chuckle "I found it funny, first she didn't know that I knew you were smoking that's why she was so worried I think"

"She's such an idiot sometimes. You know she doesn't even know I'm smoking cigarettes right?"

"Come on, don't be mean to her, she's really nice.. What else would she be talking about?"

"I have no idea, Santana" Quinn said "that's why she's an idiot sometimes"

"She's actually smarter than you think she is"

"Oh so you know her better than I do?" she joked.

"That's not what I'm saying" I laughed.

"Are you ready to be questioned by your little buddies?" she said as she parked in the school parking lot.

"They know we're friends now" I said.

"They _think _we're friends now" she added. I snorted at her.

I opened the door and stepped out of the car. Quinn did the same, closed the door behind her and locked the car. We walked towards school together, a part of me was eager to reach for her hand and walk into school holding it. Of course, I didn't do it. I just kept walking with the space between us speaking for itself. I looked at her when we got into school. My look said more than my words could. So did hers.

"Spanish class" she said to cover up the awkwardness, to cover the longing for something we couldn't go for in the middle of the hallway.

"Spanish class, yes" I smiled back, brushed my hand against hers and walked towards the classroom with Quinn right beside me.

When we reached the area around the classroom, people were already there. Mercedes was sitting with Brittany and I saw Rachel around as well. They looked at us and Brittany gave me a understanding look as Mercedes had the 'what do we have here' look on her face. I seperated from Quinn and walked to sit beside Mercedes. Brittany smiled at me and walked over to Quinn. I found it really stupid that Quinn refused to hang out with Mercedes and Tina but Rachel on the other hand, I understood her problem with hanging out with her. They used to go out or whatever. According to Rachel, they were in love, yet Quinn was never seen around Rachel in public, where people could actually see them. With me though, she didn't mind being seen by others. That showed a little bit that Quinn thought she was much better than Rachel which probably was why she didn't want to be caught hanging out with her. It was pathetic, really. However, before me and Mercedes spoke, the teacher unlocked the door and we sat down. The lesson passed quickly this time, me and Mercedes whispered now and then, talked even though we knew the teacher would get really annoyed if she heard us. When the lesson was over, we took our stuff and walked out. Quinn and Brittany were already gone and I didn't care to look after them, I didn't want to seem too obsessed, which I wasn't. Yet.

"You know what I hate?" Mercedes said.

"What?" I answered as we were just randomly walking around school, with no destination.

"I hate it when a teacher doesn't let go, I mean, she knows I've been working my ass of to get my grades up on her class but yet she keeps telling me to do this and that!" she said. I knew she was talking about the spanish teacher.

"I can help you" I said.

"Girl I don't need no help, I manage just fine by my own" Mercedes said, sounding too proud about herself.

"Well, alright then" I laughed at her stubborn ways.

We kept walking around until we came across Rachel, who was alone. She looked up at us and did that little smile she does when she doesn't know exactly how to react or what to do.

"Hi" she said.

"Where's Tina?" I asked her.

"She's sick today.."

"Why are you alone?"

"I didn't know who to hang out with" she said.

"Stop being such a drama queen, you know you can hang out with us now" Mercedes said. Rachel quickly stood beside her and we continued our walk around school until I suggested we go out.

The sun struck our eyes and the nice weather really gave one a mood kick - you felt better just by being a part of the nature, feeling and breathing it in. I looked around and there were absolutely no empty benches, none. Every single one was taken so instead of going back in we just stood there and talked and enjoyed the sun, allowed it to start heating our bodies - putting a filter over us.

"It's good you and Quinn finally made up" Rachel said.

"It is"

"It's nice knowing she's not on your back anymore.. Or mine. My boyfriend doesn't really appreciate Quinn"

Both me and Mercedes reacted to her sentence. Her 'boyfriend'. Last time I checked she was a full time closet lesbian. However, Mercedes didn't really know that. Her shock was probably just a reaction to the fact that Rachel even got herself a boyfriend.

"Oh, doesn't he?" I asked.

"No, he says she's too full of herself" Rachel said again, looking at Mercedes instead of me.

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend!," Mercedes said and gave Rachel a soft look "does he go to our school?"

"Yes, he's a senior" she said.

I had troubles believing Rachel. I really did, it was hard to believe that someone like her, someone who some months ago was obsessed with a girl and kissed me, now had a boyfriend. Still though, I had no right to confront her about it or tell her I don't believe her. It was absolutely none of my business. I could have my doubts but I could never be really sure.

"What's his name? Do we know him?"

"I think so.. His name is Sam"

"Sam?!" Mercedes shouted "oh my god!"

"Santana, you know Sam right?"

"Um," I raised my eyebrow "I don't"

"He was with me the first time Tina and I talked to you! He's tall, blonde.."

"Oh that guy, I remember him, yeah" I said.

"Well that's Sam" she said.

"I'm happy you found someone, Rachel" I looked at her, knowing that deep inside she knew I with other words told her I'm happy she's over Quinn. For her sake, and secretly, my own.

"Me too, he's really wonderful.."

As Rachel kept talking about how amazing her boyfriend was to me and Mercedes, I kept pretending I was listening while I started thinking. If Mercedes knows who he is, and I met him once or twice, then it had to be legit. Rachel had a boyfriend and I couldn't be happier. I was confused, yes, I thought she really was a lesbian and not bisexual. But I forgot about that and celebrated the fact that she wouldn't make a move on me or Quinn again. I took my phone out of my pocket when I felt the vibrate. I smiled at the number it was sent from and opened the text message.

_"Come see me" _she wrote.

I excused myself and went to see Quinn. I knew exactly where. I walked around the corner and there she stood. The cigarette in her hand like whenever I saw her there, the cheerleading outfit on point, leaning herself on the hard iron fence behind her. Her gaze moved up to my face from my legs and a smile as warming as the sun shining on my back flashed.


	20. Date

"Did you get sad when you didn't get crowned prom queen?" I asked Quinn.

"What made you think of that?" she asked, a smile grew on her lips.

"I don't know"

"You just never know, do you?" she ashed the cigarette and squinted.

I was thinking about prom and how I after all didn't go anyway, even though I promised my friends I would. It was months ago but I just thought of it. I remembered that Quinn went around school and hung up posters on the walls so people would vote for her and yet she didn't get voted prom queen.

"I guess not"

"To answer your question, no I didn't get sad. Stuff like that don't bug me, not anymore"

"How come?"

"I guess I grew up from it" she took another puff.

"Alright"

"Do you want to try?" she looked at me and handed the cigarette for me to take.

"No, not really" I said and watched her put it back between her lips.

"Good" she smiled.

We sat down on the usual bench, the usual spot. She had finished smoking during our little walk around the park. I don't know how but it just became where we wanted to be when we were together, maybe it was because we never saw people we knew there. It was always only old people and random grown ups walking their dogs. No young people ever hung out around the park. We could be alone without worrying about someone seeing us together.

"So I was invited to a party, it's in two weeks or so.. My friend is moving to England so he wants to gather all his friends"

"Yeah?"

"Come with me this time"

"I don't know.." I said.

"Please?"

"What kind of party is it?"

"It's the same guy who threw it last time, when I told you to come with me and Brit." I listened carefully "It's this college guy"

"Is it at his house?"

"Yeah, huge house by the way" she added.

"Is Brittany going?" I asked.

"I think so"

"Fine"

"Fine?"

"I'll come with you"

"You are?" her face lightened.

"How do you even know all these people?" I asked.

"Older people are funnier to hang out with" she said.

"Yeah but how did you get to know them?" I asked again.

"I don't know, really.. Work and stuff" she said.

"Alright"

I felt kind of ambivalent about saying yes to go to that pary with her. I wouldn't know anyone, what if when we got there she started to hang out with her friends and forget about me? It would also be weird having Brittany there, me and Quinn wouldn't be able to act the way we want to. We had to act like friends. Still I really wanted to go with her and see what kind of people she likes to really hang out with after school.

"You know, Lopez-"

"Santana" I corrected her.

"_Santana,_" she laughed "we've never actually gone out on a real date" she reached for my hand and grabbed it.

"I thought our little meetings here and there were dates" I nervously chuckled.

"They're not though," her eyes were glued on our hands as she started brushing her fingers along my arm "I want to take you on a real date, where we don't have to hide. At all"

"New York's big, I bet there's places we won't have to hide in" I said with a little tone of sarcasm in my voice.

"I have another idea" she stood up, her hand still holding mine. "Let me take you to my place, this weekend"

"Your place? A date?" I asked.

"Yes, a date. A real date" the cold yet light, burning voice said.

"O-okay," I couldn't resist her offer. "What about your parents?"

"They're going away for the weekend"

"It'll be the first time I come to your house"

"Are you excited?" she asked and pulled me up from the bench and drug me over to the green grass.

I tried to pull away because I knew what she wanted to do, she'd make me fall onto the grass and make a mess out of my clothes. Her playful smile grew as the seconds passed, with both my hands now holding hers she took slow steps back through the enormous lawn and right then I did what she didn't expect at all and caught her by surprise, I lightly pushed her so she sat on her butt, in a way I knew wouldn't hurt her of course. She caught me before I hit the ground and held me hard, her arms were wrapped around my waist. I sat between her legs with my back towards her face as she leaned her head on my shoulder. The fact that I convinced my parents to let me go out 10pm on a Thursday night was still shocking to me but that exact moment where I was wrapped around Quinn did I know that it was more than just worth it. I felt her lips being placed on my neck, giving me light kisses. I turned around so I could see her face, something I was excited about everytime I thought of Quinn during the past week or two. I sat with my legs crossed and took her hands in mine. The look in her eyes, it was so.. deep. A small flash of light was hidden in there and just by one look they revealed a dimension of pure darkness - they revealed something I yearned to be a part of. Her desperate hazel eyes made the moon behind her look boring as she leaned in for a kiss.

The rest of the night I layed in bed, thinking. I got home around 11.30 and my parents had already gone to sleep. The date with Quinn danced around my mind. I kept thinking about things like if I should bring a gift or should I dress up a little or not? I had absolutely no idea about what I was going to do. The date was on Saturday. I decided to try to sleep instead and figure out what to wear or if I should bring her something the same day.

In school, it was really weird seeing Rachel around with her boyfriend, still I was happy for her. I waved at her when I passed them right after lunch and both her and him waved back at me. I walked to the car, it was only a half day. The teachers of the whole school were going on a conference thingy. So you can say this was a good Friday. I unlocked the car and sat down, threw my bag right beside me on the passenger seat and put the seatbelt on. My skirt had gone up a bit and the scars on my legs showed, my heart sunk a little when I saw them, being busy with Quinn and all made me forget about them for a while. I brushed my finger against the deepest one on my right leg - it didn't hurt anymore but the scar was still very visible. The other smaller ones started to fade away. I kept looking at it before starting the car, I remembered all the feelings, the incidents. I closed my eyes and prayed to forget before I fell too far in again. I opened my eyes and started the engine and backed out of the parking lot and drove home. I put the radio on while I was on the road. I had my favorite channel on as always - they only played old school music. Not only one genre either, no, they played everything. Rock, not heavy rock, it was mostly kind of chill rock, pop, R'n'B and hip hop. When I turned the radio on they were in the middle of No doubt's Just A Girl. I wouldn't know it was that song if the radio guy didn't say what the name of it was at the end of the song. When I reached the driveway I took a long, deep breathe and stepped out of the car.

"Had fun last night?" my mother asked, not even looking up from her news paper.

"I did"

"Who's the girl?" she asked again.

"W-what girl?"

"Aren't you seeing some girl?" she looked up.

"I'm not"

"Who makes you go out so late then, isn't she the one who picked you up the other day?"

"Mom I'm not seeing someone"

"Oh honey, I'm not stupid. Spill it out" she laughed.

"It's my friend" I answered. I walked towards the fridge and took out a bottle of water.

"Whatever you say sweetie" she answered and dug her head back in the newspaper.

I walked into my room and sat down on my bed. It was Friday and I hadn't planned anything with my friends. I was kind of happy about that, I didn't feel like going out, I just wanted to stay in. I felt like just resting and mentally prepare for my date with Quinn on Saturday. All the other times we met, I was never _this_ nervous. I mean, I was really nervous around her but never to this level. I didn't know how to be around her - would I just be the way I am when we hang out outside or should I be extra careful this time?

I woke up and instantly thought it was morning, I was wrong. I looked at the clock and I had woken up from a three hour nap. It was 7pm and I could smell dinner being cooked. I reached for my phone and faced the notifications of three missed calls and two texts. Two of the calls were from Mercedes and the other one from Brittany. The texts were both sent from Quinn.

_"Do you eat chicken?" _said the first one.

_"Never mind. Of course you do" _said the second one, I smiled at it and called Mercedes up.

"Did you just wake up from the dead?" she said before I even said a simple 'hello'.

"Shut up," I stood up "I didn't know I would fall asleep" I could hear other noises in the background on the other line. "What's up?" I asked.

"We called you, both Brittany and I but you didn't answer so we guessed you were busy. We're at the pizza place right outside Brittany's place. We just got here, come" Mercedes said.

"I don't know.. I just woke up and I'm pretty sure my mom's cooking something up" I gasped.

"You don't have to eat" she said.

"So I just go to a pizza place and not eat?" I sarcastically said.

"You can take a drink and just hang out"

"Who else is there?"

"It's just me and Brittany"

I found it funny how I was the one who made them become friends and now they hang out all the time. Not that I was jealous, I just thought it was kind of funny.

"I'll see. I'll call you soon"

I put the phone down and walked to the kitchen. My mom was making some stue with rice. It smelled nice but I wasn't in the mood for something like that. I considered the pizza again.

"Slept well?" she asked.

"Yeah" I answered.

"Are you going out?" she asked.

"I don't know, Mercedes and Brittany are at this pizza place. They asked me to go there" I said.

"So you want the car?"

"No, I don't know. I might go.." I said.

"You want the car" she laughed.

"I think it's time I get my own car"

"You'll get one, be patient" she said and pointed at the table where the keys were.

"Thanks mom"

Just like that, actually thanks to my mom, I decided to go hang out with my friends. I changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed the keys when I walked back into the kitchen and drove over to them.

When I got into the restaurant, it was really crowded. People of all ages were seated all around the place. I looked around and saw Mercedes and Brittany in the corner by the window. I walked over to them and sat down right next to Brittany.

"You're not ordering something?" Mercedes asked

"Not now, maybe later"

"We're glad you made it" Brittany said and smiled at me.

"For a minute I thought you were busy hanging out with someone else..." Mercedes wouldn't let it go, she was stuck on the fact that I liked Quinn, according to her. And I did, so when she said things like that, I felt like I would explode.

"I was sleeping, you know that!" I jokingly said with nervous laughter hidden behind my voice.

"Were you _that_ tired after school?" Brittany said after she was done chewing her pizza.

"I didn't know I was, I just fell asleep" I said.

"Happens to me all the time" she said and dried her hands with one of the napkins from the pizza crumbs. She put her hand right next to mine on the modern red higlighted couch.

"God, I'm getting the biggest headache from the girls behind us. They're laughing like a bunch of hyenas"

We both laughed at Mercedes statement and the crowded pizza place just got even worse, I started to think there was some football game and everyone came here to eat after when a bunch of guys walked in with some team flag printed on their shirts. In the middle of everything - Mercedes talking, me looking at the people coming in and how the line got longer all the time, this blue haired girl walked in. Alone. She stood out from the crowd not only because of the long blue hair and incredibly pale face but it was the fact that the took out a cigarette and lit it up in the middle of the restaurant while she was standing in line.

"Are you here?" Mercedes said.

"Yeah, what?"

"You always drift away.. God knows what's on your mind all the time" she laughed, so did Brittany.

"I was looking at that girl over there," I discreetly pointed my head at her "are people allowed to smoke in here?"

"No," Brittany said "do you want me to tell the employee over there?"

"No, they'll eventually see her or just simply smell it" I said to save both the blue haired girl and Brittany the trouble.

Time passed and without even getting anything to eat or drink for myself, I thought it was time for me to go home after two hours of sitting there. So did they. We left the place and Brittany walked home, she lived really close and for some seconds when I watched her walk in, I felt jealous. It has to be awesome to just be able to walk down and get yourself a pizza whenever you're hungry and there's nothing to eat at home. Me and Mercedes said goodbye as well and walked to our own cars.

After too little sleep, I woke up as morning rose. I waited patiently until it was time to get ready for my date with Quinn. After hours and hours of waiting, it was time. I threw my outfit on and thanks to my mother I would be late so I didn't have time to pick something up for Quinn. She insisted that I would first drive her to abuela ten minutes before I had to be at Quinn's place, 6pm. So I dropped my mother off and then lost another ten minutes by looking for the right adress. At last I found the right house, pretty one. It was painted in a white colour and had a nicely trimmed lawn. I parked the car and stepped out, I took slow, nervous steps towards the door. I felt my heart beat and it was harder than I expected it to be. I knocked on the door and seconds later, Quinn stood infront of me. She crossed her arms and leaned on the doorframe, her eyes lightened and the lips formed into a beautiful curve.

"You look great" she said and lead me in.

"Thank you," I said "your house is really nice" I commented.

She walked me to the kitchen, to get there we passed the big, refreshing living room. A piece of artwork was hanging on the wall over the big brown couch, the carpet felt soft under my feet and white walls around me were naked, besides the wall behind the couch of course. It was a very simple yet nice inside of the house. In the kitchen, it smelled really nice.. Like chicken. So I decided to play a little bit with her.

"Is that chicken?" I asked.

"Yes," she smiled "it's like the only thing I can cook"

"Oh.." I faked a disappointed tone and look.

"What? Is something wrong?" she asked.

"It's just that..," I held myself from laughing "you didn't get my text?"

"What text...?"

"I don't eat chicken" I said.

I watched Quinn carefully, she didn't speak. I saw a downward turn of her mouth. She gave me a slow nod while frowning.

"It's okay" and it really didn't sound like it was okay. "I can do something else.. or I can try"

"Hey," I said and watched her just stand there, thinking out something else to do "Quinn?"

"Yeah?"

"I was kidding" I said with a laugh.

"Santana!," she shouted and the frown left her face in a heartbeat "you can't mess with me like that you little clown.."

"You're the clown, don't you remember..?" I joked.

"And you were the newbie" she sassed with a smug look.

I sat down on the chair Quinn pulled out for me and watched her serve the meal. For Quinn, this was a really nice thing to do. I mean, the chicken she did looked good and she had a side sallad plus potatoes as well. I was impressed, I didn't know she had it in her. I thought I would go to her place and we'd have chinese take out or something. I was really impressed. I took the first bite as she watched me, eager to see what I thought of it. I chewed the chicken slowly just to have her wait a little longer, her eyes were watching my every more.

"It's amazing, did you really cook this?"

"Of course I did"

"It's great, really" I said.

We kind of ate the rest of our meals in silence, a smile was thrown every now and then but nothing else but that was said. It wasn't awkward, I wouldn't call what we had awkward that moment, it was just silent. We didn't talk. When I finished eating and she also did not long after me, we stood up and with the help of each other put all the dishes in the dishwasher, after that we took the left overs and put them in the fridge.

"Off to the next thing" Quinn said and grabbed my hand. We walked up the long stairs and walked through a hallway until we reached a room, a bit bigger than my own. It had a TV, a DVD player, a comfortable looking red couch and poster filled walls. It was everything from band to movie posters on the walls.

"Is this your room?"

"It was when I was younger" she said and fixed some things with the DVD.

"Oh," I sat down on the couch "so no one sleeps here?"

"Well do you see a bed?" she said and sat down next to me.

"I just figu-"

"My room is opposite this one.. I want us to sit in here because I don't have a TV in my room" she cut me off and explained.

"I see," I smiled at her even though she was facing the TV "what are we watching?"

"I hope you like creepy movies"

"Creepy as in scary?"

"Kind of" she grinned.

"Oh no" I said.

"Are you afraid?" her eyes got smaller, she looked intense as she asked the question, as if she wanted me to say yes.

"A little.." I shyly said, she smiled.

She played the movie and dropped the remote control beside her. She grabbed my arm and lightly pulled me closer to her, I went with it. I glanced at her just to see her stare at me. I got nervous watching her eyes being stuck on me like that. It felt like something was wrong with me, like I had something on my face. I didn't question her and just moved my eyes back to the screen. The first scene had started and already the movie creeped me out. It was so dark, the soundtrack and the whole place that they were in. Twenty minutes into the two hour long movie I had already witnessed the death of a eight year old boy - caused by his own, crazy mother _and _a teenage girl painting her walls with the blood of her dead eight year old brother. I tried to keep calm as the movie kept going but Quinn noticed I wasn't comfortable with it, it was obvious that she was amused by it.

"Seriously, what the hell is this movie?" I quietly said.

"It has a really good background, give it a chance.. You haven't even seen half of it" she said.

Another twenty minutes passed and a pop up scene that made me scream showed up that instantly made me feel like a little helpless girl. Quinn laughed at me and just held me even closer, which actually helped. I changed the position and sat down so I could lean my head on Quinn's shoulder. I was wearing really annoying jeans that stopped me from sitting with my legs crossed, the way I used to sit. Quinn put her arm around me and for some minutes, I forgot the movie was even on. I mean, I was watching it, I saw the bloody scenes that passed before my eyes but I didn't think of them. My whole body turned warmer as Quinn started to softly stroke my arm with her fingertips. I started to shiver with anticipation. She gave me a little tickle by my ribs that made me squirm, but it made me get closer to her. The only source of light we had was the weak one that came from the dark film on the television. I locked my eyes for a while just to embrace the moment. I felt her move, she twisted her way out holding me, and my lean on her head stopped as well. I opened my eyes and she was staring right at me. Her face was blank, it was just a simple stare. I looked over at the screen and the movie was of course still on, I just looked at it to see why she would stop watching something she obviously liked a lot.

"Why'd you stop watching?" I asked, struggling not to stutter out of nervosity.

"I'm watching something better as we speak" she placed her hand on my cheek and gently rubbed it with her thumb.

"You, um.." I stopped talking.

The screams from the movie in the background didn't mean anything to me because after some seconds, everything became silent. The world around us got mute. All I saw was Quinn. All I heard was Quinn. I felt like I was in a movie, experiencing something that didn't happen to people like me, sitting in front of someone who once was my worst enemy, slowly falling deeper and deeper into her grip of me. She started to lean closer and her eyes were like stars inside the dark room, shining brighter than the moon ever would into my own. She gave me light kisses on my jawline, soft kisses that made me feel very delicate. Like she was afraid that she'd hurt me if she kissed me too hard or too much. I pushed her head up by her chin and our lips melted together. As it got more passionate by the minutes. Quinn slowly, with her hands cupping my face, leaned further into the couch until I was laying down right on top of her. The little space between the core of our bodies allowed her hands to unbutton my pants and yank them off.

"You know," she whispered as she pulled her head back from the kiss "I've been thinking _a lot _about this" she smiled.

Her hand ran through my back, the cold fingers were making my whole body twitch. I pulled back and closed my eyes for some seconds, breathing in the moment. Her hand started to slowly run through my stomach and down to my thighs. There she stopped.

"What's wrong?" I asked, not quite understandinng that she had felt my scar.

"Is that.." she wriggled off me and sat up.

"Sorry" I said and reached for my jeans that were thrown on the floor. I sat down in a way that would make it easier for me to pull them on.

"No," she stopped me "wait" she stood up and turned the light on and came right back to sit next to me.

"What are you doing?" I asked, now that the lights were on, I felt embarrassed about sitting there in only my panties on. I felt a bit exposed. I used the pants, that weren't on me, as a blanket to cover my legs.

"Let me see" she said and slowly tried to pull the pants away from my hold.

"I'm not..," I swallowed a big lump in my throat, I felt like crying "I'm not comfortable"

"Please?" she looked at me, her face waited for an answer. It was obviously expecting a 'yes'. I just nodded.

She took the pants in her hands and threw them on the floor. My bare legs were cold and they felt pale, even though they weren't pale at all compared to Quinn's skin. Her eyes were looking at it, making me feel like a piece of art in front of her. She looked fascinated. She raised her hand and had it steady over my scar, some inches over it. She looked at me.

"You can touch it" I confirmed.

Her hand immediately dropped and slowly brushed against the scar. I looked at the glaring face. The soft eyes were still glued on it, she pointed her index and middle finger out to have only them feeling the dried, nearly extinct mark of self destruction.

"You did this to yourself?" she wondered. I nodded. "It's beautiful" she added to her sentence.


	21. Trapped

It felt like I was in a cage since the date with Quinn on Friday. Not in a bad way though, but for four days, it was all I could think about. It was like sitting in a cage only Quinn had access to. I was wrapped around her finger, and for some reason, I liked it. I was happy, I was glad to be a part of her day. I was also happy she saw me for _me _and didn't judge me. No, she called me beautiful. She trapped me under her spell and for every single day that passed I got more and more scared that I was going _there. _It was scary because it was something I wasn't used to feeling a lot or even receiving. I was usually someone who intimated people - teased and scared people off. No one really wanted to date me for who I am. Back home, they wanted me because I was _Santana,_ the popular cheerleader. Not in the new school, I changed it, I pretended in the beginning that I wasn't into cheerleading - that I wasn't once a bully. I was, and now they know, but they are still my friends.

The school day had just ended when Quinn came over to my car before I drove away, she knocked on the window. I looked at her and winded it down. Her eyes seemed a little red, like she didn't sleep enough during the night. She looked breathless, it made me think she ran towards the car before it was too late.

"What happened?" I worried.

"God, are you avoiding me?" she asked.

"No, why would I?"

"You haven't answered my texts today or even looked after me" she said, her voice was low and hard.

"You couldn't come look for me?" I implied.

"Why didn't you answer any of my texts then?" she asked, leaning her arms on the sash.

"I forgot my phone at home"

"Oh.. I thought you ignored me" she yawned.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

"I'm just fine," she removed her arms from the car sash and stood up straight "don't you worry about me" and she just walked away.

I looked at Quinn take some fast steps and her whole walk screamed 'pissed'. I stepped out of the car and followed her. I grabbed her arm and she turned around. Her face was pale, paler than usual. The hazel eyes looked lighter than always, in some way they looked shinier. The blood cracked eyes were simply just unhappy.

"Quinn, talk to me"

"I'm not happy about you being so close with Brittany"

And then it hit me. Quinn had seen me with Brittany earlier during the day. Me and her were sitting outside in the sun when Brittany took my hand and told me she wanted to compare our skin tones. From that, it went to her comparing the differences of our hands. The size, the fingers.. Everything. It made us laugh a lot. It may have looked like something flirty was going on from Quinn's point of view, even though it wasn't. I understood her jealousy. Still, she had nothing to do with mine and Brittany's friendship.

"What makes you say that?" I asked even though I was almost sure why.

"You know I'm not blind," she turned around, letting me face her back "I can see that you like her"

"Just because we played with each others hands?" I asked.

"Why would you even?" she turned around.

"Why does it bother you?"

"Because I don't like the thought of someone else touching you" she looked right into my eyes, trapping me yet again.

"Really?," I looked right back into the angry eyes "last time I checked we weren't even a couple. Why do you care who I touch and not touch. You have no right"

"I said we weren't a couple _yet_" Quinn looked around and noticed many people from school starting to show up so she lowered her voice. "And you know I care, you know I like you" the cold voice melted.

"I know.." I looked down at the ground, nearly blushing.

"Then why do you keep fighting it?" she asked.

"I'm sorry"

"I mean, do whatever you want.. But if that's the case then I will too" she sounded like she was threatening me, she had that soft yet sharp tone that made me feel like I had no choice.

"No, I get it"

"Fine.." she said. Her hand was hanging, the fingers were spreading, screaming for me to grab and hold them. But I couldn't.

"Are we okay?"

"We are" she affirmed.

"I'm going home now, yeah?"

"Let's go to riverside.. For a while only" Quinn suggested.

Riverside park, our spot.

"I don't know," I sighed "I'm really tired"

"Don't be boring, come on" she grinned.

"I'll drive" I smiled back. Like always, she managed to convince me.

"I have my car here"

"So?," I raised one eyebrow "I can drive you here after or you leave it here and I drive you to school tomorrow. It is your own car right? I'll have my moms all week"

Quinn looked at me for a while before answering my question. She turned around after hearing a loud laugh from some guy on the phone and then looked back at me, a simple smile answered my question.

When we got there we sat down immediately. Of course, the usual bench, the usual view, the usual girl next to me. The perfect moment.

"Can I ask you something?" I broke the not so long silence between us. Quinn nodded. "What made you like me in the first place?" I asked.

Quinn chuckled, her face turned soft. The hard - tough expression wasn't visible. It was just Quinn. No filter, nothing.

"You want pure honesty?" she asked.

"Of course"

"Okay. Truth is, I first started liking you because I was in some way intimidated by you," she looked up at my face "but then, when I noticed that you're not that scary after all.. I started seeing _you."_

"You started liking me because you were scared of me? How does that even make sense?" I laughed.

"I was impressed, you managed to make me feel like I wasn't scary enough" the corners of her mouth turned up and the perfect front teeth showed.

"And then.. what did you see in _me_?" I asked.

"I saw you. Just you. I don't know how to explain, I saw you and then I kind of saw myself. I felt like you and me, we were so much alike. I teased you more than I ever teased anyone else because I wanted you to be scared of me and maybe somehow the same way I did - start liking me"

I watched Quinn stare ahead of her at the many trees, the different colors, shapes. The whole picture I had right beside me - Quinn along with the beautiful trees - it was like watching a movie on a big screen. A flawless picture made by flaws - formed into pure perfection. Her words made me feel stronger, they infatuated me in some way. It was like I could only see the good things in the world - things that were good for _me_, to be more correct.

"Oh.." my eyes were still observing her every move.

"Do I dare to ask you the same question?" she half smiled.

"It just happened"

"Just happened? I get no background story at all?" she joked.

"It just happened," I looked away "it came really slowly, kind of creeping in on me more and more every day. And it brought me here" I reached for Quinn's hand. "Are you happy?"

"I feel blessed" Quinn said, in a tone that showed she knew her choice of words were quirky. I laughed and had my heart racing at the feeling of having her squeezing my hand. "Yes, Santana, I'm happy"

"Me too"

"You're still coming to the party on Friday right?" she asked.

"Yeah"

Her hand was warm, it made up for my forever cold hands. The soft, tender feeling of holding her hand sent little butterflies through my whole body. I leaned my head on her shoulder to breathe in her smell. Happily, it wasn't cigarettes. It was like the smell of something out of this world - in a good way of course. It was like the smell of roses, vanilla and that mixed with her own scent. And it was relaxing, peaceful. The fully grown leaf covered trees before our eyes were yet again creating a outstanding picture for us to stare at. It was almost as good at looking at Quinn. I felt her hand palms getting a little sweaty from the warmth from my body being sent to my hands and then surrounding her own. The grip got harder for us to keep and both me and her felt the slippery, yet comfortable hold. She let go of my hand and dried the tiny bit of sweat that was produced on the cheerleading skirt. I raised my head from her shoulder and felt her cupping my face, leaning in to take me away to somewhere only _we _knew.

"Quinn..?" I said as I pulled away.

"What?"

"What does Brittany have on you?," her face turned from dreamy to wondering in a heartbeat "she doesn't want to tell me"

"Is this about that time she went to your place?"

"Yeah.. I don't know, it feels like it wasn't about the smoking thing. You said yourself she doesn't even know about it"

"And?"

"And what? Can't you tell me..?"

"There's nothing to say, really Santana" she brushed some hair of my face with the warm, comforting hand.

"What would she warn me about then?" I asked.

"I think she has a little crush on you, she probably just wants you to stay away from me so she can have you all by herself," she laughed "that's not gonna happen, am I right?"

"Of course not, I'm just wondering what she would possibly be talking about"

"Like I said, Brittany is probably jealous.." she put a strand of hair behind my ear. I had let my hair out of the ponytail when we were in the car. "Do you believe me?" her look was intense.

"I guess"

"You guess?" she asked, her eyes getting smaller.

"Do I have another option?"

"I'm telling you the truth" she claimed.

"Then I guess I believe you" I stood up.

"But why _guess_?" she was still sitting down.

"Okay," I was right in front of her, looking down at the curious face "I believe you" I said. She smiled out of amusement.

I turned around and started walking towards the car. My slow steps were increasing the pace as I heard her catching up with me. I didn't know what I wanted to get away from, or why I was even annoyed in the first place. It was just the fact that something about Brittany's little meeting to come warn me about Quinn crossed my mind during the moment and it was hard to let go. Before I was even halfway out of the park, she grabbed my waist, pulling me back. Her arms tightened around my belly. I felt her lips, her face, being pressed on my neck - it was like she was afraid that I would leave her alone. She hugged me tighter as I tried to slink out of her amazingly lubricious, charming hug.

"Stop.." I panted.

"Don't go" she whispered right into my ear.

"Santana, stay with me" she nearly begged, her voice was kind yet demanding.

"I'm not leaving" I looked down at the hands around my waist slowly letting go of my body.

"I didn't mean to upset you," she said "I'm sorry"

"You didn't do anything" I turned around.

She grabbed my hand and walked me to one of the trees that was surrounded by a floc of purple/pink little flowers by the edge of the asphalt and the grass. She sat down, leaning her back on it. She looked up at me, expecting me to do the same as her. After taking in the smouldering look, I did. I sat down beside her and leaned my head back, I sat in the exact same position as Quinn. I closed my eyes, every single thing that surrounded me became black - covered up by something as simple as my eyelids. The noises of the nature, the quick steps of people jogging in the afternoon or the light breathing from right beside me - they became a part of the darkness. My mind sailed away as my eyes remained shut. Everything from school to my mood went through my brain. A light lump of happiness landed in my chest as I thought about the fact that summer break was very close. After summer break, we would be going to college. That's the hard part I heard from people - leaving your friends and family. And you're only lucky if you get into a college close to where you live. The coming week we would get our final grades and begin applying to colleges. I would apply to many colleges in New York with the major psychology. That was what I wanted to study, to become a psychologist. And of course, I would apply to universities in other states as well. I was just starting to think about what me and Quinn would do after high school if we were a couple then when she gave me a slight poke on my nose. I opened my eyes and the blonde angelic girl in front of my eyes was holding up a flower. When she noticed she had caught my attention, she leaned back on the trunk. She was holding a flower by the stem of it, all petals of the baby pink flower were picked off and thrown on the grass between the little space by her parted legs.

"...she loves me" and the last petal was thrown along with the others.

My heart felt like it stopped for a second, it skipped a big beat as the words that left Quinn's mouth hit me. I took a deep breath and as I did a unsteady quiet laugh came out. It was like I was winded after a long run. To be telling the truth, I knew I loved Quinn. But, was I _in _love with her? I didn't know what it felt like to be in love - the real deal. I really didn't know. Was it like what I felt with her? Being nervous around the person, constantly having them on your mind and having your breath taken away just by hearing their voice?

"Do you?" her face came closer.

"I'm.. I, I-" I couldn't believe I was stuttering. It wasn't me, I don't stutter. It was embarrassing, stupid.

"Calm down" she stroked my arm. She started smiling at me - again, taking my breath away. "I was joking, thought it would be romantic" she laughed.

"Oh," I sighed in relief "I know" I lied.

"You're adorable, did you know that?" she said and laid down, using my thighs as a pillow instead of the warm grass. I smiled down at her, she was looking up at me, scanning my face.

"Maybe you think so" I lightly grabbed the tassel that was holding her hair up in a ponytail and carefully pulled it off, the blonde hair spread across my legs. She rested her head harder in, letting down all the weight of it instead of hesitating like she did with her hair up.

"You're adorable, really" she said again.

I started to feel myself blushing. It was hard to keep it. She made my heart flutter.

"Am I making you shy?" she said as the smile on her face grew bigger.

"Somehow, yes" I said, she just let out a soft laugh.

I brushed my hand through the silky hair repeatedly. I gently stroked it, as if my hand was a brush and my mission was to get all the nonexistent tangles out. I started to twirl it around my fingers into a little screws. I let it go just to yet again brush my hand through it, the soft hair was like like water. No tangles, nothing was in the way for my hands reaching the thin, smooth hair ends. The smell of her hair reached my nostrils and it was just like sitting in a pile of flowers.

"You're unique.. You make me happy" she asserted.

"Really?"

"Really. I'm never happy. Yet, here you are.. My own personal source to happiness" she shut her eyes.

I took my hand out of her hair and started lightly brushing her eyebrows with my fingertips, carefully, I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I skimmed them between her eyebrows, down to her nose and landing on the soft lips. Her eyes were closed. I briefly scanned my fingertips around her mouth. It felt like stroking the cheek of a baby, her lips were like small, thin, yet rich lines of tenderness. She separated her lips from each other, to breathe in deeply from both her nose and using the mouth. The hazel eyes were still covered by the light eyelids. I stopped to just look at her, no touching - nothing. Her alluring face sent strong feelings right into my chest, having them live there for as long as I viewed her. It was like the first time we kissed, peaceful and simple. Nonviolent, just us. At the spot where we first met - alone. Where she admitted she liked me - where I ignored her feelings. Also exactly where I took them in and accepted them. The spot where I started to live by her feelings. For a second I thought she had fallen asleep. She was quiet, no smile, she looked like she was dreaming. It wouldn't surprise me if she was sleeping, I remembered how she yawned earlier and the blood cracked eyes. I let her lay still, I was afraid to move - I was scared that I would wake her up if she now had fallen asleep. And then again, I was trapped inside the Quinn belonging cage. Still, scared and tingly - all along with the feeling of happiness.

"Are you sleeping?" I whispered awfully quiet. As if we were at an empty park where only me and her talked, breathed and made noises.

She opened her eyes. The brown/green dots were shimmering like opalescent orchids, framed by the long lashes, flickering enough to brighten the world. The flaxen hair flowed in straight to adorn her immaculate splendid skin. Her straight nose made up with the other divine features. A smile as uplifting as the fresh air showed, making me sigh with complacency.

"No" she whispered back.


	22. Impeccable

Nothing said Santana like being late to school lately. I walked into biology class ten minutes later than the others and sat down on my usual seat. I looked back to see if Quinn was in there too and she was. She was in the classroom, next to Brittany, without her cheerleading outfit on. I knew that we only had one last week of practice but she could at least hold out for a simple week. I gave her and Brittany a quick smile before looking back at the teacher. I took notes, I didn't want to miss anything. I had passed all my biology tests and everything but I was still worried because the teacher didn't seem to like me sometimes, I couldn't really tell why. I was always focused on all lessons though - I had to get into college or I would disappoint myself _and _my parents. We had one last big exam the week before summer break, that was all I knew. I wasn't very worried about applying to college - I was more nervous than worried. However, the lesson ended eventually and I walked out. I felt someones hands cover my eyes and it was either Brittany or Quinn - they were the only ones left walking behind me out of the classroom.

"Guess who?" she said when I grabbed her hands and tried to pull them off my eyes. I failed.

"Stop, Brittany" Quinn said. Her hands grabbed mine and I lowered them then she forcefully pulled Brittany's hands off my face.

"Be careful, we don't want to hurt her face'' Brittany smiled and put her hands on my shoulders, still standing behind me.

"I kind of knew it was you" I smiled. Her arms were hanging over my chest.

"Yeah after Quinn spoiled it!" she laughed and removed her arms from me so she could stand beside me.

"Why aren't you wearing your cheerleading outfit, Quinn?" I asked her, naturally. I was standing in the middle of Quinn and Brittany.

"I didn't feel like wearing itf"

"Oh"

"Quinn hasn't decided what she wants to do yet" Brittany changed the subject. "Do you have any plans?" she asked me.

"I want to be a psychologist" I told her.

"That's really cool" she smiled.

"I'm going to do whatever Santana does" Quinn jokingly bumped her elbow against mine.

"I'm thinking about teaching" Brittany ignored Quinn. "I want to teach, you know, like a teacher" she said.

"Yeah, that's really cool too. High school kids or?" I kept the conversation going so I could brush the smile off my lips - caused by Quinn's sentence.

"Middle school" Brittany explained. "I can't wait until we get to apply, just to get it over with.. I'm so anxious"

"Honestly me too, I've been thinking about it almost everyday" I said.

"Are you travelling anywhere this summer then?" Brittany asked as we kept walking to the locker room. Quinn was still with us even though she dropped off.

"Not that I know," I answered "I don't even know exactly when the summer break starts" I laughed at my ignorance.

"We graduate on June 5th" Quinn said.

"Exactly," Brittany was still smiling "that's in like a little bit less than two weeks.. Are you guys as excited as I am?"

"I'm kind of excited, yeah" I said. Quinn didn't even respond.

We reached the locker room door and Brittany quickly walked in, probably thinking I was right behind her. I wasn't - I stopped before stepping in.

"I'll wait for you" Quinn smiled, my heart tingled.

I walked in and sat down beside Brittany. She was changing shoes for some reason - she was changing into the same type of shoes, just another pair of them. I didn't bother asking why, I didn't really care to know. She fixed her ponytail, I did the same. We stood up and walked into the gymhall.  
For the first time I got a 'good job' from the coach. It made me happy somehow, because I knew I was really good. I wasn't captain once for being shitty at what I was doing. I think coach knew I was good, she just liked giving people a hard time. When we left to go back to the locker room, I did the usual 'shower' routine. I still wasn't happy enough with my team to let them see what I did to myself. It was a sensetive subject and I was afraid of knowing how I would react if someone pointed the scars out. Me and Brittany walked out together, we stood so close our hands brushed against each other every now and then. It wasn't my fault though - she was the one who liked walking tight beside me. It didn't bother me, I wasn't _that _picky. Everyone has their own way of walking.

"I wonder where Quinn is" I said when we reached the big hallway.

"Aren't you going to see Mercedes?" she sounded surprised, I didn't want her to think I replaced Mercedes or anything so I went with it. Brittany wasn't quite used to mine and Quinn's friendship yet.

"Quinn said she would wait here for.. um, us" I said, trying to sound as confident as possible. "But you go look for her, I'm calling Mercedes"

I felt a little bad for leaving Brittany like that but hanging out with her and Quinn together was really stressful for some reason when she didn't know about what we were doing behind her back. The same with everyone else, I didn't want to be around Quinn if there were people we had to hide from with us. It was just not comfortable, it felt like I was lying all the time and it made me feel uptight. It was so intense I could barely stand it.  
I called Mercedes and she told me her and Tina were sitting outside, like usual. Thanks to me - we always sat outside. Even when I wasn't with them, they went outside. I was glad about the answer she gave me and went there.

"Hey guys" I said, Mercedes looked up. Tina didn't. "You too, Tina" I added. She looked up.

"Oh, are we talking?" she sassed.

"Now we are" I laughed at her attempt of trying to intimidate me.

"Fine," she sighed "I didn't like avoiding you" she smiled.

"We don't have to discuss it - it was stupid of us both. Deal?" I reached my hand for her to shake and she did with a big grin.

"So, what's up?" Mercedes said as I sat down on the table right next to her, my legs leaning on the bench beloning to the table.

"Not much"

"You're coming to my place tomorrow right?," Mercedes said "we're all going to hang out there, watch a movie or something"

"Tomorrow? Tomorrow as in Friday?" I said.

"Yes tomorrow as in Friday" she laughed and crunched her face.

"I didn't know about that"

"I told you about it yesterday" she shouted with laughter in her voice.

"You didn't!"

"Santana, I swear. I told you. We were sitting on that bench right over there," she pointed forward "and you were texting and I said we would hang out at my place on Friday and you nodded when I asked you if you could be there"

I probably didn't pay attention to what she said because I was texting Quinn. I didn't know what to tell Mercedes I couldn't be there. I promised Quinn I would go to that party with her two weeks earlier.

"I'm so sorry, Mercedes.. I don't think I was listening" I said.

"It's okay.. Now you know" she smiled.

"I won't be able to make it" I told her.

"What?," she sounded upset already "Santana, come on! It won't be fun without you" she said "Brittany is coming too" she said as if that would change my mind.

"I have plans.. And really, I made these plans like two weeks ago"

"Oh.." she changed from angry to just plain disappointed "what are you doing then?" she asked. Both her and Tina were looking at me with curious faces.

"Um," I cleared my throat "I'm going to a party" I said, I didn't want to put in details.

"Who's party?" Mercedes sounded shocked, probably because I was invited to a party and she wasn't.

"It's, um.. I don't know the guy, some college guy" I said.

"You're going to a party held by a guy you don't know?" she sarcastically laughed.

"I'm going with Quinn" I finally admitted.

Both Tina and Mercedes looked at each other before looking at me with their entire being judging me. It was both embarrassing and annoying for me to see.

"Okay" Mercedes simply said.

I turned around and ignored the obviously pissed off friend. I didn't have time for another fight - first it was Rachel, then Tina and I really didn't want to fight with Mercedes. She was the last friend I ever would want to lose even if it would be for just a day or two.

"Mercedes, I'm really sorry" I said.

"It's okay, Santana. You say you made plans with her before you did with us so I can't be mad at you" she said and even though she claimed she wasn't upset, it was obvious that she was.

"Thank you.."

After a long, awkward and uncomfortable silence, Brittany walked over to us. Without Quinn, which told that Quinn was smoking. I quickly thought about going to see her - I missed her already. But I didn't, Mercedes was already a bit angry (even though she didn't say it) that I wasn't going to her place, that I was going to a party with Quinn instead. I kind of started feeling like a shitty friend and it got worse when she said that Brittany was going too. That meant Brittany ditched the party to be with Mercedes and the girls. I still couldn't cancel my plans with Quinn, I mean.. It was _Quinn._

"Why is everyone so quiet?" Brittany said and sat down right beside me.

"There's kind of nothing to talk about" Tina said.

"There's a lot to talk about, like global warming" Brittany joked. "How are you Santana?" she looked at me.

"I'm fine," I avoided eye contact "you?"

"I'm good. Will I see you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah I'll be in school" I said, wishing she wouldn't ask about after school.

"I mean at Mercedes place" she said anyway.

"Oh," I looked at Mercedes who just luckily, smiled at me "no.. I can't come"

"Why not?" she pouted with her lips.

"I'm going with Quinn to this party. I don't know"

"Oh" she looked away from me directly. "Santana, you remember what I told you.." she whispered into my ear so that Mercedes and Tina wouldn't hear her.

"I know, I know. I'll be careful. Stop doing that.." I said, I was annoyed about it because deep inside I knew there was something else that Brittany thought I knew about but I didn't.

"Doing what?" she said. Mercedes and Tina's attention was caught.

"You're trying to make me avoid Quinn, right? I'm not going to" I was getting heated, like really angry at her for reminding me.

"Santana," her eyebrows furrowed, the small innocent face looked confused "I just don't want you to do the things she does.. You know it's dangerous" she lowered her voice again.

"Brittany, stop worrying about me. Just let it go. I'm not a kid, I know what I'm doing. Did she affect you?" I asked.

"No" she said.

"Well, what the hell makes you think you're better than me at saying no?"

"I'm not, I jus-"

"I know you just want me to be careful, I will. Drop it" I said.

I felt so bad for talking to Brittany that way, I really didn't want to act like that towards her when she was being nothing else but nice. It was just that the whole Quinn situation, everything involving her, it was so sensitive for me to talk about because I got protective of her. And I wanted to hear only good things about her. Like when Tina told me I should be ashamed to be friends with her - which I still think was really rude - I lashed out and walked away because I didn't want to hear her talk about Quinn. It was just something that got into me whenever I heard her name. Brittany didn't say anything. I looked at my left side and she was just staring at the ground. Mercedes and Tina spoke, they were avoiding our conversation which I was more than thankful for. I caught Brittany's attention after a while and the doleful face looked crushed.

"Brittany, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be like that.."

"It's okay, really" she said. A smile that didn't really convince me showed on her still cheerless face. "I'm not mad at you, I just hoped you'd listen to me because I know what I'm talking about," she said again "but you're my friend and I respect you. So I'm not going to stand in your way anymore" this time the smile looked real.

"I appreciate that"

Brittany's words this time assured me about the fact that it wasn't the smoking thing she was so worried about me getting into. Well, she weirdly didn't even know about Quinn smoking. Yet, there was something else she knew about and instead of questioning her about it and making Quinn think I didn't trust her, I decided to be patient and wait. I would find out what she was so worried about sooner or later.  
It was easy to see that Brittany slowly began to choose Mercedes, Tina and Rachel over Quinn. She hung out with us more on the breaks, Quinn always showed up and dragged Brittany away with her. It sometimes felt like Brittany didn't really want to hang out with Quinn, it felt like she was being forced to it or that she felt like she had to hang out with her. When I first got to the new school, Quinn was my biggest enemy and Brittany came right after. I thought they were the typical, ultimate high school bithces. Which they were - but they were so much more than just that. They became my friends. It's ironic really how your biggest enemy can become the person you're slowly falling in love with.  
I thought about when Brittany offered to drive me home in the middle of the rain during one of my first weeks in New York. How when we were in the car, she was thoughtful in a very cold, distracting way. That changed, the cold ice melted and she became warmer than ever towards me.

"Okay, ready to go get lunch?," Tina said "I'm literally starving"

"Sure, let's go" I said. Me and Mercedes stood up, Brittany didn't. "Are you coming?"

"I'm waiting for Quinn" she smiled "I'll see you guys later"

"Why don't you come with us and Quinn can catch up with you?" Tina said, she was just in a hurry.

"I guess I could.." she said, sounding insecure about her choice.

We walked to the lunch room. I wasn't really hungry yet so I didn't eat anything. Brittany and the others started digging in their lunch. I looked around, wondering what would take Quinn such a long time. She usually smokes really quickly and returns. It's not like her to leave Brittany for so long.

"I wonder where Quinn is" I said to Brittany. Mercedes looked right at me.

"I don't know.."

"Well, behind you guys" Mercedes said. Both me and Brittany looked back.

"Why is she sitting there alone?" I asked, pointing my sentence at Brittany.

"I have no idea, seriously" she stood up and walked over to Quinn.

"That girl is just after attention, she can't leave Brittany alone" Tina said "If I was Brittany, I would ditch Quinn, she doesn't deserve friends. She obviously doesn't appreciate them"

"We don't know her," Mercedes said "all we know about her is that she's a bitch to everyone. We know nothing about how she really is with her friends, Tina" she continued. She looked at me right after she finished talking.

"Just look at her," Tina said "she makes Brittany go after her like a little puppy all the time"

"Will you shut your damn mouth?" I said, I couldn't hold it in. Yet again, the subject 'Quinn' just made me feel edgy.

"Jeez.." Tina mumbled quietly.

After the long break everything went fast until it was time for the last math test we would have. Sitting in there felt like I was inside a prision cell. However, after a while I started focusing harder on the test. I spent all Wednsday night preparing myself for it. It became easier by the time and at last I was done with it. I left class and headed towards my locker, I grabbed my bag and locked it again. I started walking over to my car, when I got closer to the parking lot, I saw Quinn standing right by my car. Waiting. She was playing with her phone but as soon as I got closer and she noticed me coming, she put it down in her pocket.

"So.. Can I get a ride home?" she smiled.

"Of course" I said and unlocked the car.

We stepped into it and I started the engine. I didn't know how Quinn knew I took my mother's car and drove myself to school. I got out of the school area and had a good drive until I reached a red light that just didn't want to go away. The traffic was crazy. I peered over at Quinn and she was staring out the window. Memories started flashing before my eyes of that time a couple of months ago. Memories of me and Quinn standing under the pouring water - a weird feeling hit my stomach, it was fear. I remembered her violent eyes, the forceful kisses.. I thought about how I nearly begged her, how I nearly cried that she would stop. It came to my mind how I felt afterwards, how _she _made me feel. Despite what happened, in some way, some dark twisted way - I overlooked it. It never happened. Or, some days, like in the car, I would think 'I wanted it' and Quinn became perfect to me again. I took her hand and she smiled at me. I leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on the sleek lips. It wasn't anything passionate - just a kiss to show that I missed her.

"Quinn?"

"Yes"

"Why did you sit there all alone, you know, during lunch? Why didn't you come over like you always do?" I asked as I finally started driving again.

"I didn't want to bother you" she said. The keen, soothing voice made me mildly flutter.

"What? You wouldn't bother me, you could just do what you always do.. Get Brittany"

"She seemed to like being next to you. Santana, I swear, I think she has a major crush on you" Quinn smiled. "I mean, you're outstanding.. Who wouldn't? But.. I don't like it. I really don't"

"What makes you think that?," I wondered "you keep saying it.."

"Did you know that she talks about you _all _the time?" she sounded annoyed this time "in biology class, before you got there, she didn't shut up about you being late.. She was two seconds away from texting you when you got there. Thank God"

"She's just really friendly, that's it" I said. I refused to believe Quinn when it came to Brittany having any kind of romantic feelings for me.

"No, no. Absolutely not. Listen to me, Santana," she began to get bitter "she doesn't shut up about you. She constantly talks about you.. All the time. She told me yesterday for like the 50th time that she thought you had the prettiest eyes, she says they remind her of chocolate?," she let out a irritated snort "I told her to shut up about it or I would tell you everything she said, of course I was joking though but she stopped talking about you" she laughed.

"Does it annoy you when people talk about me?" I asked, totally ignoring all her 'proof' about Brittany having a crush on me.

"A bit"

"Why?"

"I don't like it, it's depressing"

"Depressing..?"

"I can't tell them about how _I _feel about you, it makes me depressed"

When she said that, it made it clear for me why I didn't like when Tina, Brittany or Mercedes spoke about her either. It was the same feeling, it made me depressed because I couldn't tell them how much I l liked her. How could I not see it? It made me chuckle.

"I feel the same way.. I wish we could just, you know.."

"It's not worth having people talking about it" she conveyed "we're going to off to college after the summer.. Can't you hold out just until summer? It's not much more than a week left.."

"I can, I was just saying"

"I understand"

"You really want to be a psychologist?," I laughed "or was it just a joke?"

"I don't know, maybe?" she said.

"Did you just say that because I did?" I asked.

"Yes, but also a part of me was being real. I hope we get into the same college. Don't you?"

"Of course I do. If we make it through the summer" I joked.

"I'll make sure we will" Quinn smiled.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Don't forget to tell me what you think, review! :)**


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